The Dark Angel
by Phantomdeath
Summary: Begins the summer after Sirius dies. Harry is abused by the Dursleys. Starts Cutting. Eventual Suicide attempt. Fortunately, Severus Snape is there to mentor and help Harry... Eventually. (I own nothing, the characters and the world that we all know and love is one belonging to JK Rowling.)
1. Chapter 1: Welcome to My Life

Chapter 1

_I hate being home_, Harry thought to himself. _No, this wasn't home, this was hell. _He'd been up since 5am getting breakfast cooked so Vernon could get out the door in a timely manner. God forbid he was late. _God? What God? Would a God make me live like this, day after day of these insolent chores, no slee_p—THWACK something hard collided with Harry's head pulling him from his thoughts. When he steadied himself and his sight returned seconds later he realized Vernon had hit him, again. Another bruise starting amidst the already purpleish-yellow hue of Harry's face.

"Boy, the next time I catch you lollygagging staring off into space instead of paying attention to the damn eggs there will be hell to pay!" Vernon grumbled from his chair. "Come on freak, I'm waiting."

Harry forced himself to think past the fogginess in his head from the most recent blow and bring Vernon his breakfast. He had a long list of chores today and was already on his uncle's bad side. Harry went outside to start mowing the law. _If I could just use my magic, I could just use a spell…., _he thought as he absent-mindedly pushed the mower along. The rest of the day went by smoothly, with Vernon at work, Dudley out with his friends, and Petunia out to lunch, Harry didn't have to worry about anything more than his chores. He finished the rest of his list and went up to his room, the clock read 3:02.

_Good, another hour to myself. _His mind drifted to Sirius. _It's all my fault he's dead. The last member of my family and I basically kill him. Ron and Hermione don't understand. They're not The-Boy-Who-Lived. Damn name, never helped me at all. _Harry opened his trunk and pulled out the picture of his parents. A tear rolled down a cheek. _I'm sorry I failed you two. I'm sorry Sirius is dead. _He looked into the cracked floor-length mirror. A boy with emerald eyes stared back. Harry removed his shirt and glamours and took a minute to study his body. A long cut ran from his left hip to his right shoulder, many more similar to that crisscrossed down his back disappearing beneath the waistband of his jeans. Bruises discoloured the rest of his skin. He could still see the black traces Vernon's fingers around the tops of his skeletal arms. That was from yesterday…

**Flashback**

Harry on the floor on all fours, scrubbing.

"BOY!" Vernon bellowed

Harry stiffened and stood just in time to see his uncle's fist come in contact with his nose. SNAP. _Yeah, broken, _Harry thought, but didn't have time to think on it long. Vernon grabbed Harry around the arms just below the shoulders and started shaking him.

"WHAT THE HELL, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!" Vernon yelled, his eyes bulging from his red piggish face.

"…S-s-sorry uncle?" Harry said, flinching immediately. That was obviously the wrong thing to say. He heard the undoing of Vernon's belt. "Please uncle, no. Please" Harry whispered. His pleas were ignored as Vernon brought the belt down on him. The smack it made against the thin shirt of his back was sickening. Harry felt the blood running down his back, staining the dirty white T-shirt he was wearing. By the fourth hit, Harry was digging his nails into his hands to keep from screaming. A small whimper escaped him and a gleeful smile appeared on Vernon's pudgy face.

"Freaks don't get to speak when being punished. Shut up Boy!" Vernon said, but the glint in his eye told Harry it was only going to get worse

**End Flashback**

His eyes moved from his back to his stomach. His skin stretched so tightly across his ribs, he could almost see the fracture from last night. He cringed as he looked at his face. A sick purple-black blossomed around his eye, highlighted by the yellow on his jaw. _I've already been home a week and I look like this. My old scars are barely even visible though what's happened this week. _

Harry glanced behind him into his trunk and saw his potions knife sticking out of it. He walked cautiously over to it, an idea forming. It was now 3:44. He had enough time. Harry took the knife from his trunk and turned it over and over in his hand. He felt the coldness of the steel, the black handle almost shimmered in the afternoon light. He pressed the flat side of the blade to his arm, the coolness relaxed him. He turned the blade over and pressed the sharp side to his wrist. His hand shook and he pulled the knife away.

_Maybe I shouldn't do this. It's a stupid thing to do. I'm just doing to myself what they do to me… NO, I'm in control like this. I have the power._

He took a breath and dragged the knife across his wrist. It was a shallow cut, barely any blood blubbled to the surface. He brought the blade down once more, harder this time, faster. He hissed at the pain, but there was something else. Freedom. _Yes, I deserve this pain. I deserve it and only I can give it. _He brought the knife down again, the metal kissing his hot skin, the blood coming rapidly forward to meet the afternoon air.

A door downstairs opened. _Damn! _Harry thought as he hastily shoved his knife back in his trunk and put his glamours back up. He knew a beating would come if one of the neighbors caught sight of the boy with all the bruises.

Severus sat in his chamber deep in the dungeons. They were chilly, but he had a toasty fire roaring in the marble fireplace, a glass of firewhiskey in his hand and a book in the other. His library was his favourite room, from the books covering every section of wall, the fire, everything right down to the leather couch on which he sat. He'd just gotten comfortable when Dumbledore flooed in. Snape growled. _Damn him for interrupting me. Summer just started and my first break is already ruined. _

"Hello Severus" the man merrily stated.

"Headmaster," Snape nodded in Dumbledore's general direction, "Is there something I can do for you? As you can clearly see I am quite comfortable…"

"Yes, right, Severus. I'll get straight to the point," He said with a twinkle in his eyes, "you missed the last Order meeting. I'm simply here to catch you up on a few things." Snape nodded again, quickly losing patience and just wishing the old man would hurry along. "Severus, the Order is worried that Voldemort might try to hurt Harry this summer—"

Snape cut him off "The wards will protect him. I'm sure Mr. Potter is fine, Headmaster."

"Severus, that is all well and good, but the Order still decided someone needs to keep watch on the house"

"Alright. And?" Snape demanded, dead already growing in him. _Not me, it better not be me. The Potter brat is fine. I don't need to see James Potter's son living the good life-_

"You are the one the Order has chosen to keep watch."

"WHAT?" Snape couldn't keep the anger from his tone "WHY SHOULD _I, _SEVERUS SNAPE, HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PRECIOUS GOLDEN BOY?"

"Please calm down Severus," said Dumbledore tiredly. "He's Lilly's son too"


	2. Chapter 2: Keeping Watch

…_."You are the one the Order has chosen to keep watch."_

"_WHAT?" Snape couldn't keep the anger from his tone "WHY SHOULD I, SEVERUS SNAPE, HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PRECIOUS GOLDEN BOY?"_

"_Please calm down Severus," said Dumbledore tiredly. "He's Lilly's son too"_

Chapter 2: Keeping Watch

Severus had thought about that sentence the rest of the night… _"He's Lilly's son too" Dumbledore had said... As much as I miss her, I really don't need to watch the brat all summer. What could happen? Possibly a little argument between him and his cousin, on no, Potter could get his little feelings hurt. _Snape smirked. _There's a thought: Severus Snape rescues Harry Potter from sadness over break. _He shook his head laughing, that one was too ridiculous. The clock struck three and Snape decided to get some sleep before he had to go babysit Potter.

Harry didn't sleep, the nightmares of Sirius dying combined with Vernon beating him. He got up and walked back to his trunk, sighing in relief when he saw his knife. He'd only gotten to enjoy the sweet combination of agony and pleasure it brought twice. He wanted it again. He made a long slice down his arm from his hand to his elbow. The blood poured from the wound, he watched, fascinated, as it dripped down his fingers, making a web of blood on his hands. It splattered on the floor, each drip was a reassuring _plink._ Harry smiled as he brought the blade down once more. Some of the bruises had faded and he could now see some of the scars on his back. He grimaced. _At least I can cut a straight line. _He smirked at that.

He put his knife away again sighing. _I have no one. Ron and Hermione don't notice the glamours, but maybe they're just not looking. Why should they? They know I hate it here but I never tell them exactly why. Maybe all this is my fault. If Dumbledore even suspected this is the treatment I get when I'm here – no. He HAS to know. Has he never sent anyone to make sure this was a good place for me to be? _Harry shook his head. _Dammit Harry, of course he would have checked up on you. You're the one who left your glamours up. Whatever, I'm fine._

He sat on his trunk and before he knew it he dozed off…

"FREAK! FREAK!" Vernon shouted and began banging on Harry's door.

_SHIT! _Harry thought as he pulled on dark jeans with a hole in the left knee, and a threadbare gray shirt. "I'm coming uncle!" Harry said just loud enough to be heard over the pounding. As he walked out the door Vernon slapped him, knocking him sideways. He staggered, and turned to face his uncle. Vernon handed him a list.

"Just get them done" He sneered as he stormed down the stairs and out the door.

Harry started work. Most of the chores were outside, not helping the minor sunburn he got from mowing the lawn the day before

Severus arrived on Privet Drive not long after 8am. A large round man was leaving the house, his face purple. _Maybe he'll explode, at least that would be entertaining_ Snape mused. He settled himself in a tree near enough to the house that he had cover but could still see the yard clearly. Severus watched as Harry ran out of the house and began weeding the garden at a brisk pace. _Why the hell would Potter race to do bloody yard work? He'd never hurry like that to potions. Then again, potions isn't exactly Mr. Potter's strong suite. Maybe the brat just has a soft spot for his garden. _He shrugged, and kept watching.

2pm. If not for Snape's cooling spell, he would have fainted from the heat. 110 degrees is no time to be outside. Yet Potter was still out there, weeding, watering the garden, and painting the fence. Severus found this odd but paid it little attention. He did, however, notice that Potter was moving slowly and his skin was burned from the hours in the sun. He also noticed that the only time he ever took a drink was from the hose, but not before making sure no one was watching.

The sun had just started setting and a car pulled up. Snape recognized this to be the car of the man who left earlier. _That must be the uncle, Vernon I believe Dumbledore said he's called. _Vernon walked around to the side of the house where Harry was painting the fence. Harry cringed. _Why the hell would he cringe—_Vernon started yelling something Snape couldn't decipher. Harry turned and ran into the house, Vernon stomping after.

Harry ran inside and up to his room. _Get ready to go out to dinner my ass. They're not going to take me anyway. _Harry was pissed. He grabbed for his knife and sliced the skin over his ribcage. These bled less, but ached when he moved. He liked it. They reminded him that he could still feel. He felt the beatings, but aside from that he was just an empty shell.

Harry heard Vernon tramping up the steps. He quickly stowed his knife and changed into the nicest clothes he had, a ripped green dress shirt and black pants. There was nothing actually wrong with the pants, Dudley just "outgrew" them.

Vernon threw open Harry's door and punched him in the ribs, right where Harry's fresh cuts were. There was a sickening snap as one of his ribs cracked. He held back a moan and his uncle hit again, lower, Harry's hip. He collapsed on the floor.

"Be downstairs in five minutes, boy. Not a word to anyone at the restaurant or you will regret being alive" Vernon muttered.

_As if I didn't regret it every day._ Harry thought as he pulled himself off the floor. He went downstairs, got in the car and went to dinner. He was rewarded with their dinner scraps which included: an edge of burnt steak, a piece of broccoli, and some corn. Harry ate it all, trying to savour it.

Back at home Harry went straight to bed, limping due to his hip. _I think it's just dislocated _Harry thought as he collapsed in his bed. Seconds later he passed out.

Snape watched the family pile into the car, Harry was limping. He found this peculiar and decided to investigate.

After they left, Snape climbed out of the tree and went to the back door. A quick Alohomora and he's in. The muggle home looks like that of any other. Snape wanders around, opening various cabinets and storage units, curious as to what he might find. He opens the cupboard under the stairs and finds an old blanket, some toy soldiers and boxes. He goes upstairs and opens the door to Harry's room. A smell of rotting flesh hits him and he gags. _What…? _Snape looks around. He sees the broken mirror and walks closer, he slips on something. What he sees at his feet disgusts him. Blood. Dried on the surface, but still wet beneath. He shudders. Severus knows he has to leave—he's run out of time. He makes his way down the stairs and out the back just as the car pulls up.

Harry staggers awkwardly and tiredly out of the car. Snape watches intently as Harry limps through the door and disappears from sight.

Snape shakes his head. _This is going to be harder than I thought. _

A moment later, his dark mark burns. _He's angry. And calling me. What now?! _Severus thinks as he goes to meet Voldemort.

He inclines his head "My Lord".

**A/N What do you think?**


	3. Chapter 3: Saving Harry

Chapter 3: Saving Harry

Harry woke to his hip and ribs throbbing, and a dead silent house. He rolled out of bed but collapsed on the floor promptly after putting weight on his injured leg. _I can't do anything like this, I can't even make it out of bed. And why is it so silent? _Harry went to investigate, he crawled across his floor dragging his legs. When he opened the door a piece of paper fell. It read "We went on vacation. Don't destroy the house, we'll be back in 3 weeks." A laugh ignited in Harry.

_Yes! I get three weeks to myself! Not like I'll do much, but maybe I can set my hip and it will actually heal! _Harry popped his hip back in the socket, screaming as it snapped in place. It felt immediately better, not much, but better. He spent the day watching TV, but around 9pm a movie came on. Everything reminded Harry of Sirius, but this struck a nerve. He retrieved his knife and brought it downstairs with him. He slit his good hip, but felt nothing. He did the same to his wrists, ankles and forearms. He couldn't feel the pain anymore.

Through the next three weeks his depression worsened. He stopped watching TV, stopped eating the one meal a day the Dursleys allotted him for the time they were gone. Eventually Harry stopped leaving his room.

It was the day before the Dursleys were to return and Harry was day-dreaming about Hogwarts. He missed his friends, he missed the distractions, and he almost missed potions. Harry looked at the photo of his parents beside his bed. He chocked and his body was wracked with sobs. _Why me? Why do I have to be the Chosen One. The Boy-Who-Lived. I just want the emptiness to end. I want to be free of this. _Harry looked at Hedwig's empty cage, she was out hunting. He really was alone He picked up his knife and cut his arm deeper than he ever had, right down the vein. Minutes later he was passed out in a puddle of blood, his breathing short, and his heart barely beating.

Severus woke in the hospital wing of Hogwarts. Nothing made sense… The last thing he remembers is_-oh, right- _the Dark Lord saying "Crucio". He sat up and looked around the familiar white room. Sighing, he got up and walked toward the door, only to be stopped by Madame Pomfrey.

"Where do you think you're going Severus!?" She demanded. Small as she was, she sure was forceful, Snape would give her that.

"Poppy" Severus said calmly "I have official Order business. I must go."

"No, you are to stay right here and wait for the last of the calming draught to wear off, you're not yourself!"

"I'm fine!" Snape snapped viciously.

"There, now you sound like the Severus I know. You may go, but please take this" she said, handing him a vial containing a blood-replenishing potion, and another vial of draught of peace.

"Thank you. Oh, before I go… How long was I out?" Severus asks hesitantly.

"About 2.5 weeks" she replies calmly.

"Thanks again, bye Poppy" He calls as he apparates.

He appears in the tree he was using to spy the first time. _Shit, shit, shit! I was gone so long. What could that Potter boy have done? _Snape scolds himself _Severus! It's Potter. You don't care. This is your job. He's fine._ The house looked in perfect order, but the car was missing. _The man is probably at work. _Snape thought in an effort to calm his nerves. _If anything happened to Potter on his watch, he'd be the one in trouble, _Severus reminded himself, _that's the only reason he really cared_.

The car didn't return for three days and Snape was getting worried. Something didn't seem right. He walked to the back door and entered. There were no sounds in the house. Snape walked into the family room and noticed blood on the couch. _Odd_, he thought. He continued through the lower floor and found everything to be fine – except the couch. As Severus started up the stairs something caught his eye. There was something red and shimmery making its way out from under Potter's door. _No,_ the thought rang through Snape's mind like a warning bell, he took the stairs two at a time and broke down the door.

At his feet, in the puddle of red lay an unconscious Potter. There was a knife in his right hand and blood leaking from his left arm. His heart was barely beating and his breathing, nearly undetectable. Snape immediately went into medi-wizard mode. He wrapped a torn shirt around Harry's arm and muttered a spell, the wound started healing itself. _Good, _Snape thought, _he didn't damage anything. Not that I care about James Potter's son. _He laid Harry on the bed and poured a Blood-Replenishing potion down Potter's throat. _Thank Merlin I Keep those with me. _He turned his attention to the bloody potions knife discarded on the floor. _Potions knife. That was my first-_ A key turned in a lock downstairs. _Shit, the muggles are home. _Snape picked up the knife, wrapped it in a threadbare bloodstained shirt and hid in Harry's closet.

"BOY" An angry voice came from downstairs. Potter shifted, but didn't respond. "BOY WE'RE HOME AND THERE IS NOT DINNER ON THE TABLE! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE FREAK!

_That must be Vernon. I guess Golden-Boy doesn't get the royal treatment. But that was a bit harsh, though it is nice to see Potter knocked off his pedestal. _Snape smirked.

The door of Harry's room flew open and Vernon clomped in. The smile vanished from Severus's face when he saw Vernon start whipping Harry with his belt. "Damn you boy, wake up! We leave you for three weeks and this is what happens? You lazy" slap "No good" slap "son of a bitch—"

Severus slammed open the closet door, wand at the ready. "ENOUGH!" He yelled at Vernon. "Is this how you treat a child?"

Vernon stumbled backwards staring at the black-cloaked figure that just emerged from Harry's closet.

"Who the hell are you? Some kind of giant bat?" Vernon taunted.

Snape glowered. "I asked you what you were doing to Potter."

"Just teaching him a lesson. You should know, you must teach him at that bloody school. You freaks. All of you!" Vernon said as he retreated to the door.

Snape let him run downstairs. Vernon started bellowing about the man upstairs and the family erupted into hysterics. He heard Petunia scream and a thunk that could only be their rotund son fainting. Severus turned his attention back to Harry, who now lay on his bed with new bruises and cuts covering the old ones. He picked him up and walked downstairs and out the front door without another word to the screeching family. Once outside, he apparated them to the grounds just outside of the Hogwarts boundaries. Cursing himself for being so stupid and letting his manor burn to the ground, he trudged on with Harry in his arms. They were inside the doors and down in the dungeons faster than Snape ever thought possible. _No time to dwell on that now, _he thought.

"Serpent's Scale" he muttered and the portrait opened, allowing him (and Potter) access to his chambers. Severus stepped into his beautiful library and laid Potter down on the sofa. HE then summoned all of Harry's things to him and sit down in a chair.

"Oh Potter, what am I to do with you. Making trouble for me over the summer" He said, half-heartedly. After watching Potter getting beat like a rag-doll, he didn't have it in him to taunt the boy. Severus covered him with a thick warm blanket and set off to make himself some tea. He returned holding a black mug with a silver rim and grabbed a book.

He couldn't concentrate on reading, he kept staring at the little raven-haired boy laying on his couch. _Why would they do this to him? Sure, he can be arrogant, and a little full of himself, but that's not worth… this. _

Snape looked up to see two emerald eyes staring intently at him.


	4. Chapter 4: Hiding

_Snape looked up to see two emerald eyes staring intently at him. _

Chapter 4: Hiding

Harry woke, staring straight into Snape's onyx eyes. Confused and terrified he just watched as the potions master came closer, holding something.

"What's that?" Harry asked Snape, bitterness in his tone. He didn't know where he was and he certainly didn't know why Snape of all people was coming closer to him.

_This brat is grating my nerves. Severus! _He chastised himself, _you just watched this child get beaten at the hands of his uncle! Even if Potter had been awake, he didn't try to stop it. Obviously it was a learned and expected behavior. Just like when you were a boy and—_

"I'm waiting" Harry snapped, clearly irritated that his professor hadn't answered quickly enough. _I'm not afraid of him anymore. Honestly, he can't do anything worse than Vernon. Nothing could be worse than Petunia watching it happen and just letting it! _Harry sighed in defeat. Snape wasn't going to answer him. He just kept staring back at Harry as though he'd seen a ghost or something.

Severus shook his head, attempting to clear it. "It's a bruise salve. It should help your face—"

"Why are you being nice to me? Why do you care if I look like this?" Harry asked, crossing his arms. A mix of confusion and anger boiling in his chest. _No one cares about Harry, they just care about The-Boy-Who lived. And why does Snape of all people even give a damn? _

"You can either let me start tending to your wounds or I can go get the Headmaster and let him have a look at you" Snape said with only a touch of menace. Harry stiffened at the thought of Dumbledore seeing him like this. Snape took note and assumed the answer was clear.

_Why is he being so nice to me, _Harry wondered. _Wait. "_How did I get here?"

"I brought you"

"How did you find me?"

"It was my job to protect you, the Order sent me. Enough questions. Start rubbing this on your bruises or I will, and I think we both know what you'd prefer." Snape said, somewhat gently. He left the room so Harry could tend to all his bruises.

Severus closed the door and sat on his bed thinking back to when he brought Harry back. He'd run tests on Harry back at the house when he was transporting him. The list was too long, old bones broken numerous times, all the scars, malnutrition… The list never ended. _It makes no sense, how does Potter always clean up before school? He never looks like this. Maybe a little thinner, but someone would have noticed the bruises, cuts, and scars. Unless… A glamour. Dammit Potter! How didn't I notice that glamour? _

A crash in the other room brought Severus from his thoughts. He raced back in to find Harry collapsed next to the couch. Snape ran over to Harry, put his arms around him, and as gently as he could, set him back on the sofa.

"Mr. Potter, I can't have you continuously falling all over the place, it's tiring to carry you"

Harry snorted "I'm fine, I just lost my balance and blacked out"

"I'm running more tests on you. Hold still." Severus said as he raised his wand. The report was more formal than the hurried one he did before. This showed numerous fractured vertebra in Potter's back, and that his hip was going to need Skel-grow to mend properly. Miraculously he stayed still long enough for Snape to complete all the tests needed. "Potter, I'm going to give you three potions. You are to take them now. When I return I expect to see you asleep on this couch. Do. Not. Get. Up. If you require immediate assistance, I request you call for a house elf." Snape handed him 3 vials from his cloak. One was Dreamless Sleep, another Skel-grow, and the last a Nutrition Potion. Harry drank each of these and when finished, looked around but Snape was nowhere to be found. He fell into a deep sleep.

Severus was striding with his cape billowing behind him. He was on his way to the hospital wing to deliver some potions when he ran into McGonagall.

"Evening, Severus," She greeted

"Minerva," Snape nodded.

"Where are you off to in such a hurry?"

"Hospital wing. It appears as though these student ran through potions as though they grow on trees. Poppy's supplies are down more than usual. Therefore, I am brining her some from my personal stock in case an emergency should arise in my absence."

"Very good. Severus, Harry has disappeared. The Order is in an uproar. It was your job to watch him. What have you done?"

Severus kept a straight face. "Mr. Potter is fine and I am aware of the situation. Good evening Minerva," He said and sauntered away leaving a very confused Minerva in his wake.

He took care of his delivery and returned to his chambers to see that Potter did, in fact, follow his instruction. _Perhaps he isn't a total waste. _Guilt washed over him as he looked at the sleeping ball on his couch. Potter was shivering, the blanket fallen by his side. Snape picked it up and wrapped it around the boy. He sighed, _I miss Lilly. _

Severus ordered dinner from a house elf and ate in silence, pondering. _How am I going to bring up the issue of his uncle? Obviously the boy is in pain, but he seems reluctant to speak about it. _The fire glowed brighter and Dumbledore stepped in, Harry was covered by his blanket, and hidden in the shadows. Snape was determined to get rid of the Headmaster before he saw Potter.

"Good evening Severus."

"Headmaster."

"How are you?"

"Fine" Snape said grumpily, hoping to end the conversation before it started

"Good!" Dumbledore said cheerfully. "Now, about Harry. How is he? I heard he is no longer within the wards of his aunt and uncle's house. Was there a problem, Severus?"

"No. I am aware of the situation and for now it's best if I just deal with it. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to read and get some sleep. This Potter watching has destroyed my sleeping habits."

"Alright then Severus. I expect to see you in the Grand Hall for breakfast meeting tomorrow, all staff is required to attend"

"Very well. Goodnight."

"Goodnight!" Dumbledore said with a wink and disappeared back though the fire.

Severus relaxed. _That was far too close. I'm putting Har—Potter in the guest room. _

He looked at the sleeping child and decided to not disturb him. _It can be done in the morning,_ Severus thought as he put up wards around the couch to warn him if Potter should wake up, or something go amiss in the night. He walked into his own room and collapsed on the bed, content to just sleep.

What feels like moments later, a scream pierces the night…


	5. Chapter 5: Cracking

_What feels like moments later, a scream pierces the night…_

Chapter 5: Cracking

Snape jumps from his bed, despite his exhaustion and runs to Potter on the couch. Harry's body was twisting and his arms flailing. Severus got close enough to grab Harry's wrists. Harry threw a punch, hitting Snape square in the nose. _Shit! _He reached for a waving wrist and caught it. Harry flinched at the touch and tried to twist away. In his confusion, Snape caught the other.

"NO UNCLE, NO. I'M SORRY PLEASE DON'T! SIRUS I'M SORRY IT'S MY FAULT!" Harry screamed and thrashed more violently than before. _I can't wait to get my hands on that bastard uncle of his. _

"Potter! Potter! You're okay!" He yelled and Harry flinched. _Damn Severus, yelling is not the way to go about this!_

"Shhh, Potter—Harry. It's okay. Shhhh," Snape soothed. _Better. _Harry started to relax, his breathing became more regular and he settled back into sleep. It was only then that Severus realized he had been stroking the boy's messy, black hair. _Do not develop feelings for this child. You can have no attachment to anyone. Just stop. _

Severus took one last look at Lilly's son and left to go back to his room. A question was nagging him. _I gave him Dreamless Sleep, how is he dreaming? _He shook his dead and decided to think about it in the morning.

Harry woke early, guessing by the summer sun, it was around 6am. He got up and padded around the room, looking for a bathroom. After a few minutes he gave up, the only door he found was one left half open leading to Snape's bedroom. Harry shuddered. He couldn't imagine waking his potions professor up to inquire something so childish. He sat back on the couch, flinching slightly at the pain in his leg and ribs. Harry sighed. _How am I going to explain this when the greasy git asks? He doesn't care—He did get me out of there though, that's more than anyone ever did for me. But I can't tell him. He cannot know. Unless he already does and is hiding it. _He shuddered to think of what Snape would do to him if he really did know. Would he punish him for not telling anyone sooner? He didn't want to think about it. The emptiness took over and he longed for his knife. His hands itched to feel the smooth handle, his arms begged for the coolness of the blade. _Where the hell is it? _He noticed Snape's cloak draped over the chair nearby, the knife beneath it. _Perfect, _Harry thought as he walked closer.

Snape woke at 8am. Not overly shocked at the late hour seeing as he was up all night. He stretched and rolled out of bed in a very un-snapelike manner. He heard a hiss of pain and bolted into the next room. He was greeted by a pale-faced Potter firmly gripping a bloody black knife. Snape searched the boy for cuts and noticed blood dripping off his fingers onto the stone floor.

"POTTER?! What do you think you're doing?!" Before Harry had a chance to respond, Snape crossed the floor and snatched the knife from Potter's hand. He stared the child in the eyes, looking for something, anything. He was met with nothing. The once luminous, emerald eyes were now dull and empty green voids. Harry broke eye contact and stared at the floor. Severus reached up to scratch an itch and Potter flinched. "I'm not going to hurt you Harry." _Since when do I call the brat Harry?! He's Potter._

_He called me Harry. Is he just trying to get on my good side? And why the hell would he tell me he isn't going to hurt me? What were all the snide comments in class then? _

"Mr. Potter, please sit"

"Actually _sir_," Harry began putting emphasis on the word, making it pointedly clear they were back to formalities, "I was wondering if you had a bathroom, or if I was going to have to walk up to the Gryffindor common room," he finished snarkily.

_He always manages to infuriate me. _"It's right over here," Snape said without malice, gesturing to a door Harry hadn't noticed when looking before.

"Thanks" Harry stepped through and locked the door. He took a deep breath and took care of his needs. Before he left he splashed water on his face, cleaned the blood off his arms, and looked in the mirror. A pale, skeletal face returned his stare. _The bruises are gone. I guess the salve worked then. _He looked at his arms._ What have I become? I'm weak and defenseless. Snape can never know. And what's with him being so nice? _

There was a knock at the door. "Mr. Potter, if you don't mind, I'd like to get in there myself." Severus said almost nicely. Harry looked in the mirror one last time and left. Snape hurried in and Harry was left alone in the library. He looked around at all the books, shockingly not all of them related to potions. _I guess Snape does have a life. _HE looked closer and realized that a large amount of books were about healing and medicine. _Working for Voldemort must have a great price. _Pity and guilt stabbed him. _I rarely have to face Voldemort, but Snape has to see him all the time. That must be hell. But I can't feel sorry for the prick who takes every opportunity to take a stab at me. But he helped…_

Harry's thoughts were interrupted as Severus returned and sat on the chair facing Harry.

Snape sighed. _How do I start? "Harry – No, Potter, I watched your uncle hit you… and I want you to know that doesn't have to happen. Would you like to talk about it? No. That won't work. Should I begin "Potter, what was the deal with the knife?" Yes, something like that could lead to the conversation we need to have. _"Harry – Er, Potter," Severus began clumsily, throwing Harry off, "why did you do that?" He gestured to Harry's recently slit arm.

_Shit, shit, shit, how do I reply to this?! _"Professor, I… I don't know"

"You. Don't. Know?"

"No, sir."

"Then why do it?"

"I don't know sir."

Snape was on his last nerve, he would have snapped by now, but the boy needed to feel secure and protected. _Why is this so damn hard for me?! Why am I the one who has to take care of him?! I don't have the bloody patience for this! But I have to, _he reminded himself. "Harry, please, what's so bad that you cut but can't explain why?"

"Why did you take me from my house?" Harry countered in a hoarse voice.

_Damn, I should have seen that coming. He's just like I was. _"You were in trouble and in need of rescue"

"Rescue from what?" Harry asked, playing dumb – which Snape did not appreciate one bit.

_Severus, this has to be hard for the boy, you were in his shoes. _He chastised himself. "If I tell you something I know, you'll give me more information. Deal?" It took everything he had to not say the last bit sarcastically. What was he thinking, making deals with students?

"Deal"

"Alright. I found you passed out in a puddle of your own blood with your hand on a bloody potions knife. Why?" Snape said in a gentle voice to not scare Harry off.

"I cut too deep. I wanted to die. I'm sick of feeling empty. Sirius was the last family I had" Harry paused, trying to stop the tears from falling, his voice from cracking. _Why am I admitting this to him? He doesn't care! Maybe he does. _Snape waited patiently for Harry to collect himself. He wasn't expecting this much at once. "If I had just… just… done something differently he'd still be there for me. And bloody Ron and Hermione. They're always together. But what do I care!" Harry raised his voice "Not like they've ever asked more about what goes on at home! HERMIONE DOESN'T EVEN SEE THROUGH THE GLAMOURS! WHAT THE HELL! No-no- no one ever notices that I can barely walk or sit. I-I-I "Harry shocked off and started sobbing. "I miss my parents, I want that love! I HATE FEELING EMPTY! The fucking cuts are all I can feel anymore!" Harry's shoulders shook, a small sound of pain escaped him.

Before he realized what he was doing, Severus crossed the room and put an arm around Potter. The action felt odd and foreign. Harry leaned into him and cried into his black robes. As uncomfortable as Snape was, a part of him knew this was the right thing. He wrapped his arms around the shaking boy and pulled him closer, carful to not put pressure on any of the open wounds in his back.

_I have to save him, _Severus thought as he cradled the boy, gently rubbing light circles on his back.


	6. Chapter 6: Starting to Care

_I have to save him, Severus thought as he cradled the boy, gently rubbing light circles on his back._

Chapter 6: Starting to Care

As Harry started calming down, Snape let go and inched away a bit on the couch. He intently watched the boy, afraid to make any sudden movements. Harry wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and stared at Snape, silently pleading for him to say something.

Snape was utterly speechless. A rare occurrence. "I'm sorry, Harry" he managed after minutes of deafening silence. Harry stared at the floor. He didn't know what he expected to feel, but he felt lighter in some way. Then the weight came crashing back down.

"I have to go back, don't I?" Harry said in a voice barely above a whisper.

Severus looked at the boy with concern, brows furrowed,"Why would you think that?"

"Because… Because the wards are there, I'm safer there. And right now, I'm putting you in danger" a strangled laugh escaped before he had time to think. "Sorry professor, I just never thought I'd say that to you."

"Mr. Potter, you will never have to return to that retched house, or those awful people."

"Professor?"

"Hm?"

"Why are you being so nice to me? I thought you hated me?" Harry asked shyly.

Snape grinded his teeth. He didn't want to admit to the boy that he'd been through the same thing and now felt incredibly guilty for tormenting him every day in class. "Because I know what it's like" he said at last.

"What do you mean?"

"This is not the time for this discussion, Mr. Potter. I'd like to ask you a few questions."

Harry didn't respond, he looked at the floor and absently traced the fresh cuts on his forearm.

"Mr. Potter, why did your uncle hit you?" Snape asked as gently as he could manage. He was blunt and knew it, there was no sense in beating around a bush. Faster answers would make for faster solutions. Harry didn't answer. "Mr. Potter?" Snape prodded, a hint of aggravation in his voice. Harry picked up on the irritated tone and winced, immediately wishing he hadn't.

"I don't want to talk about this now. Or ever. Can't we just go on as we used to and pretend this never happened?"

"No. Child abuse is a serious matter, in both the wizarding world as it is in the muggles' world. How often did it happen?"

"I like this room, the books are nice. Lots about healing – "

Snape cut him off, "Harry!" He demanded.

"Please, I don't want to…" Harry begged. _Vernon would kill me if he finds out. I can't endure it anymore. _

"Okay," Severus said in a tired voice. He was exhausted and decided to try again the following day. "Let's have some lunch" Harry looked up in surprise then remembered that he shouldn't be so excited about food and lowered his head once more. "Mr. Potter, don't try to hide it, I know you came here malnourished. How often did you eat? If you just answer that, I won't ask any more questions until tomorrow."

"Once a week… sometimes." Came the quiet reply. Severus nodded, not wanting his voice to betray his anger at the muggles and frighten Harry.

"Come on, let's go eat" he stood to go to the kitchen, but Harry didn't move. "Potter? You deaf?"

"No sir. I'm just not hungry"

"You have to eat, at least something. What would you like?"

"Nothing"

"Fine then," Snape said as he left and went to the next room. A house elf appeared and he told her to bring steak, baked potatoes, and broccoli for two.

She brought the meal and Severus called Harry into the kitchen. Harry's stomach growled at the sight. Snape smirked, "So you are hungry"

"Maybe a little" Harry said as he sat in front of his plate of steak.

They both ate in silence, each not knowing what to say to the other. Harry scarfed his meal, finished within minutes. He felt sick. Snape watched Harry wolf down his food. _He'll be sick in minutes. Anyone would, but he hasn't eaten properly in weeks. _Severus conjured a bucket in front of Potter just in time. Harry promptly vomited and collapsed beside the table. With a wave of his wand, Snape made the bucket vanish and knelt to help Potter off the floor. _He's still a bloody idiot._

"I'm sorry," Harry said weakly, as Snape carried him to the guest bedroom. Snape shook his head. _Unbelievable, the boy apologizes for getting sick._

"It isn't your fault. Eat more slowly next time, it will go better. For now, just take this potion and try to sleep. I'll be back to check on you. Unfortunately you partially missed the bucket." Snape handed harry a nutrition potion, Harry drank it and put the empty vial on the nightstand along with his glasses.

Severus was already back in the kitchen, muttering a "Scourgify" to clean the rest of the sick. He sighed. _Will Potter ever learn? Yes, given time he will. Speaking of learning, doesn't he have summer homework? He's obviously done none of it. _

A few hours later Snape went in to check on his charge, seeing him sleeping peacefully warmed his heart. The feeling startled him. _No, I will not let myself stoop to this level. _He put Potter's books on the bedside table and took the empty vial.

Harry slept until the following morning, waking up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee. He rubbed his eyes and grabbed his glasses and padded out into the library. It was getting easier to navigate Snape's chambers. All the hidden doors were far less hidden when one knew where to look. He walked into the kitchen.

"Good morning" Snape said, looking over his newspaper at Harry. He was already dressed in a black t-shirt and dark jeans. Harry was far too tired to notice

"Muuhh grrrr nuh"

"Not a morning person I see."

"Nrrrggg" Harry shuffled over to the coffee pot and poured himself a mug, added cream and sugar and took his place across from Snape.

Severus read the news while Harry tried to wake up.

"Professor?"

"Ah, he speaks" Snape teased. He kind of liked having someone else around it made him realize how quiet it was before. Even if the someone else was the offspring of his lost love and worst enemy.

Harry smiled. He didn't want to admit it, but Snape wasn't too bad. He'd grown used to keeping to himself and it was nice to have someone to talk to. As long as it wasn't about his family or his cuts. He wanted to thank Snape for getting him the hell out of there, but couldn't find the words so he settled for, "What are you planning to do today?"

"Perhaps brew some more potions for the infirmary, it appears as though Poppy is running low. And you should start on your summer work"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Would you like to assist me with a potion? I think maybe even you could handle it." Snape said with a snort, old habits die hard. But harry didn't look upset.

For once, Harry didn't take offense, he could have still been at the Dursleys. "Sure."

They had some eggs for breakfast then left Snape's chambers. "I don't brew in my home, things get complicated and when potion ingredients mix with kitchen supplies, it's more likely to ingest something one shouldn't" Snape said with his usual lecture voice.

Harry instinctually groaned at the tone. "Sorry, habit"

"Perhaps, Mr. Potter, if you paid less attention to my tone and more to what I'm telling you, your grade in my class wouldn't suffer as much"

Harry sheepishly grinned at his professor. Snape smirked as they entered his private lab.

"Today we're making an Invigoration Draught, it's a first year potion, I assume you remember how to make it?" Harry nodded in response. "Good. Begin."

Harry collected the necessary ingredients as Severus got his own. He was brewing a Wolfsbane Potion. Snape relaxed in the familiar atmosphere, it was good to be back brewing the needed potions. It made him feel useful to help Poppy make others in need better. _Though I'd never admit it _he mused.

Harry finished his potion and Severus had to give him credit, it was perfect. "Well done Mr. Potter." The emerald eyes flicked up to him and for a second he saw Lilly in those eyes. _Lilly, I miss her._

Harry registered the momentary sad look in the potion master's eyes. He didn't want to say anything that might spark Snape's interest in getting his questions answered. "Thanks Professor. It was easier without you taunting me"

Snape grimaced, "Yeah, sorry about that too"

Harry looked at his feet, "it's alright, I guess. I mean, you didn't know. No one did. I preferred it that way, but it isn't so bad with you knowing. You're the only one, right?" _Damn, I shouldn't have said anything._

"Yes" Snape responded with a slight smile, pleased that he was still able to keep the boy's treatment a secret. "But speaking of that, we need to talk" Even though Severus was piecing together everything, he still needed vocal confirmation from Harry to confirm his suspicions. His potion had to simmer for three more nights, so they left, and returned to the library. Snape lit the fire to break the chill.

"Can we just talk about… my uncle today? I don't want to get into the emotional shit right now," Harry asked innocently. _Better to just get it over with._

Snape nodded wondering how getting beaten isn't an emotional experience. _I guess when you've been through so many other hard things, it's just another one to handle. _

"It's always been like this" Harry began. "They've always treated me terribly, my first memories are of them throwing me into scalding water for my baths – I didn't get them much, but I didn't really mind. One day I just really didn't want to go in the bath and I hovered over the water. I didn't know what I was doing. Now I understand that it was accidental magic. But I didn't then." Snape nodded, urging Harry to go on. "That was my first real beating. Vernon took off his belt and whipped me until I passed out. I learned to hide the magic from them, but I knew it was there. I always healed faster than I should. Guess it was helping me with that too, and the glamours… I just had them up one day... Then… when I was five, they said I had to start kindergarten, but I couldn't do freak things—er, magic. I didn't – afraid of what they would do to me, especially now that they knew I could hide it. He also said I couldn't tell anyone no matter how much I hurt.

"The years went by like this" Harry continued, "Until my tenth birthday when I learned I was a wizard. Hogwarts became my home that year. I had friends who cared, and teachers who taught me how to use my magic… No one called me a freak… I assumed that was what it was like to have a family. I didn't mind your lectures, well, I didn't like them, but nothing made them worse than being home. Unfortunately I couldn't stay here over the summers, for obvious reasons." Again, Snape nodded. "The summers were worse than the years before. The beatings got more intense. More bones were broken. Every day I got back, as soon as I could use magic again, I disappeared before the feast to use spells to heal my bones. I kept the glamours up to hide the rest. I learned." Harry finished with a sigh and stared at the leather couch, tracing worn leather patterns with his fingers. It felt better. Even though he had spoken in monotone the whole time, mechanically like a robot, it was better to have said it.

Snape really didn't know what to say. _Harry has absolutely no clue how awful this sounds. This is normal to him. Just like it was once normal to me. I'm going to teach those damn muggles a lesson they won't soon forget. But first… _"Harry, this is not something to be ashamed of. You didn't do it to yourself. Why didn't you tell anyone?" Snape already knew the answer. He'd answered the question before.

He sagged in the chair "Professor, would you have believed me if I told you? Would anyone? Would Dumbledore really think his 'Golden-Boy' was getting beatings from muggles?"

Severus considered this. "I would assume if you were to inform the head master of this predicament he would investigate, however, yes, it would be hard to believe. Knowing the old fool he would have over-reacted." Harry smiled slightly. "Thank you for being honest with me… We will eventually have to tell the Headmaster. I'm required to have a private meeting with him since I missed the all staff breakfast. He will inquire as to why I missed it, not doubt."

"C-c-can't you lie?!" Harry stuttered quickly.

"Of course I can," Snape said smugly. "But he's still going to ask for an update on you, that's certain."

"Just, just give me more time… If you have to tell him something… don't tell him about… about what I did with my potions knife, please"

"Okay," Severus said softly. He wasn't sure why he was agreeing, perhaps he was growing fond of the boy. _That will never do with the Dark Lord breathing down my neck. Good thing I've mastered Occlumency, _he thought with a mental smile.

"I'm going to go work on my homework" Harry stated and stood to go back to his room.

"When you finish, bring it to me to check. I'll be in here." _Woah, Sev, where did that come from? You really are starting to care... Starting? _His mind mused, _you've cared since the moment you saw his uncle bring down the belt. _The thought left him with a slight frown, remembering the abuse. He got up and began making a late lunch to take his mind off things.


	7. Chapter 7: Mistakes

Chapter 7: Mistakes

"Potter, lunch!" Snape called through the house.

"Coming" came the quick reply. Harry dashed in and sat in his place.

"Am I to serve you?"

"Uhh, sorry sir!" Harry said as he stood and put food on his plate.

As per usual, they dined in silence. Harry ate far more slowly this time and Severus took notice, but made no comment. _No doubt Potter was still embarrassed to have vomited in front of his most detested professor. _The thought saddened him. He used to bask in the glory of knowing how much his taunting comments affected Potter. Now he just felt guilt. "Potter," he began, unsure of where he was going, "I wanted to formally apologize for taunting you. The guilt is nearly insufferable. I am truly deeply sorry for hurting you."

"I've already forgiven you, Professor. I see you've changed, due to the current circumstances if you hadn't you really would be a bastard." Harry smiled but sincerely added "don't feel guilty for the past, live in the present and change to be better."

Snape nodded his thanks. _When did that child get so wise? He's been spending too much time with the old fool. _

"I've almost completed my Transfiguration homework, Defense Against the Dark Arts is next… Potions will be last, sorry, I'm still dreading it."

Snape almost chuckled, but suppressed it with a smirk. "As long as you complete the assignment, I care not in what order it is done." Harry left the room and began working. Severus groaned, _3pm, I'm late for my meeting with Albus. Damn. _He waved his wand and the dishes disappeared and started off to the Headmaster's office. He could have flooed, but this stalled him and allowed him more time to think about what he could tell the headmaster without giving too much away. The rage he had about Harry's situation was building in him as he knocked.

"Come in Severus," Dumbledore called, Snape entered. "Lemon drop?" He declined. "Well, it's always all business with you. Why did you miss the all staff meeting?"

"I overslept, Headmaster." Severus said in a nonchalant tone.

"That's unlike you," he observed.

"Sleep was difficult"

"Severus, you're evading my questions right and left. What's troubling you, my boy?" He asked with a twinkle in his eye.

"Nothing, Headmaster," Snape wished he were anywhere else, his expression and voice remained calm and uncaring, but inside he was panicking.

"Don't lie to me, dear boy," he prodded.

"I've been up taking care of Mr. Potter."

A look of shock crossed Dumbledore's face, but quickly vanished and was replaced by a dark scowl. "Why might that be?"

"He was in danger and needed to be removed," he replied matter-of-factly.

"What kind of danger?" the twinkle was gone from his eyes.

Snape couldn't control his anger at the man anymore, his face contorted in a twist of pain and rage "He was being beaten by his uncle! HIS ENTIRE LIFE! DID YOU NEVER ONCE THINK TO CHECK UP ON HIM?!" Severus wanted to go further, but couldn't, he was too infuriated to speak.

"Severus… I never… I never thought that would be an issue…. I knew they weren't the best muggles, but—"

Snape cut him off "YOU KNEW THEY WERE AWFUL AND YOU NEVER BOTHERED TO CHECK IT OUT, MAKE SURE YOUR GOLDEN-BOY WAS DOING OKAY WITH HIS BLOODY RELATIVES WHO HATE MAGIC!? He called himself a _FREAK_. That's what they called him every damn day! They beat him! His back was in tatters! The skin ripped open. Dreadful!" In his rage, Severus managed to project a 3D replica of his memory of Vernon beating Harry. It disappeared a minute later, after the scene flashed by numerous times. Snape looked away, he'd seen it enough in his nightmares. _I've never done that before. Has anyone? _Dumbledore looked just as shocked as Severus, at both what the man just did and what Harry went through.

"I don't know what to say… Severus, I never meant to hurt the boy" he stated with tears in his eyes.

"More than a decade," Snape seethed.

"We must bring him to the infirmary, he must be in pain—"

"Don't bother, I took care of him. He's working on his summer homework.

"Severus—"

"I think we've talked long enough Headmaster. I must get back to Potter."

After Snape left, Harry did not start on his homework. He was filled with dread at the thought of Dumbledore learning of his past. His feelings and emotions had only begun to return and Harry was already regretting wishing for them to come back. He located his knife, happy to have something familiar in his hands. He pressed the blade into his skin and drew a long line down his arm. The scar tissue ripped easily. All the cuts on the rest of his body had been healed with the salves for bruises. Apparently Harry's body could heal him better when it wasn't working through bruises and broke bones. Harry reveled in the silent bliss of the overwhelming pain. It cleared his head of all but blind white. A moment later he remembered where he was. He instantly regretted his decision and threw the knife into the sink.

Taking a deep breath, he walked to the sink and pulled out the knife, cleaned it, and put it back where he'd found it. Blood slithered down his arm, a sleek red snake reminding him he needed to clean the cut. He did so and wrapped gauze around the wound. Some blood soaked through, but not much. He was working on homework when Snape stomped into the library. Harry stayed hidden in his room until dinner.

"Potter, dinner's ready."

"Coming," Harry said as he pulled on a black sweatshirt and came into the kitchen. "Smells good, chicken soup?"

"Yes, is that alright with you?" Snape said more harshly than he intended. Harry flinched, but ignored his irrational fear and sat down at his place.

"Did your meeting go poorly?" He asked, his voice quaking with fear and uncertainty.

_Damn, I've scared him, I really should work on getting my anger in check. _"It was alright," He forced the words painfully.

"You had to tell him, didn't you?" Harry asked, noticing how Snape's frown increased at the gentle accusation.

"Unfortunately, yes. He was an idiot to not have sent others to check up on you."

Harry stayed silent. He didn't know what to say. Dumbledore was his hero, to hear that he never even made sure Harry was safe hit him deep. He longer for his knife again, then guiltily remembered what he'd done in Snape's absence.

"Potter, it's incredibly hot," Snape said as he shed his outer cloak and sweatshirt, "how are you comfortable in that?"

Harry was trying to get over the shock of seeing his potions master so cool, calm and collected sitting in front of him in a black, tight t-shirt and dark jeans.

"What are you ogling about? This is what I've been wearing every day of the summer, changing obviously, but the same colour scheme."

"I just never noticed," Harry said, looking at the floor, sweat dripped from his brow and he hastily tried to wipe his forehead without his portions professor noticing. Unfortunately Severus was a spy, and spies noticed things.

"Take off the sweatshirt, Potter," Snape hissed, he had an idea as to why Potter would rather bake in a jacket than reveal his arms to Severus.

"No."

"Did you…?" Not wanting to finish the sentence Severus trailed off.

"Yes"

"Why?"

"I don't know."

Severus took a minute to recollect himself so he didn't yell at Harry. _Why does the boy keep doing this? It does no one any good at all. If it's just for attention… Obviously it isn't, otherwise he would not have been so afraid he found the marks of his beating. _Snape sighed tiredly. "You do."

"Yes."

"But you won't tell me?"

"No, I'm going to do more homework now. Thanks for dinner" he said, pushing himself away from the table and hurrying out of the room.

Severus let him go, it wouldn't do to force it out of the child.


	8. Chapter 8: Rough Rapids, Calming Waters

Chapter 8: Rough Rapids, Calming Waters

Harry stayed in his room the rest of the night. He's shed the sweatshirt in the safety of his room directly after dinner. _Why do I care if he sees them? He knows already. No, I don't want him to look at them sadly or with pity. I don't want the stares…. But he doesn't stare at my other scars. Tomorrow will just be different._

Harry crawled into bed and the nightmares began.

_Vernon was beating Harry with a long metal rod, shattering his ribs. Snape stood in the corner, bound there by magic, forced to watch but unable to assist. Harry screamed and coughed up blood, staining the white carpet on which he was laying. Vernon smacked him again, this time the pole was on fire. Flames began licking his skin, searing his skin. He begged for his uncle to stop but he didn't. He morphed into Voldemort. "Crucio!" Pan encompassed Harry's entire being. He shrieked and The Dark Lord laughed. Severus was screaming now too. "Potter! The only way I can help you is if you release me from my bonds! Only you can save yourself! RELEASE ME!" Dumbledore walked into the room casually, he watched as Harry squirmed in pain on the floor, his eyes pleading for mercy. He kindly asked Voldemort to let Harry go. The Dark Lord laughed, "Old man, I would never let him go, this is far too thrilling!"_

"_Potter!"_

"_Potter!"_

Potter!

Harry opened his eyes and saw a disheveled, worried Snape griping his shoulders, calling his name.

"Oh thank god! Harry!… What happened?!"

"Nightmare"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No"

"Okay. Well try to get some sleep then" Severus turned to leave.

"Professor?"  
Snape sighed and turned back around. He looked like he hadn't slept but two minutes. "Yes?"

"Would you just… stay here with me? For a while? Please?"

The child looked so innocent and afraid. Severus couldn't say no. He pulled a comfortable chair over beside the bed and sat next to Harry. The both fell asleep minutes later.

Morning came and went, it was late afternoon when Severus woke. Harry's bed was deserted. A cold chill went through him, he stood and ran out of the room, only to trip on Potter. He was laying on the floor with an open potions book, working on the summer homework assigned. "What are you doing on the floor, Mr. Potter?"

"Uh, homework, Professor?"

Snape smirked, "eloquent as ever, Mr. Potter." He went to prepare lunch.

The following weeks went by, much like this. Harry having nightmares at least four nights a week, and Snape comforting him. They spent the days working on potions and engaging in neutral conversation. Severus never pushed Harry far when asking about cuts, new or old. It appeared as though Potter couldn't shake the habit. The school year was to start two weeks, which meant Snape had to make lesson plans and Harry needed to finish his homework.

"Professor?" Harry asked. Snape was busily working in his study, no doubt on next year's curriculum.

"Potter, I'm busy, can it wait until after dinner?"

"It's nine-thirty, sir," Harry said glumly, he didn't get hungry frequently, but his stomach was growling.

"Damn, I'm sorry." Snape inwardly shook his head, he was still getting used to being nice to Harry. He enjoyed his company, and though he loathed to admit it, he was really going to miss him once the year started. "Let's get some food then" Harry perked up and followed his potions master.

As they ate dinner, Severus mentally noted that Potter had a new cut on his arm. He raised his eyebrows at Harry, but the boy merely shrugged. Midway through the meal, Harry spoke up, "How do you deal with it?"

"Please explain."

"How do you deal with the stress of the Dark Lord? Knowing you have to go when he calls you, regardless of what you're doing. That you might have to kill people! How do you keep a straight face when life is a bitch? How do you deal with the students, you have to know what they think of you? Doesn't it bother you? How are you even dealing with me? I know you're overworked and tired. Forgive me for saying this but; you've looked awful these past few days. I'm sorry if my nightmares keep you up, I try to not scream too loudly…." Harry trailed off.

"I am content working. It takes my mind off things like the Dark Lord and the hell that is the rest of my life. As for the students and their silly little games, I don't let that get to me. Why do you ask?"

"I was just wondering. I clearly don't have a good way of dealing with pain and stress."

"Obviously." When Harry stayed silent, Snape continued, "if you're looking for an outlet, what about writing? You could write letters, that you maybe never send, poetry, stories… The options are endless. But you have to find what works best for you. I know you may think that cutting is the only way, but I can assure you it isn't. I know you haven't stopped, and even though you won't tell me why you've been doing it in the first place, I have my suspicions." Harry looked up at this, slightly shocked. "Potter, really, do you think I'm an idiot?" Potter shook his head. "Good, I'm not. I know part of it is because you're stressed, but I don't know what the other parts are. And I'm not asking you to tell me. I'm just suggesting another outlet might be more helpful"

"Okay" Harry said after a long minute, digesting what his potions master had told him. "I finished my homework"

"I'd be glad to look it over" Both relaxed, as the heated topic had passed and neutral ground was reached again. After dinner, Harry gave Snape all his homework to look over. Two Hours later, he returned it, and Harry began the process of correcting his mistakes.

The summer was coming to an end and Harry was anxious as to what the year would bring. He knew that Snape couldn't continue to be nice to him, but after the months he had spent in the dungeon, he didn't know what else to call home. He climbed into bed and was contemplating this when Snape knocked at the door. "Come in"

Severus entered cautiously. "I was wondering if you would like to accompany me to Diagon Alley tomorrow. You need books and… other school essentials, I presume."

Harry's face lit up. "I'd love to professor!"

Snape smiled a small smile, relieved. "Good, we will be leaving at nine, we can beat the crowds that way" he said as he left.

**A/N: Sorry for the short chapter, another will be up soon!**


	9. Chapter 9: Diagon Alley

Chapter 9: Diagon Alley

Harry woke early in the morning, anxious and excited to be going somewhere out of the castle. He got up and padded through the house to the kitchen. He made some coffee and sat at the table with his mug waiting for Snape to get up.

Severus woke up late, the clock read 8:39. _Shit. We have to leave in 21 minutes. _He jumped out of bed, performed a cleansing spell on himself and put on his usual black robes. He strolled into the kitchen, a mass of black fabric billowing in his wake. "Potter, good morning, we're late. Go get dressed!" Harry ran from the kitchen and pulled on the nicest clothes he had, a black sweatshirt, black t-shirt and dark jeans. He laughed as he realized how much he looked like Snape on the days he was wearing causal clothes. He sprinted back into the kitchen, his black converse crunching across stray crumbs on the floor.

"Ready!" he exclaimed. Snape shook his head smiling.

"You really can get ready quickly when you wish to." Harry laughed as Severus got into the fireplace and flooed to Diagon Alley. Harry followed moments after, glamours up. Snape took notice.

"Alright Mr. Potter, should we see anyone we know, someone tried to attack you at home so I had to take you back to the castle. Be vague if you have to explain to anyone. Make it sound as though you've been in your Gryffindor room, but don't outright lie. I'm sorry of what I might do today to hold up this falsehood that we despise each other. Don't listen to what I say about you..." Snape continued repeating himself and tripping over words. Harry eventually tuned him out and started thinking about the school year_. What would I tell Ron and Hermione? I can't explain why Snape saved me if I don't tell them what I've been through. Not the time to worry about this. _Harry glanced back at his professor, still rambling about how much he didn't want Harry to be hurt by the things he might have to say if they saw someone. "…And I just don't want you thinking I've forgotten what happened these last few weeks—"

"Professor?" Snape stared blankly at Harry, confusion written across his face. "You've been talking for the past fifteen minutes… I understand what you're saying. I know the story and realize that you might have to be an ass to me to hold our cover. It's fine. Now, I need some books." They set off for the bookstore and Severus tried to figure out what made him simply lose track of time and his ability to formulate proper sentences and lectures. He came up with nothing and dropped it from his mind.

They got Harry's books, encountering no one at the bookstore, except the cashier. A sharp look from Severus kept him quiet. As they were walking to Gringotts, Snape pulled Harry into a clothing shop. Robes of different sizes and colours lined the walls, they were greeted by a tall, muscular man.

"Ah, Severus! I had not expected to see you so late in the summer! I figured you took your business elsewhere! And who is this?!" He said with a thick French accent.

"Yes, Pierre, this is Harry. He needs robes, and clothes, a bit of everything." Pierre's eyes grew large.

"One of everything?" He asked, awe in his voice.

"Actually a BIT of everything, let's go, we have a lot to get done today," Snape said grumpily,

Pierre began magically taking measurements, a measuring tape zoomed around Harry as he moved to the positions Pierre instructed. Once all the measurements were taken, Pierre started a spell and conjured one shirt, robe, pair of dark jeans, underwear, shorts sweatshirt and sweatpants. He gave them to Harry as asked him to try them all. They all fit perfectly. He came back, carrying the armload of things and set them on the counter. Snape whispered something to Pierre, and the amount of clothes multiplied. There were different colours of the clothes now, instead of just the black there was before. Harry backed up in amazement. Severus laughed and ordered some clothes for himself.

"Just charge it all to my bill Pierre" Harry looked at Snape, shocked that he would offer something like that.

"Professor—"

"Sh, Harry!"

Pierre was making calculations and handed Snape a bill. "Your payment will be forthcoming Pierre, please ship these to my home."

"Okay sir! It was lovely doing business with you!"

Harry and Snape left, on their way to Gringotts Harry asked, "Why did you pay for that stuff for me? I could have afforded it after we went to my vault."

"Mr. Potter, do you have any idea what today is?"

"Uh, no?"

"It's July 31st, Happy Birthday Mr. Potter."

Harry had completely forgotten about his own birthday, he forgot about their cover, he was just so elated. He smiled at Snape "Thank you"

_The boy was absolutely delighted at just new clothes. I can't wait to give him his present. _"You're welcome."

They got to Gringotts and made their exchanges. It was around noon and they decided to get lunch. Snape suggested a shady bar, they sat in a shadowy corner so neither would be recognized. After the meal, Harry went out to do some last minute shopping and Severus went back to the bookstore. He hoped to find some sort of leisure reading to calm his nerves. Ever since he realized how little time he had left with Potter, he started worrying. _Would school get too stressful and he make a try at taking his life again? Would he lose his head and try other things? How am I supposed to be an ass to him again after all we've been through?_

Harry, on the other hand, was at ease walking through a shop with little trinkets and peculiar jewelry. He picked up a necklace with a serpent on the end. The snake's eyes glowed green, like a luminous version of Harry's. It was masculine enough for a man of any age to wear it, and it could disappear beneath a shirt if needed. He picked up a few other things and was on his way back to Snape when he ran into Ron.

"Hey, Harry!" Ron said excitedly.

"Hi Ron! How've you been?" Harry said, feigning excitement. All he saw in Ron's eyes were a lack of understanding. _And how could he understand? He still has a family and love. And he throws his mom love away as though it's irritating and a bother. Calm down Harry. Relax. _Harry saw Snape out of the corner of his eye and knew he needed to end the conversation with Ron as soon as he could.

"I've been fine Harry! Well better than that! I got to spend some time in Romania. The dragons were fantastic. There was even this blue one, rare, it was, laying eggs! I can tell you more about that later. How are you?"

"I'm fine. I have to go, late actually. See you around" Harry replied and disappeared into a small pub, nearly running into Severus.

"Aright then Mr. Potter—"

"Professor Snape. No time. Ron!"

Snape turned on his heel, scooped Harry up and ran to the fireplace, threw Harry in and stated "Snape's Chamber." He quickly followed and found Harry on the floor in a ball, coughing up smoke.


	10. Chapter 10: Preparing for Separation

_Snape turned on his heel, scooped Harry up and ran to the fireplace, threw Harry in and stated "Snape's Chamber." He quickly followed and found Harry on the floor in a ball, coughing up smoke._

Chapter 10: Preparing for Separation

Snape rushed over to the kitchen and got Harry some water. He drank it slowly, to stop the coughing.

"Are you alright?" Severus asked, caringly. _What the hell? I need to stop this. Har—Potter. Potter will be gone soon. And then what, Severus, then what are you going to do? Back to your lonely hell._

"Yeah," Harry said with a scratchy voice.

"Now what was all that about Mr. Weasley?"

"He was asking how I was and I thought he might ask how  
I got to Diagon Alley and I panicked. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for. You got out fine. No one noticed. Weasley might ask questions at the welcome feast. Or on the train.

"The train? I figured I'd just appear at the welcome feast late or something. No one would notice…"

"Mr. Potter, you're the only person they'd notice had disappeared."

"Damn. Well, I'm going to my room to sort all my things, I got some presents for Ron and Hermione." Harry said. Then added under his breath "not like they deserve them."

"What was that last part, Mr. Potter? And language. Had this been the school year, Gryffindor would have just lost five points."

Harry smirked but it fell when he realized that he had to explain his frustration with Ron and Hermione. "Well, Professor, it's just that…. They don't get what it's like to be me. They get to have normal lives and Ron… well, he complains about how his mom fawns over him too much and all this other shit. Sorry. But it just frustrates me. I don't have a mother! I have a…."

"An aunt and uncle that treat you worse than shit." Snape finished for him.

"Yeah that… Anyway, I'm going to go up and wrap this stuff now." He got up and walked to his room to stow and wrap his purchases.

A moment later, the clothes Snape had ordered to be sent to the house arrived, after making sure everything was as it should be, he walked over to a couch and collapsed in exhaustion. _I don't think he's ready to go back. That encounter with Mr. Weasley seemed to push him to a breaking point. And while that's fine when it's me, Mr. Potter is friends with the Weasley brat. I'm shocked he hasn't told him about his home situation already in a fit of anger. Perhaps I don't give Harry enough credit. _Severus shook his head. _This is absurd. I have a job to do and I cannot get attached to Potter—at least not more attached than I already am._

Harry was looking at the items he got for his friends. A bracelet for Hermione that stored up to twenty books. _Thank Merlin for shrinking charms. _And for Ron, enough candy to keep the Hogwarts Express trolley stocked for weeks. He wrapped both of those, anger filling him. _They really don't care about me. _Harry grabbed for his knife and sliced his arm. _What the hell are you doing? You know this doesn't help! But it feels so damn good, _Harry argued with himself. Another slit, this one in his ankle. Then his hip. _STOP, _his mind screamed to him. Harry threw the knife down on the old rag in which he kept it wrapped. He sat in his bed and tried to relax.

Once he calmed down and got the bleeding under control, he turned his attention to his gift for Snape. The snake with luminous green eyes turned its head to look at him. He performed charms on it so no one could ever take it from Snape, no one could deeply physically hurt him or kill him when he was wearing the snake charm in some way, shape, or form. The snake seemed to nod with each spell thrust upon it, as though it approved. "You'll have a new master," he told the snake. "He's one of the best people I've ever met. I just don't want him to ever be in pain again. Not after all he's done for me." Tears rolled down Harry's cheeks and the snake slithered off the chain to wipe them from his face. It was only three inches long when uncoiled, but it had love in its heart. "Thanks." The snake flicked its tongue in response and slithered back to the chain and reattached. Harry took a minute to really study its scales, each one carved so well the snake looked real. Its silver head turned to look at Harry again and he noticed that even when in place, it was breathing. Harry performed more charms on it, including an unbreakable spell. He collapsed on his bed afterward. _Too much magic in a small span of time. It had to be done._

Severus had fallen asleep in the couch, not wanting to deal with his wandering mind. Nightmares plagued his nap. Most involved Harry leaving and dying without saying goodbye.

_Snape cried in pain as he watched the Dark Lord destroy the child he cared for most before his eyes. In that moment, Harry was not the Boy-Who-Lived, he was Harry, a mere boy that attended Hogwarts, the boy Severus saved from death, a child lost in the world, scared and alone. He watched as Harry fell to the ground and Voldemort's laugh echoed though the field. A maniac laughing about the death of a child who only survived the death curse because of love. Something the Dark Lord didn't understand. But the love had been beaten out of Harry. Years of pain and neglect made him forget how to love and care. He gave up his will to live. Severus looked at the body laying inches from Voldemort's feet. He let out a cry and fell to his knees, tears streamed down his face. The Dark Lord turned and faced Severus. "Severus, you were always such a great follower. Too bad you end today." Snape smiled as Voldemort cast the killing curse and he felt blind pain._

He woke to a soft touch on his arm and looked up, startled, to see Harry staring at him intently.

"P-p-p-professor?" Harry asked with a quaking voice, "A-are you okay?"

Snape just stared at Harry for a minute then pulled him into his arms. He started crying into the raven hair, not letting Harry go for fear he would die. Harry pushed away after a few minutes and Severus collected himself. "Harry, I'm sorry, it was a nightmare. Are you alright?"

Harry looked shaken, but nodded. "I was worried… you were… well, crying, Professor. I didn't know what to do—"

"Thank you Harry. Would you like some dinner?"

"Sure"

The house elf brought it straight away.

Dinner began as usual, in silence. But Severus broke it. "Mr. Potter, there's something we need to discuss." Harry looked up, fearfully. "No, not about you, or your new cuts. Yes, I noticed. But I want to speak about our relationship. I realize I have basically taken you in as my charge, but no one at Hogwarts can know. I'm going to have to go back to my old ways as soon as the Hogwarts Express arrives. That means that I will go back to taunting you in class, and doing everything else that made me a slimy, greasy git." Harry looked down trying to blink back the tears in his eyes. "But, Harry, that doesn't mean that's how I feel. It isn't. I care more about you than you will ever understand." _Why am I admitting this? _"I want you to know that you can always come and talk to me. Owl me if you want to talk and I can give you a detention, at least that can be the story." Harry looked a bit happier with the news. "I'm here for you Harry."

"Thank you, sir," he said and they continued to eat in silence.

Once the meal concluded, Severus waved his wand and the dishes disappeared. He motioned for Harry to stay and he left to retrieve something. When he returned, he brought a package with him and handed it to Harry.

He started tearing carefully at the paper, and as it fell away he found a black journal with his name engraved in silver at the top. His hands shook with excitement, "thank you" he breathed.

"That's not all Mr. Potter. If you write in it, a message will come to me. In my journal. He produced a journal that looked exactly like Harry's but with "Severus Snape" engraved. Harry smiled with tears in his eyes.

"May I try it out?"

"Of course."

Harry conjured a quill and ink and began writing. He stopped and a minute later, Snape's name went from silver to a dark gray. "That's how I know I have a message, " Severus explained.

_Professor Snape,_

_I'm really going to miss you. It's already killing me._

_-Harry._

Severus looked up and took the quill to reply. Harry's name faded and he opened the journal.

_Harry,_

_I too will miss you, but you will still see me every day, if you wish._

_Now, you need sleep. I suggest you get to bed after reading this._

_-Severus_

Harry read the message, got up and ran over to Snape. He hugged him tightly, thanked him again, and ran to his room, cradling his new journal.


	11. Chapter 11: The Last Night

Chapter 11: The Last Night

The last two weeks flew by. Harry's things were packed, ready to be loaded onto the train. Both Harry and Snape were trying to cope with the inevitable separation.

Severus was enjoying his evening by reading in his library when Harry cautiously entered the room. Snape looked up, concerned.

"Professor, I have something for you…"

"What might that be?"

Harry walked closer and produced a small package, Snape looked closer, and Harry handed the present to him. "It um… Well, it's to thank you for… well, being so nice to me. And saving me and stuff I just wanted to show my appreciation." Severus opened the wrapping and held up the necklace. The snake blinked and slithered onto his new master's hand. Snape gasped in astonishment. He could feel all the magic within the snake, every spell, from the one who casted it. He also felt the love within the snake, a love for Severus, placed there by Harry.

"It's amazing, Harry! I love it!"

"I'm glad, and there are spells in it to keep you safe and… to save you from death."

"I know, I can feel them. I can also feel the snake radiating love for me; I know you had to have put that in him"

"Yes sir. I'll miss you, sir." Snape hugged Harry in return. They stayed like that until morning.

**A/N: I know this is incredibly short, but I couldn't really pair it with anything else, it needed to be its own chapter, the next one will be up soon! I have some free time today because a few classes were cancelled due to snow! Yay nice university professors!**


	12. Chapter 12: Back To School

Chapter 12: Back To School

Morning came far too quickly and Severus woke first. He checked the time 11:02. _Shit!_

"Potter! We're late! Technically you've missed the train!"

"Shit! What should we do?!"

"Language Mr. Potter!" Snape smirked, that was his reaction too. "Let's just move all your things to your room and act like you got here earlier by escort to keep you safe."

"Okay"

Severus waved his wand and all of Potter's things disappeared and went to his dormitory.

"That was fast."

"Well, Potter, that wasn't really a spell of much difficulty. Surely someone of your year, sixth isn't it, Should be able to do a spell such as this." Snape said, sliding back into his old ways more easily than he expected.

"I suppose" _Damn, Snape did that so well. How am I supposed to react? I know he doesn't mean it, but the insults are gonna hurt like hell. Whatever, I'll get used to it._

"You know I mean you no pain, or harm, we simply have to get reacquainted to 'hating' each other. At least for the school year, alright?"

"Yes professor," Harry said with little enthusiasm.

"Let's have lunch. We still have about six hours until the damn feast starts."

"Snape, you hypocrite!" Harry joked and Severus laughed. _This felt good, _Snape thought, _too good to be true though. The year will start and he'll forget about me. He'll have his friends… _He was pulled from his thoughts when Harry presented him with a sandwich.

"What? Mr. Potter, how long have I been thinking?"

"Long enough for me to make two sandwiches, grab some fruit, and pour juice for two."

"Ah."

"Professor… are you going to miss this?"

"Miss what? 'This' was unclear"

Harry groaned. "This, us, having calm, nice conversations, enjoying each other's company, making potions and chatting idly about life. Are you doing to miss it?"

"What I think you're asking, Mr. Potter, is if I'm going to miss you. And yes, I will miss having you around. It was more enjoyable than I expected it to be. Unfortunately, in our time together, I still have not figured out why you cut to relieve pain. Care to explain?"

"Not particularly, sir."

"Alright"

They ate the rest of their meal in silence. Neither knowing what to say. The day hadn't been going as planned and simply got worse when McGonagall flooed in through Snape's fire.

"Good afternoon Severus", she said, rounding the corner to his kitchen. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Harry. "Mr. Potter?!"

"Errr… Hi Professor," Harry managed to choke out.

"Minerva," Severus said smoothly in greeting. "Very observant, you've recognized Mr. Potter, something the rest of the magical community can do as well."

"Severus, enough of your sarcasm. Why is Mr. Potter here?" She asked, looking from Snape to Harry.

"He was merely transported here early as a matter of a safety precaution."

Minerva looked at Severus skeptically. "Why didn't I receive word of this? I am his head of house. Not you," she added bitterly.

"If I remember correctly, it was_ my _job to keep watch on Potter."

Minerva huffed. "I came to bring you word from Albus. You are to meet with him in ten minutes. Mr. Potter," she said addressing Harry, "perhaps you should get to your dormitory and wash up. You'll need to be ready for the feast and Professor Snape will be tied up until late tonight," she finished while eyeing Severus angrily.

"Tell Albus I'll be up shortly," Severus snapped. McGonagall turned and disappeared into the fire again.

Snape sighed. "I'm sorry Harry. Looks like this was cut short. I'll see you later. And remember, you have the journal, right?"

"Yes sir. Goodbye," Harry replied sadly and fell into Snape. He wrapped his arms tightly around Harry.

"I'll see you at the feast. Remember, we're acting when not alone." Snape said after they broke apart.

"Yes, sir." Harry said as he left and started making his way to his dormitory.

Severus composed himself and flooed into Albus' office.

"Hello Severus!" Dumbledore greeted cheerfully. Snape grumpily nodded at him. "Oh, have you become fond off Mr. Potter? You seem more irritated to be in my office than usual."

"Why would I become fond of that Gryffindor?" He spat the last word. _Damn this man. He bloody knows I care about Potter and he took my time with him away anyway. Damn him. Those blue eyes are taunting me with their twinkle. At least I can keep an eye on Potter at meals and in potions. _

"Alight have it your way, my boy," he said with a grin and a chuckle. "Just don't forget, I know everything that goes on at this school. The portraits talk, you know." _Lies, lies, lies, bullshit and lies! He's losing his marbles. How can Potter possibly look up to him? Oh. Right. He wasn't a complete asshole._

"Is there something you would actually like to tell me, Headmaster?"

"Oh yes there is! I need you to deliver Wolfsbane to Remus Lupin. He hasn't taken it yet this month and—"

"The full moon is tonight. You want me to risk my neck for your bloody friend. Have you forgotten what he did to me?!"

"Severus, you're going to need to let that go. He's a member of the Order and he too is trying to protect Harry."

With that Snape stalked down to his private supply of potions, grabbed some Wolfsbane and left.

He found Lupin in an Order safe-house, writhing in pain. He flipped him over, pinned his hands to his sides, and poured the Wolfsbane down his throat. _I should wait and make sure he's okay. Not because I care but …. To watch my potion perform exceptionally well. _Snape reasoned with himself. He may be able to admit that he cared about Harry, but he didn't care about this monster in front of him. Well, maybe he did a little…. Since the boy was so close to him.

Remus started relaxing and looked Severus in the eyes. "Thank you… You came just in time—"

"Save it. I have to get back to the feast."

"You really are a good man, Severus"

Snape shook his head and flooed to his chambers. He sighed. _Late. Of course. Keep me from Potter to take care of an idiotic werewolf and make me late to the feast. _While he thought about his dislike of Albus, Severus changed into nicer robes and ran his fingers though his hair to straighten it. He sighed and proceeded to saunter to the feast. Dumbledore was still giving the welcome speech, _but at least all the new little brats had been sorted. _Snape looked at his table. Not too many new Slytherins. He shrugged. _Less responsibility. _Everyone in the Hall was staring at Snape and he inwardly groaned.

"Welcome Professor Snape, so nice of you to join us! He was so kind to make a personal trip to give a werewolf some Wolfsbane! Come join your colleagues." Albus said and winked at Severus as he approached the table. Snape shook his head ever so slightly.

Harry watched as Snape slowly stalked to his place with the other professors. He looked like his old self again. _Maybe acting like I don't care will be easier when he looks as he used to and he's not causally sitting in front of me in a sweatshirt and jeans. I don't want to forget about him but…._

"Harry, what are you staring at?" _Oh god. Leave it to Hermione to notice._

"Nothing. Just trying to figure out where Snape really was."

"He may be a git; but you must call him _Professor _Snape."

"Lay off Hermione, Harry's barely seen you an hour and you're already naggin' 'im," Ron chimed in. Harry smiled at Ron and sheepishly grinned at Hermione.

"Hey guys, I have presents!" Harry presented Ron and Hermione with the things he got them. Both their eye lit up like fireworks when the packing fell away.

"Thanks Harry!" they exclaimed as one.

"No problem, I'm glad you like them." He looked up at Snape again, they made eye contact. Harry tried to question him with his eyes, but Severus shook his head and Harry turned back to his friends.

"So how was your summer?" Hermione asked Harry.

"Oh, you know, the usual." Hermione and Ron know Harry hates the Dursleys, but he never said anything other than they just dislike magic. They nodded in response. "What about you two?"

"I got to go to Romania with Ron! It was brilliant! Absolutely brilliant! I even got to watch a baby dragon nurse from its mum!" Hermione nearly shouted across the table at Harry.

"That sounds amazing!" Harry feigned excitement for his friends benefit. Her excitement and the fact that she and Ron had been together and hadn't even invited him stabbed a chilly dagger through his chest.

"Yeah! The best part was probably when we rode one over the river in the sunset! It was probably a lot like the time you rode Buckbeak! Only cooler and on a scaly beast!"

"Wow! Wish I was there, that sounds phenomenal," He was straining to keep the bite out of his voice but Hermione picked up on it.

"Harry, we would have asked you to come, but with your aunt and uncle, we weren't sure how to."

"It's fine guys," Harry said as he got up from the table. He was considering telling them about how he actually spent his summer but he was going to lose his temper. Ron and Hermione got up to follow him. "Stop, leave me alone," the chill and sharpness in his voice stopped them in their tracks. Harry ran back to his dormitory, not caring about the scene he made storming out of the feast early. He collapsed at the foot of his bed, opened his trunk and began searching for his knife. He found it and started jamming it into himself in various, uncalculated places. He finally stopped when he started swaying and feeling faint. "Scourgify," he whispered and the blood disappeared. Harry climbed into his bed and laid there thinking. _They'll never understand. I thought it would be easier once I got that in my head. Apparently not. I'm already wearing thin and it's only my first night. How am I going to do this? I have to fight the Dark Lord. I have to be a normal kid at the same time. IT'S NOT FAIR. It's not fair. _He sobbed into his pillow.


	13. Chapter 13: The Note

Chapter 13: The Note

Snape left the Great Hall as fast as he could after Harry dashed away. He feared the boy would try to do something extreme. Obviously seeing his friends had been too stressful for him. Severus ran down the stairs to his chambers, ready to grab his journal and write to Potter. An open door distracted him. The door to the guest room was open ever so slightly, he walked in. There was nothing amiss except for a note on the bed. Snape picked it up and gasped.

_Professor Snape,_

_I'm sure you're going to read this soon. You wouldn't miss something like an open door, would you? No. Anyway… You have asked the same question so many times and I finally have an answer for you. _Snape thought for a minute and realized it had to be his answer to- "_Why do you cut?" you ask me nearly every day. I thought I knew the answer. It was plain and simple. I was in control when I hurt myself. And I believed that I deserved the pain. Maybe I don't deserve the pain. I'm not sure, really. I want to be strong like you and keep my emotions in check. The pain is something familiar and it calms me. Like a mother stroking a baby's back. That sort of thing. It's something I know. It's how I've been dealing with the stress of the Dark Lord in my mind, the loss of Sirius, not having a family, friends who don't understand anything, and the entire wizarding world demanding so much of me. I'm sick of being Dumbledore's "Golden Boy" and "The-Boy-Who-Lived" I'm just Harry. I'm scared of what is to come and what people need from me. _

_I got close to you because you saw what happened and I didn't really need to explain. Well not too much. And you actually cared! I never thought anyone would know how to care. You did. You do. The thing is, as much as I want to stop cutting, I don't want to. It's hard to explain. Making my emotional pain physical just helps. It's a release of negative energy. Additionally, I have a sick fascination with watching the blood run down my arms and over my bony figure. The stark red against the moonlit paleness of my body is captivating. _

_What I need more than emotional help is answers. I need to end this fight with Voldemort before it can begin. I don't want anyone else to die for me._

_I have to cut this short, sorry!_

_-Harry_

Severus read it a second time before retrieving his journal.

_Harry, I read your letter, but first: why did you storm out of the Great Hall? _

_-S_

The reply came a few minutes later.

_Ron and Hermione were talking about the great summer they spent together in Romania. _

_-H_

_So? They went on a trip?_

_-S_

_They're probably TOGETHER now. Like dating._

_-H_

_So what if they are? They're still your friends and they want to be there for you/_

_-S_

_Why are you encouraging me to accept this?_

_-H_

_Well, let's face it, you need more friends than a moody potions professor._

_-S_

_Fine. But what about everything else in my letter? Are you happy now that you have your answers? _A drop of blood fell off of Harry's arm onto the page just beneath 'answers'. _SHIT, _Harry thought, _Will that go through?! _He shook his head and continued writing. _I really am trying to get better about the cutting. It's just… well you know…._

_-H_

The reply came immediately.

_Mr. Potter, my office. Now. _

_-S_

Harry set down his journal. _Damn, it did go though. He's pissed. I guess I better go. _He collected some homework in his bag, threw in his journal and stood to go.


	14. Chapter 14: Ron and Hermoine

Chapter 14: Ron and Hermione

After Harry stormed out of the Hall Ron and Hermione followed a few minutes later. He ran up to his dormitory, and they stayed in the common room. Hermione picked one of the red cushy chairs in front of the fire and fell into it. Ron took the other, moved it next to her and sat down. She looked at him

"Ron, I'm worried about Harry. I know he's probably going insane after Sirius, but does he seem more irritable?" she whispered.

"Yeah, he does" Ron replied, shrugging. "Maybe he's just got too much on his plate?"

"Why do you have to relate everything back to food?"

"I'm not it's just a bloody phrase!"

"Alright calm down. We need a plan. Harry is suffering and I can't handle it."

"Well neither can I! I hate seeing my mate storming off."

"I'm so worried about him…" Hermione burst into tears and Ron took her into his arms, holding her close.

"Don't worry, we'll figure this out. How 'bout we talk to him tonight?"

"No, it won't work. His entire life has been confrontation after confrontation. We need a more strategic plan."

"Well you're the smart one."

"Alright, alright, let me think," she said sitting up. Minutes passed while she contemplated and Ron stared idly into the fire. "I've got it!" She said louder than intended, causing Ron to jump.

"Let's hear it."

"Okay, we should take him out to Hogsmeade, buy him a few butterbeers and get him to relax. Then we start, ever so carefully asking him a few questions about how he's doing. Maybe then we can start to figure things out. If that doesn't work, we can always turn to some potion."

"Brilliant, Hermione!"

"Thank you!"

"Remember the ride on the dragon? How you looked so free and fearless?"

"I definitely remember being terrified until I saw the sunset and the reflection of us on the dragon in the water below."

"Yeah, I remember that too," Ron said, moving closer. _This is my chance! I should have done it on the dragon, but I chickened out. It's going to happen!_

Hermione stared into the fire, daydreaming about how free she felt on the dragon. _I was so free there. No school, no homework, no dealing with Harry's mood-swings or Ron's obnoxious… Well just Ron being obnoxious. He's better in small doses. The trip was lovely, though. I'd never pass up an opportunity to see dragon so close. Why didn't Ron ask Harry? I simply didn't think it was my place to say anything. _She glanced up at Ron only to find him centimeters from her face, ready for a kiss. She recoiled and did the only logical thing she could think of. She slapped him. Hard. Ron clasped a hand to his cheek, looking incredibly hurt. "WHAT THE HELL, RON?!"

"I just, I thought… Romania… and us?"

"No Ron, just no," Hermione took off for the girls' dormitory and smacked into Harry. "Oh god, Harry…"

"I saw. I saw him try and I saw you slap. I honestly don't know what to say. I was just on my way out. Goodnight," he cast a glare at Ron for hurting Hermione and left through the portrait hole.

Ron stayed in the chair, looking in the direction Harry ran off, then in the one Hermione disappeared. He was dumbstruck. _What the bloody hell? Who am I kidding? I never had a chance. I never will find anyone to love. _

Hermione curled up in her bed, crying. She didn't know what to think. _Ron's sweet and all, but he can be a real asshole, especially with all his comments about me reading. Who is he to think he can insult me and then tell me he likes me? He can't! _

Luna walked in and saw Hermione in hysterics. She offered her a tissue and sat next to her, rubbing her back. "Why are you crying Hermione?"

"Ron tried to kiss me," She choked through tears. "He tried to kiss me and I slapped him. Why….?"

Luna was silent for many long moments. Hermione figured she had just given up on saying anything when she spoke. "I think he just wants someone to love. He's jealous of Harry. But he wouldn't ever admit it. Of course he gets some of the perks, like being on Dumbledore's good side… Though I think it's hard to get on his bad side… Unless the Nargles are around. Then everyone gets a little irritated. But that's just what they do. Ronald might just want some romance and you're the only girl he was close enough to, to ask. I can see why you wouldn't want to go out with him. He seems kind of rude when you're doing work."

"Thanks Luna, I appreciate your honesty. And your care."

"You're welcome. Oh no! The Nargles are attacking the castle! I should go tell someone! Bye Hermione!" She said and skipped back out of the dorm.

Hermione shook her head. Luna really did care and notice things. She sighed. _I guess I should apologize to Ron. It's not his fault I don't like him back. I probably shouldn't have slapped him so hard, he'll be bruised for a week. _

_Maybe I shouldn't have been so forward with her. And I can be kind of a prick when I tease her. But I'm just teasing! Doesn't she get that? No, probably not. I must seem like rotten dragon shit to her. _Ron's thoughts were interrupted when Hermione walked into the common room again.

"Ron, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have slapped you. I didn't know what else to do."

"So, you might like me? At least a little?"

"I like you as a friend Ron. Please don't ever try to make a move like that again. Alright?"

"Alright Hermione. I'm sorry for kissing you. And… for all the times I've teased you."

"It's okay. Just try to let up. Those insults hurt."

"I will. Now where do you suppose Harry's off to?"


	15. Chapter 15: Almost Caught

**A/N: I'm sorry Ch. 14 wasn't all that great. I was having an awful day and just wanted to make some progress. Everyone has a crappy chapter every now and again. Sorry. I really hope y'all like this one better (I know I do. Actual effort was put into the making of this chapter.)**

Chapter 15: Almost Caught

Ron and Hermione followed Harry, at a distance, down to the dungeons all the way to Snape's chambers. Harry whispered the password. Ron and Hermione looked at each other, wordlessly with terror in their eyes. All of Hermione's anger with Ron evaporated.

Harry stumbled into the library and found it was empty. _Oops, he said office, didn't he? Damn. _Just as he was about to turn around, Snape entered.

"Mr. Potter, does this look like my office?"

"No, sir."

"Good, now that that's out of the way. Arms up, glamours down." Harry reluctantly held his arms out and dropped his glamours. Blood was dripping from his arms and seeping through his clothes in various places. "Strip to your underwear" He hung his head and obeyed his professor. Snape analyzed the wounds. There was no part of the boy's skin that wasn't cut or scarred, save his face. He kept his eyes away from Harry's, he couldn't face him now. Not like this. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he remembered his days when this seemed a viable option to him. He wiped his face with the back of his sleeve and turned to face Potter. "Why?"

"I got overwhelmed again. I… I'm sorry," he said, voice cracking. He fell to his knees, sobbing. Snape walked over and knelt beside him, draping a comforting hand on his shoulders.

"Don't cry, Harry." Harry sobbed harder, rocking into his potions master, Severus wrapped his arms around him, trying to comfort him. Comforting people wasn't exactly his best ability. Once his crying subsided slightly, Snape spoke to him in a soothing voice. "I need you to go wash your cuts, all of them, can you do that for me?" Harry nodded. "Good, go on."

Harry staggered forward toward the bathroom. He reached it, shut the door and turned on the shower. The hot water felt good. He looked down his body, small streams of bloody water cascaded down him. Harry gently rubbed the wounds, trying to get them clean. There was a knock at the door, it opened a crack and Severus set a white towel inside. Harry looked around the bathroom, seeing it for the first time. The floors, walls, and ceiling were made of black marble. As was the counter-top. The toilet was black, as was the bowl of the sink and bathtub. The faucets and handles were white gold and shimmered in the dim lighting. When at last Harry's cuts had stopped bleeding, for the most part, he stepped onto the cool marble floor and grabbed the towel. He dried off then wrapped it around his waist and walked into the library. Snape was patiently waiting for him.

"I've laid out some salves on the dresser in the guest room, your room. They're labeled."

Harry went into his room, closed the door and picked up a vial with purple-ish liquid swirling within. Written on it, in his potion master's scrawl was "II". _Okay, two, I guess I put this one on second. _He smeared the salves on in the proper order, waited for them to dry and retrieved a t-shirt and jeans from the dresser. He put them on and walked into the library once again.

"Sit," Snape commanded, pointing to the chair across from him. Harry did as told. "Tell me. Why. Really why. Not the obvious 'I was overwhelmed'. I want to know why specifically."

Harry inhaled deeply. "It's just that, every time something goes wrong…. A floodgate opens and I think about everything that's wrong. The stuff I wrote in the note. The saving the world shit is getting old, and what it I can't do it? Everyone is putting their faith in me, a boy." His voice cracked and a few tears spilled down his cheeks. Snape leaned forward and handed Harry a tissue. He accepted it.

"Is there any way we could work through some of these problems. They're not all easily solved, and it will take a long time. However, we can try." Harry nodded.

"I'd like that," he said, suddenly exhausted.

"Good, come to my office every Tuesday evening at seven."

"Thank you," Harry said, getting up to leave. Severus stood as well.

"You're welcome. And Mr. Potter?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't forget, I care."

"I won't, professor," Harry said, turning toward the door and putting his glamours back up. "Thanks again," he said and disappeared out the door.

_I hope he's okay. _Severus thought as he watched Potter go.

When Harry stepped into the hall, he heard footsteps. He started to look for a place to hide when he heard a crash in the direction of the footsteps and then a whispered "Ronald!" _They didn't. They wouldn't! _Harry sprinted toward the crash and found Ron beside a shattered vase. Hermione stood behind him.

"Oi, hey Harry," Ron said. Hermione looked at Harry, ashamed.

"What were you doing? Did you follow me?!"

"Now Harry, please don't be mad. We were worried about you and we thought maybe you…" Hermione began.

"We were worried that you might try something stupid—"A deep voice cut Ron off.

"Three Gryffindors in the dungeon after hours. Tell me, Mr. Potter, Weasley, and Miss. Granger, do you enjoy detentions?" Snape said coolly. He studied Harry to make sure he didn't seem too worried or emotionally unstable.

"No, sir" The three said simultaneously.

Potter appeared fine. "Too bad. Ten points each for being out after hours. Fifteen for Mr. Weasley breaking the vase. And Detention, one week. My office, straight after dinner. Now back to your dormitory," Snape said and turned on his heel. The three stood and started walking back to the common room. Once Snape was out of earshot, Ron was the first to speak.

"Greasy git. We just lost forty-five points and we haven't had one potions class."

"This is bloody awful," Harry agreed, enjoying the fact that the topic of conversation was off of him now.

"Harry, we still need to talk," Hermione pressed.

"C'mon, can't it wait until morning? I'm exhausted."

"Yeah, cut Harry some slack, tonight hasn't been particularly great."

"Fine, but Harry, what were you doing in Professor Snape's chambers?" Hermione asked gently.

_Damn, we should have gone to his office. Lie, good lie… good lie… ah! _"He put me to work scrubbing his floors when I arrived here early—"

"I wanted to ask you about that before, why weren't you on the train?" She was really starting to irritate Harry. Ron wasn't saying anything, at least if he got mad, it would be at Hermione.

"The order thought it would be safer for everyone if I didn't go on the train. So they sent Snape to fetch me and when we apparated, I kinda puked on his shoes. And the floor scrubbing was my punishment." Ron laughed at this.

"Seriously, mate? His shoes! I wish we had a picture of his face!" Ron said while laughing. Hermione looked disgusted.

"Absolutely revolting," was her only comment. Harry smiled, Ron still chuckling. _This is nice. I really feel like my old self—sort of. _The anger from earlier died down, now that they were pacified with his lies and were all joking. They had made their way into the common room; there were still students awake, finishing summer homework.

"Well, goodnight guys, classes start tomorrow and I want to be ready!" Hermione said and hugged the other two. Once she disappeared, Harry turned to Ron.

"Why did you try to kiss her?" Ron looked instantly distressed.

"I just thought maybe after the summer in Romania she might have felt the same way I do."

"Ron, think about it. Does it really seem like she has enough time or energy for a relationship?"

"I guess not." Harry clapped Ron on the back.

"There will be other girls, don't worry."

"Thanks Harry," Ron said with a slight smile, he laughed a little.

"What's so funny?"

"Just the thought of you puking on Snape. I think you finally got him back for most of the times he was a prick." Harry laughed and they walked up to their beds. "Night."

"Goodnight, Ron."


	16. Chapter 16 Back to Normal

Chapter 16: Back to "Normal"

Harry woke early, from a nightmare, the next morning, looked at his clocked and sighed. 5:00 am. _What the hell can I do at five a.m.? Nothing. This bed is so uncomfortable. I mean, yeah it's better than the bed at home, but the bed at Snape's was actually like sleeping on a cloud. I guess I can go see if breakfast is open yet. _He pulled on a clean t-shirt, jeans, and his school robes, grabbed his bag and headed out the door.

When he reached the Grand Hall, he was sad to find there was no food, but then remembered the passage way to the kitchen and took that.

"Harry Potter!" Harry sighed. Dobby. He forgot about Dobby, who was now grinning ear to ear. "Harry Potter has come to the kitchen! Dobby is most excited to see Harry Potter."

"Shh, Dobby, I just want some toast and a bit of pumpkin juice. And maybe some tea."

"Yes, Dobby will get Harry Potter what he asks for!" He hurried off to get the things and Harry sagged against the wall, already exhausted. When Dobby returned, he was carrying a try with assorted fruits, toast, jam, jelly, cereal, tea, and pumpkin juice. "The other house-elves tell Dobby Harry Potter is too skinny, and Dobby agrees, sir! Please eat more!" Harry took a pear and apple, stuffing them in his pockets. He drank the tea quickly and picked up the goblet of juice and the toast.

"Thanks Dobby, I really have to run now though," he said, backing out of the kitchen.

"Goodbye Harry Potter! Visit Dobby more often! Dobby likes seeing his friends!" Harry smiled and turned, nearly running down the tunnel. He made it to an abandoned nook of the second floor of the castle before the tears started. _I don't deserve friends like him._ Harry nibbled the toast and sipped the juice. He took a breath and relaxed. _This has to stop, I can't just run out of classes, sad and depressed. Shit, it's Tuesday. I have to meet with Snape tonight. _Harry groaned. _After bloody detention. Ron and Hermione can't see me go back there afterward. Shit. _Harry pulled out the journal Snape gave him and sent him a message.

_Snape-_

_I don't know how I'm going to do the transition between detention and our chat tonight. I have to manage to sneak away from Ron and Hermione. That could take time. She's a smart little witch. And Ron will want to spend time with me. What do you suggest?_

_-Harry_

Ten minutes later he got a reply.

_Harry,_

_First: What the hell are you doing up? Are you okay?_

_Second: If you were a Slytherin this would be so much easier. We're not as nosey. Obviously. _

_Third: I'll allow you to come after they're asleep. Just this once. My sleep is valuable to me. As yours should be to you. _

_-Snape_

He read it twice, letting it sink in that Snape still did care.

_I'm fine. Just had a nightmare, couldn't sleep anymore. No big deal or anything. _

_Thanks._

_-Harry_

Seconds later, a reply came.

_I'm going back to sleep. _

_If you're late to potions, I'm giving you three weeks of detention. You'll scrub floors, and if you ever do puke on my shoes the punishment will be far more severe._

_-S_

Harry laughed, out loud. He couldn't believe Snape had heard his lie. He could hear the smirk on his professor's face through the words. Shaking his head, Harry walked to the library and found and old leather couch to lay on. He was asleep in minutes.

Sunlight was shining in though the curtains. It woke Harry. He groaned and rolled off the couch, jolting himself awake. _Ah, time?! 7:56. Four minutes to get to potions. _Sprinting down the corridor, he avoided the confused first years, and those who didn't care when they got to class. He was greeted by Snape's cool, cocky voice when he tripped and fell through the door of the lab. "So nice of you to join us, Mr. Potter. Just on time. Pity." Harry pulled himself off the ground and walked to his place between Ron and Hermione who were both giving him quizzical looks. The rest of potions went on will little to no interruptions, much to Snape's dismay.

Class ended and Harry joined his friends in the hall.

"Where were you this morning?" Hermione asked.

"I had a nightmare and wanted to find some breakfast. So I snuck into the kitchen around five thirty this morning. What have you two been up to?" He answered grumpily.

"Jeez, calm down, Harry. I know potions is stressful but we didn't do anything to you," Ron stated flatly.

"Harry, it's fine, don't mind him. He's just annoyed that you weren't there to wake him up today." Ron grunted in response.

"Okay well I have to get to transfiguration, what do you guys have?" Harry asked, desperate to get himself out of the spotlight of conversation.

"I've got Herbology and Hermione has—"

"I have Ancient studies! I'm so excited, I love history!" She basically yelled over Ron.

"Well I guess I'll see you guys at lunch. After that I have Apparition and Care of Magical Creatures."

"We too, see you then!" They parted ways.

The rest of the day went by without incident and before they knew it, they had detention with Snape. The three arrived early, afraid tardiness would lead to further punishment. "You're early," he commented as they all tromped in.

"Yes, sir," Harry said, the other nodded.

"Potter, you will be scrubbing cauldrons. Granger, the floor. And Weasley, you will separate spider's legs from their bodies and put them in this," he handed Ron, who looked as though he was going to faint, a glass storage container. "When you've finished your tasks, you're free to go." He walked over to his desk and sat. "Begin."

The three got to work. An hour had passed, Harry and Hermione were making good progress. Ron, however, was shaking and squeaked as he picked up a third spider. "Silence, Weasley! You have 500 more spiders, I suggest you get over your fear." Ron hung his head and continued to work at a slow pace. Feeling each hairy leg between his fingers was pure hell and Snape knew it. Snape was enjoying the show.

Harry finished first and left silently. He retreated to his dormitory to drop his bag, save his journal and a self-inking quill. _Where would they never find me? The library! Perfect! _That's where he headed to bide his time until his meeting with Snape.

Hermione left about twenty minutes after Harry and headed to the common room. She was confused when she couldn't find Harry, but curled up with some homework by the fire.

Snape noticed that Weasley had only managed to pluck the legs off of fifty spiders in the course of two hours. He shook his head, trying to suppress a laugh. Harry would be coming soon, he needed to get the Weasley out of his office. "Weasley," Snape began, "If you find yourself so unfit for the task, just leave and submit a written report to me before classes tomorrow." Ron nodded, jumped up and raced out. He ran past Harry, not noticing him.

Harry knocked on Snape's door. "Enter." He did and sat in the chair opposite Severus. "So, how have these past few days been?"

"Fine, honestly, it's just hard living like everything is the same."

"Any nightmares?"

"Yeah, but it was just a mild one that didn't really bother me much."

Snape gasped and grabbed his arm, his dark mark was burning him. "I'm sorry, I have to go. He's angry." He apparated, leaving Harry alone.


	17. Chapter 17: Clues

Chapter 17: Clues

It had been two weeks since Harry had seen Snape. He was worried sick. His friends were worried he'd stopped eating, stopped trying in potions (he was only still passing because McGonagall was the sub and gave him bonus points to keep his marks passing) and he didn't sleep.

Late that night in the common room, when Harry hadn't been seen since dinner, Ron and Hermione sat talking.

"I'm worried about him, Ron. Not eating not sleeping. Just so suddenly. He's not even trying to hide that he isn't eating. He… It's a cry for help. He needs us."

"Is there something you could be missing?" Ron whispered. He usually didn't question, but his friend was in trouble."

"I'm working on it. We'll talk more in the morning. It looks like he isn't coming back tonight and we haven't been able to find him before. I have a history exam tomorrow, goodnight." Ron nodded in response. He didn't care that she wasn't going to look for Harry. He got up and left, wandering the corridors. Little did he know that Harry was just around the corner, waiting for him to leave. Harry went the opposite direction of Ron and headed for the library.

When he got there, he pulled out his knife and slit his arms, his ribs, his hips, and his ankles, deep. It had been like this since Snape left. He'd cut deep enough to not pass out, but loose enough blood to be weak for the night. Tonight he stopped early and curled up with the journal from Snape. He wrote about his day, as he had done for the past weeks. Harry conveniently left out the parts about not eating, sleeping, or working on school. He thought it unimportant and just wanted to relax, not get yelled at, not like he'd gotten a reply anyway. _Like Voldemort would ever allow his "most trusted spy" to have a journal and talk with me…. Actually Snape didn't bring it…. _A loud echo distracted him. It sounded as though the front doors of the castle just slammed shut. He went to investigate. There, in the middle of the entry hall, was Snape laying on the ground, blood pooling around him. Harry ran over.

"Professor?" he whispered. No answer. "Professor?!" he tried a bit louder. Still no response. _Shit. Shit. Shit. He needs help. I have to take him to the hospital wing. _Harry picked Severus up as though he was going to give him a piggy-back ride. Blood stained Harry's clothes, both his and Snape's. Al least I have an excuse for the blood. Harry staggered to the hospital wing, Snape and the loss of blood making travel difficult. He'd never actually walked after one of his cutting escapades. When they arrived Harry set his potions master on a bed and knocked on Madame Pomfrey's office door. She sleepily answered a minute later.

"Mr. Potter?" She questioned and straightened as she noticed the blood. "What happened?"

"It's Professor Snape. He was with the Dark Lord and I found him in the entry way in a puddle of his own blood and—" Before he could finish, the medi-witch was racing to Snape's bed. She magically stripped him down to his boxers. He started shivering. His body was a bloody mess, lies crisscrossing, bloody gushing from the wounds. Harry turned to leave, embarrassed and sick to see his professor like this.

"Where do you think you're going? I need assistance!" Harry walked to her side.

"What can I do?"

"Hold him still and rub this on the wound." Harry had spent so much time trying to not look at Snape, he hadn't noticed the extent of the damage. There was a deep rip in the skin by his collarbone, revealing bone. A hole near his chest and lung bled angrily. The rest of the cuts were deep but these were the worst.

"Which one?" Harry asked, trying to stay upright and not vomit. The stench of rotting flesh permeated the room.

"All of them. The one by his chest first. Then the one above it. He's bleeding internally and it's filling the lungs. I don't know if…" Harry did as told, tears in his eyes. He couldn't lose Snape. Not now. He desired his professor heal faster, felt it with his entire being. And the most peculiar thing happened. Snape's lungs started draining. His wounds began healing and as soon as his lungs were void of all but air, Harry collapsed. Madame Pomfrey stared, shocked at what she was witnessing. She came to her senses just before Harry hit the floor. She caught him with magic and laid him on a bed. "Amazing," she breathed and continued working on Snape.

Morning came and neither Harry nor Snape had woken.

Ron and Hermione were heading to breakfast when Ron decided to tell Hermione what happened last night. "Hermione, last night I went out and looked around for Harry." She huffed, he had ignored her instructions. "Wait. I heard the front doors of the castle slam, so I ran toward them. I thought maybe Harry was leaving. But what I found was worse. Snape was laying in a pool of his own blood and Harry was HELPING HIM. He picked him up on his back and took him to the hospital wing. I waited all night for him to come out but he didn't." Hermione gasped and grabbed his hand, dragging him with her as she broke into a sprint.

They arrived at the Hospital Wing and tried to open the doors.

"Locked," Ron announced and Hermione cast an irritated glare in his direction. She tried to unlock it was magic, but it resisted. "Did you really think it was going to be that easy?" He asked.

"No, but I was hoping we would get in… We have class. Let's just go." They arrived on time for potions and saw that both Harry and Snape were absent. McGonagall ignored their pleading stares. At the end of class they walked up to her.

"Professor, do you know what happened to Professor Snape and Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Miss. Granger. Professor Snape's location is quite frankly none of your business and Mr. Potter is fine. Get to class." She said briskly and left in a very Snape-like manner. Ron and Hermione looked at each other, confused.


	18. Chapter 18: Protection and Detention

Chapter 18: Protection and Detention

Ron and Hermione didn't go to their next class. They headed to the hospital wing. The door was open, just a crack and they heard voices.

"…in the dark, Albus. He's their friend," McGonagall said quietly.

"We still don't know what happened, what would we tell them?" Dumbledore whispered back. "Poppy?"

"I haven't any clue. It was just as I told you, Albus, magic flowed from Potter and Severus's lungs drained and healed. The worst of his injuries fixed as though they were nothing."

"Was he touching Severus, Poppy?"

"Yes, he has his hand on Severus's chest. But that's all, I've never seen anything like it."

"Albus," Minerva cut in, "you two have been at this for hours. It's going in circles. Mr. Potter's friends are worried. We can't keep telling them nothing forever."

Ron shook his head and burst through the door. There was a black curtain drawn across the middle of the hospital, blocking his view from any occupied beds. Harry had to be there. Dumbledore, McGonagall and Madame Pomfrey were standing in a small circle but jumped apart as he began yelling "And how long were you going to keep this from us? We're basically Harry's family! Bloody hell, you think-"

"RONALD!" Hermione shouted from behind him. Calm down before you get us expelled."

"Mr. Weasley, Miss. Granger. Ten points from Gryffindor, each," McGonagall said stiffly. "You are missing class, and you are somewhere you shouldn't be! More points should be deducted, but since you are in my house, you will simply serve two weeks of detention. Be on your way."

"But Professor," Hermione whimpered though tears. "We're just worried about Harry. He disappeared and he hadn't been doing well. And Professor Snape was gone—"

"Yeah, Snape could have taken him to the Dark Lord!" Ron yelled, sick of the bullshit.

"Mr. Weasley!" Minerva whispered fiercely.

"Minerva, he's just worried about his friend," Dumbledore said, looking her in the eyes. "However," He said, turning to Ron. "_Professor_ Snape is a trusted member of the order and one of _your _professors. You need to show him respect. You'll serve detention for a month, after the ones with your head of house, of course. One week of the month will be with Filch. One week with Hagrid. One with Minerva. And the last with me. Do you understand?" Ron nodded, his face tomato red.

"Yes sir. I understand. I'm sorry."

"Do not be sorry to me, be sorry to Professor Snape. You will apologize to him as well. It seems as though you still have half of a class to attend. Go." Ron and Hermione left without argument, but they still neglected to go to class. They stopped in the Library and went behind a shelf.

"Ron, do you know what this means?"

"Yeah, Harry saved the greasy git."

"Well, yes. But it makes sense. He was upset when Snape was gone, and as soon as he comes back, Harry—"

"Is in the bloody hospital wing!"

"Shut up! He could have just been being nice. You know how much he hates to see people suffer—"

"It was Snape! Bloody hell, Hermione. No one likes that jerk."

"Harry cared enough to save his life."

"Yeah, with magic," Ron remarked grumpily.

"Yes! Do you realize what this means!? Harry cares about Snape!" Hermione exclaimed.

"And what does this do for us? Nothing! What the hell does it mean?"

"It means that now we know what's going on in Harry's head. Sort of."

"Why didn't he tell us…?"

"Ron, have you noticed that he hasn't really seemed to care about us at all this year?"

"Yeah, but…"

"He's been drifting away from us this year. Something must have happened and Snape had something to do with it."

"What are you two doing here?!" They turned around to face a very pissed off McGonagall.

"Shit," they said in unison.

Harry woke with a start. The hospital wing was bathed in midnight black, he couldn't see a thing. He fumbled around until he located his glasses and wand. "Lumos" As he shined the light from his wand around the room, he found what he was looking for. Snape. He was laying peacefully in the bed across from Harry, it appeared as though he was in the same position as he was when Harry left him. "Snape?" he whispered. Getting no reply, he shifted to the end of his bed and tried to stand. He blacked out and collapsed to the floor. Madame Pomfrey ran to his aid, but he was already out and sprawled across the floor.

"Oh Mr. Potter," she mumbled as she pulled him from the floor and put him back in the bed, covering him as she did so. "What are we to do with you?" She removed his glasses and took his wand, placing them on the table beside his bed. She fire-called Dumbledore, he told her to inform him if anything changed. He appeared in moments, the lights flickered on, dimly.

"What's happened? It all looks the same," he asked quietly, afraid of disturbing the patients.

"Mr. Potter woke, and I was alerted by the alarms that one of them was moving. When I arrived, Mr. Potter was whispering 'Snape?' and he collapsed. I think he might just be sleeping now. His levels appear fine," she said, gesturing to a hovering quill and roll of parchment that was documenting Harry's vitals. She snapped and it disappeared.

"Perhaps—" Dumbledore began but was quickly cut off by Harry's scream. He thrashed in his bed.

"NO! PLEASE! STOP! I'LL DO ANYTHING. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. SNAPE! SNAPE WHERE ARE YOU?! SNAAAAAAAPEEE!" As if on cue Severus jumped from his bed, grimacing at the pain shooting through his body. He ran to Harry's bed and started whispering to him, soothingly, gently. Snape ran his hands through Harry's hair, stroking it lovingly. Harry calmed, woke and hugged Snape, and collapsed again. Albus and Poppy stared at Severus, stunned. Snape cleared his throat and limped back to his bed.

"Severus?" Albus asked cautiously.

"Yes, Headmaster?"

"What was that?"

"If you don't mind I'd rather sleep. I'm in a lot of pain, the Dark Lord was displeased with my lack of information. You haven't made me aware of what to tell him. Thanks for this" Snape snarkily said, gesturing to his mutilated body.

"Severus, do you know why you're alive right now?"

"Poppy is quite efficient, thank you," he nodded his gratitude in her direction.

"I didn't do it. He did!" She said pointing to Harry's sleeping form.

"What!? HOW?!" Snape exploded. _Potter shouldn't have been awake. He shouldn't have been out of bed. Or wandering the halls. I should be dead. He saved me. But how?_

"It's unlike magic anyone has ever seen, Severus. That boy must love you," Dumbledore said awestruck.

"I have been a medi-witch nearly my whole life and have never, ever seen anything like that," Poppy added.

"What did he DO?!" Severus yelled and Harry stirred.

"Poppy, share the memory. I have a portable pensive, Severus can watch from here," Dumbledore said, reaching in his cloak and pulling out a disc shaped object. Poppy gave him the memory and Severus was sucked in, with the other two.

_He saw himself laying on the hospital bed, in his boxers, bloody, battered, and dying. _Snape shuddered-_Potter saw this ugh.-_And turned his attention back to what was happening. _Potter came up beside him and was trying to put pressure on the wounds and do as Madame Pomfrey said when he pressed his hand to Severus's chest and a blue light shone from the connection. It bathed the room an aqua blue colour. Severus started breathing close to normally again and Potter collapsed. Poppy caught him and the memory ended. And the Hospital Wing materialized around them again._

"Have you ever—"

"No." Snape cut Dumbledore off sharply.

"I'm worried about him, Severus. He doesn't seem to be himself."

"What, always wanting to be the hero? Doesn't sound like Potter? Where is your head Albus?"

"You can't be serious, you know how much he cares about you," he gestured to the sleeping boy. "He called for you when he was having a nightmare!"

"Of course he did! I bloody well saved him from that damn uncle of his!"

"What?!" Poppy blurted. _SHIT! NOT NOW_, Snape thought.

"Harry was abused by the Dursleys," Albus said shamefully.

"Oh no! I should run tests and—"

"I've taken care of it," Severus snapped.

"He has," Albus agreed.

Snape went back to his bed, turned over and fell asleep.


	19. Chapter 19: Healing

Chapter 19: Healing

Ron and Hermione spent the next two weeks in detention, with no word about Harry or his condition. They usually wrote lines, or organized supplies for McGonagall's classes. The last day they both served detention Hermione looked more distracted than usual.

"What's wrong, Hermione? We get to leave as soon as we're done so let's hurry along," Ron said impatiently. She sighed, knowing he was right and continued to separate feathers from quills. "Seriously, what's eatin' at you?"

"It's nothing. I'm just trying to figure out what Harry would want with Snape. What could he have possibly done to win Harry over?"

"Give it up. We're not going to learn anything now, not with Harry 'doing fine' but in the Hospital Wing," Ron snapped.

"How can you say that?! He's your friend too!"

"Because I don't want to think about it! If we can't visit him it's serious. He hasn't been the same since Sirius died. Why do you think we can't visit him?!"

"It could have something to do with the fact that he somehow managed to perform magic no one ever has before!"

"Would this have been the first time?!" Ron shouted.

Hermione stayed silent, finishing her part of the organizing, she stood and left Ron alone.

Harry woke again, he looked up to see a dark figure looming over him and recoiled. "Mr. Potter, I'm not going to hurt you. Regardless of what you might be thinking." Harry sighed and visibly relaxed. _Good, it's Snape. _"You scared me." Harry tried to speak but only managed to make a choking sound. "Here," Severus said handing Harry a cup of water. He drank it thirstily and instantly regretted it. "You're going to make yourself sick. And as much as I ever so enjoy seeing you struggle, I prefer your dramatics don't end up ruining my shoes," he added sarcastically and Harry suppressed a smile. Harry coughed and Snape maneuvered a bucket in front of him. He shook his head as Harry retched. "Mr. Potter. Learn. Scourgify." Snape sat down again and handed Potter another cup, as he reached out to take it Severus pulled back "Slowly." Harry nodded and took the cup, taking a small sip. It felt beautiful but he knew better than to rush it. "Madame Pomfrey knows of your situation now." Harry looked at him with wide eyes. "Your _home _situation." He relaxed. "I told her I took care of it. She's not here now. We can talk if you'd like. Missed quite a few of our meetings, did we not?" Harry nodded.

"Professor," he croaked, "I haven't really eaten since you left. And well… I—" Before the rest of the sentence was out of Harry's mouth, Snape was quickly striding to a cabinet and pulling out a vial. He returned to Harry and handed it to him.

"Drink" He did.

"Nutrition potion?" Snape nodded. "Right. Thanks." His voice was returning.

"Arms?" Harry removed his glamours and held them out. Snape had to resist shying away or cringing. Harry's arms were covered with partially healed cuts and scars. They looked just old enough to have happened while Severus was gone. "Why?"

"You were gone. I didn't know what to do. I panicked." Tears slid down his face and he tried to compose himself. For the first time in a while he studied Snape. Truly studied him. His hair was untidy, falling across his face and sticking up in odd places, he appeared as though he'd been wearing the same hospital gown for the past… _How long have I been here? _Snape looked old, Harry noticed the wrinkles in his face, the way the permanent glower showed. But there were laugh lines, though very faint. Before Harry could study him longer through tears, Snape pulled him into a hug. Harry pressed against him, smearing his tears into Snape's gown.

"I was worried about you. I saw what you did when I was dying." Harry pushed closer, not wanting to talk about anything. "How did you do it?" Harry sighed and Snape let him go, he sat back.

"I just really wanted you to heal, with my entire being. And well, the combination of my bleeding cuts, lack of food, and lack of sleep make me unable to fully heal you. It's what I used to do at the Dursleys but eventually I lost the will to live and save myself. You mattered more. You still do."

"Harry, nothing matters more than your life."

Harry shook his head, "you're the first person to care. I mean actually care. I couldn't tell Ron and Hermione. I know I've told you this before. I just. I can't live without you and the thought of you being gone made me want to die with you. So I would either save you or die trying. My body gave out before I could fully help you."

Severus was trying to not cry, but failing. "Harry, I cannot be your reason to live. I won't be here forever. If it weren't for you I wouldn't be here today." Harry shook his head and lay back on his bed. Snape rest a hand on his shoulder. "You need to stay here for a few more days so we can be certain you will recover. You used all the magic in your system. It's nearly replenished. You should be alright."

"Professor, how long has it been since… How long have I been here?"

"It's October."

"What?! A month?!"

"Not entirely, it's early, the second."

"Oh. How long have you stayed since you… woke up?"

"Poppy is forcing me to stay even though I have proved to be fully recovered."

"Oh… When do I go back to class?"

"I told you, in a few days. You're to be released Sunday."

"…What day is it?"

"Tuesday. Just in time for us to have our chat. She's not back yet. Talk."

"Did you read the journals?"

"Yes, and they were simply full of you going on and on about missing me. A full two weeks of it. You've already admitted not eating, and by the looks of it, cutting, and not sleeping."

"How did you know I didn't sleep?!"

"You just told me." Harry groaned. _That was such a Snape thing to do. _

"That's really it. Oh and I'm nearly failing potions."

"Is that news?" Snape remarked sarcastically. He knew that Potter had been doing well over the summer.

_Back to this already? _Harry thought. "No, I… well yeah, I did well over the summer but with you gone, potions seemed stupid."

"Mr. Potter, potions are never stupid. Get some rest," he said and pointedly looked over to the door. Harry followed his gaze. Madame Pomfrey returned. Snape walked back to his bed as Harry turned over and fell asleep.

When Harry woke again it was dark. He tried to get out of bed but was stopped by a very tired looking Madame Pomfrey. "What do you think you're doing?!"

"I err… am hungry?" He said, confused. Harry wasn't entirely sure where he planned on going other than not staying in the hospital bed.

"I can bring you food."

"Please, I just want to walk around a bit!"

"Alright fine" Harry stood on shaky legs. He took a few, extremely tiring steps and sat on the floor. Madame Pomfrey came over to him. "Are you okay?"

"Just a bit tired," Harry replied, trying to relax. He was panicking, afraid of his inability to move and function well.

"You're fine. This is why you can't go until Sunday. From now on, you're going to get an altered version of Skel-grow. It strengthens your muscles and bones," she said, pulling a vial from her pocket. Harry took it when she offered and drank it. He shook his head at the awful taste and she smirked.  
"I know, I know, 'what did I expect, pumpkin juice?'" Harry said, laughing slightly. She smiled and helped him back to bed.


	20. Chapter 20: Home Life Revealed

Chapter 20: Home Life Revealed

Sunday couldn't have come more slowly, but it did, eventually arrive.

"Good morning. Mr. Potter," Snape said coolly as Harry sat up.

"Already back to this?" Harry accused.

"Yes." He replied, smirking as he held up his journal. Harry nodded. _I have to go back to just writing him notes and meeting him in "detention", _Harry thought. Snape disappeared from the hospital wing in a flurry of black robes. _I miss him already. _Harry moaned as he stood and walked across the room to Snape's old bed. There was a note on it.

_Potter,_

_Detention. Tuesday, 7pm._

_-S_

_Thank Merlin. I need this. I look forward to it more than I should, I know, _Harry thought.

_Thank you_

_-H_

Harry made his way back to his dormitory and was met by a bunch of treats and flowers. There were a few cards from various friends wishing him well. _Apparently they couldn't send them to the hospital wing_. Ron walked in behind Harry and hugged him. "I missed you! What happened?! Hermione was panicking…" He added.

"I just came across Snape and it looked like he could use the help. No big deal really."

"Bloody hell, mate! You were in the hospital for weeks and visitors weren't allowed. Do you really think I'm going to believe this bull?"

"Fine, I did some unexplainable magic."

"But why to save him?! That greasy bastard! Why do you care what happens to him?"

"You wouldn't understand," Harry said pushing past him and grabbing some clothes. _He ignored the fact that Ron wasn't supposed to know he did magic that no one had done before. And he REALLY shouldn't have known it was to save Snape. Ron still hated him… He'd never get it._

"Try me!" Ron shouted as Harry pulled on a pair of jeans. He shook his head as he put a shirt on and walked out the door. Ron followed.

Harry sighed inwardly. _I really don't want to try to explain this now. But I might have to. I'll tell them about the Dursleys… and what they did. And that Snape saved me from that. Nothing about the cutting. Or that Snape actually took care of me. They could think my summer was hellish. _He reasoned with himself as he walked down into the common room. Hermione slammed into him, wrapping her arms around his neck.

"Harry! Harry are you okay?! I was so worried, I missed you!"

"Geez Hermione, let Harry breathe, you're suffocating him."

"Oh, sorry, Harry," She said as she let go.

"Its fine," Harry shrugged it off. It felt nice to be wanted, loved and missed. "I need to talk to you about something, but not here." Ron and Hermione shared a glance before nodding to him. He began walking to the girls' bathroom that held the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets. _No one would be there anyway. _

Once they arrived, Harry sighed and the other two looked at him expectantly. He took a deep breath and began. "Please don't interrupt me and I'll only say this once. I don't want to answer questions but if you have any, I'll try to answer at the end. Is that clear?" They nodded. "Good. Alright. Well, I was abused." _There. I said it. Out in the goddamn open. _Hermione stifled a cry while Ron's jaw dropped. "I don't know why this is so shocking, you knew I hated it at home. They hated me for being a wizard, hell, they hate magic. I'm keeping this short, sparing you the details. But basically I was beaten multiple times a day. Vernon. He did it." Harry kept his voice as steady as he could manage. _Why was it easier to tell Snape? _"Sometimes he used his belt. Others, his fist. Snape was put on "Potter Watch" I guess you could call it. He found my uncle beating me and stepped in. He made the pain stop and took me back to the castle to stay here until summer was over. I didn't know how to tell you guys. And I'm sorry. It's just not something easily admitted. I knew it wasn't normal, they didn't do it to Dudley. But I felt like maybe I deserved it. I know that sounds stupid, but it's how I felt. I think I was able to save Snape with the magic because he saved and protected me. Anyway. You got what you wanted. I hope it was worth the trouble of waiting." He concluded fierily.

"Oh, Harry!" Hermione cried. Tears were running down her face and matting her hair. She tried to come closer to him, but he shied away. Ron just sat there, mouth open, stunned.

"Please don't treat me differently."

"How didn't I notice? How didn't I see the signs? Bruises? Marks? Where are those?"

"Glamours," Harry said flatly.

"I still should have noticed how you flinched when people came close…" She said, thinking back to all the times someone moved quickly around him. There was always a slight flinch.

"It's fine. Don't be too hard on yourself. I didn't want you to know anyway."

"I…I'm sorry Harry. I should have gotten you with the car and never made you go back," Ron said, almost in a trance.

"Guys I told you, its fine. It's over. Snape got me out! I need to go to dinner, if I'm not there people will get suspicious. Come on"

The walk to the dining hall was silent except for their footsteps. None of the three knew what to say to each other. They ate in silence. When they finished, Ron stood immediately. Harry looked at him quizzically.

"I have detention. I… there… We…."

"What Ron is trying to say is we broke into the hospital wing when they wouldn't let us see you and he went off about Snape to Dumbledore. The result was a month of detention." Harry looked shocked at Hermione's tale.

"Yeah; this week's with Filch."

"That's terrible, Ron!" Harry said in an effort to break the tension. Ron nodded and headed off. Hermione stayed silent. She was still reprimanding herself for missing the clues and not helping Harry faster. "Hermione," Harry began quietly, "Stop harping on yourself for this. It's fine. Just leave it alone. I'm heading to bed early. I'm still exhausted." She nodded.

Once Harry returned to his room, he pulled out his journal.

_S-_

_I told them. About my __**home **__problems. And that you got me out of there. I didn't say anything about what I do…. Or how important to me you are. I just wanted to let you know._

_-H_

He set the journal down and started on the mountain of work he'd missed while in the hospital wing. Without the distractions from Ron and Hermione's "helpful hints" he finished all the work in four hours and fell asleep.


	21. Chapter 21: Detention

**A/N: This chapter is mainly dialogue. I'm sorry, it had to be done. The next one will be up shortly. **

Chapter 21: "Detention"

Harry woke early the next morning and checked the notebook.

_H-_

_Sorry, I didn't get your message until late, I had a lot of grading to do. Do you want to talk?_

_-S_

Harry sighed and grabbed his knife. He drew a line down his arm, blood dripped off. _Damn, I can't even deal with disappointment like this. _

_S-_

_Nah, its fine. _Blood drip

_-H_

The response came immediately.

_POTTER! MY OFFICE NOW!_

_-S._

He didn't go to Snape's office, instead he headed to breakfast alone. As he spooned some cereal into his mouth, someone dropped in beside him.

"Potter." _Ugh, Malfoy. What the hell does he want? _"Word on the street is, you've been in the hospital wing."

"And?"

"And so has Snape. What did you do to him?"

"Nothing."

"I don't think it's a coincidence. I'm not an idiot, Potter."

"How 'bout you leave me the fuck alone, Malfoy!"

"Potter!" A silky, low voice replaced Draco's. "Detention. Tuesday." Malfoy smirked and stalked off. "Do. Not. Be. Late."

"Yes, sir," Harry replied glumly.

The rest of the day went by with little incident. As did the following day.

Before Harry knew it, it was Tuesday 6:54pm. He was sprinting to the dungeons, trying to not be late. He arrived and found Snape sitting at his desk, feet crossed atop it. "You're early, Mr. Potter," he said uncrossing his feet and standing.

"Yes, sir."

"Please, have a seat." Harry did as told. "How are you doing?"

"I've been alright. Ron and Hermione have basically ignored me for the past two days. I guess they don't care—that's a lie. They care too much. I want them to drop it."

"Harry, you have to understand, they need some time to accept what you told them," Snape replied calmly.

"Why?! It's not like it happened to them! They didn't do anything! Its fine," Harry yelled.

"They feel guilty because they couldn't be there for you!" Harry stayed silent. "How would you feel if one of your friends told you something like that? How would you respond?"

"Probably how they are right now."

"Exactly." Harry sighed.

"Break is coming is coming up soon, right?"

"Yes, where are you going with this?"

"Well, Ron and Hermione might be going home and I was wondering if…."

"If?"

"If I could stay with you again," Harry tensed and looked down, expecting a negative response.

"Sure. You're welcome to, if Dumbledore allows it. I'll chat with him about it." Harry shuddered, he hated the thought of Snape asking Dumbledore about his personal matters.

"Have you told him yet?"

"About?"

"My cuts?"

"No, I haven't. I understand what it's like to know something and not want him, or anyone, to find out. Have you done it recently?"

"Err…"

"Show me."

"They're on my hips." Snape raised an eyebrow and Harry stood and pulled the edge of the waistband of his jeans down ever so slightly. Just enough for Snape to see some long gashes.

"Why?"

"I haven't really had anyone to talk to and… It's comforting."

"You can always talk to me."

"I know but I should be able to deal with my life on my own."

"No one can go through life entirely on their own."

"Didn't you?"

"Not entirely. I had a bit of help… but I didn't exactly turn out well, did I?"

"No, but…."

"Harry you can talk to me whenever you want. We have the journals, you can come to my office…"

"I know but it's not that… I know you can't always talk to me. You have school and papers to grade… remember?"

"Yes, but I don't want you to think that cutting really is your only option." Harry sighed.

"You're right. I know it's not my only option, but we've been over this. It comforts me. Dealing with people is too stressful. All these people. I can't deal with them this much."

"I understand your desire to be alone."

"Professor, if you don't mind, I'd just like to work on some homework… but can I stay here with you?"

"Fine. I'm working on a potion." Snape turned and walked into his lab where he stirred a cauldron once clockwise and once counterclockwise. He came back in his office and sat down with a book.

"Thanks," Harry said when he returned. He pulled his potions book from his bag along with a roll of parchment and began an essay on Wolfsbane and its properties. The hours flew by and before he knew it, Snape was shaking his shoulders.

"Potter, you fell asleep!"

"Muuugggrrrrnuh?"

"You have to go back to your dormitory, it's past curfew. Hurry." Harry stood, nodded, and grabbed his things. He burst through the door and sprinted through the school until he reached the Gryffindor common room. As he stepped in, Ron and Hermione greeted him.

"Harry! Where've you been?" Leave it to Hermione to being the questioning.

"I thought I told you, I had detention with Snape."

"Oh, sorry mate," Ron said.

"You were with Filch, weren't you?"

"Yeah."

"What'd you have to do?"

"Err, clean bathrooms"

"That sucks."

"It was bloody terrible!"

"I'm sorry, I'm exhausted after mine with Snape. The git made me clean all the cauldrons. Twice! As it that wasn't bad enough, I had to separate worms for his second years."

"Eesh, Harry, go get some rest," Hermione coaxed.

"Yeah, we'll see you tomorrow. We're working on that essay for potions. Have you done any of it?"

"Yeah I'm done," Harry said as he left the room and walked to his bed. He stowed his journal beneath his pillow and fell into a deep sleep.


	22. Chapter 22: Hangover

Chapter 22: Hangover

The weeks had flown by and it was already time for midterms. Hermione was going crazy. She was quizzing herself at all hours of the night and day, absentmindedly writing reminders about what sorts of ingredients should never be mixed in potions in the air with her wand. So much of her time was spent in the library, Ron and Harry were shocked she hadn't conjured a cot to sleep in.

The three were close again, as they were before this year began. It was almost like old times, but now Harry spent more time on his own and got far more detentions than ever. Hermione nagged him that his marks would fall from so many of them, but he didn't care since most of them weren't going on his record anyway.

It was the Sunday before the first exam day. Severus was relaxing in his library, sipping some firewhiskey, when Dumbledore flooed in. Snape rolled his eyes, set his firewhiskey on the table, and stood to greet the man.

"Headmaster. To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Oh Severus, always so formal with your greetings. Relax, dear boy! It's nearly Christmas! Oh how I'd love to get a pair of wool socks, wouldn't you?"

"No. Why are you here?"

"Oh right," Albus turned serious. "I have a theory as to how Voldemort continues returning."

"Really? Enlighten me."

"This is not the time to be difficult Severus. I think he has managed to create Horcruxes."

"If you are lying to me old man—"

"I am not!" He snapped.

"This is worse than we ever imagined."

"That isn't the worst part"

"Then what is?"

"Harry is the Horcrux he never meant to make." Snape staggered backwards and fell against his bookshelf. He slid to the floor. Albus rushed to his side.

"No," he muttered under his breath.

"Do you think we should tell the boy?"

"Are you insane?! No! We can't tell him! Not yet."

"Severus…"

"I know he has the right to know. And yes, it's wrong to keep it from him, but he can't handle it now. He's finally getting back to life. Living it normally. You could destroy him if you tell him now."

"There is good news"

"Is there?"

"Yes. I've succeeded in destroying all but one of the Horcruxes. Well two if you include Harry."

"Don't. Talk. About. Potter. Like. That."

"What ever do you mean, Severus?" Dumbledore asked calmly.

"As though he's just another piece of your game. This isn't a game. He is just a boy with a life!"

"Don't tell me you've become attached. We knew this was possible."

"WE?! No, you knew and didn't bloody tell me!"

"It must have slipped my mind."

Snape stalked angrily around his library. "Is there anyway the Dark Lord can trace your destroying of his Horcruxes?"

"No, I destroyed them in different places across the globe. He'll have a hard time tracing them back to anyone." Snape sighed. "We have to tell him, Severus."

"I'm telling you, we shouldn't."

"I'll take that into account" Dumbledore said calmly as ever and disappeared again though the fire.

Snape flopped into his chair. Exhausted and drained form what he just heard, he grabbed his glass and tipped his head back, draining the liquid down his throat. It burned, but it felt good. It tried to break the ice that was making its way from Snape's core to his skin. It failed. Severus stood and poured himself another glass, and another, until the bottle was empty and he was passed-out on the Library floor.

Harry woke early Monday morning and headed to breakfast. His first midterm was potions and he was ready. When he glanced up at the teachers' table, he couldn't see Snape. Either he was skipping breakfast or was wearing an invisibility cloak. The bell tolled when it was time for the first midterm to begin and Snape was still nowhere to be found. Harry was getting worried. After fifteen minutes of his absence, Dumbledore strolled in.

"It appears as though Professor Snape has some other matters to attend to this morning so I will be administering your potions exam. First, the brewing portion. Today you will be creating a Dreamless Sleep Potion but substituting one of the ingredients. Your professor didn't leave any further instructions. Get to it then!" Albus said cheerfully. The students rushed about, grabbing one thing or another. Harry did it all methodically. He had no clue what he was doing, but before he knew it he was raising his hand for Dumbledore to come check his potion. "Well done, Harry! And you even finished before Miss. Granger!" Hermione huffed and stomped her foot, hand high in the air. "Yes, yes, I'm coming! Mr. Potter, you may begin on the written section. When you have finished, leave it on the desk in front and you are dismissed." Harry nodded and took the paper Dumbledore was holding toward him. He smiled at how easy the questions were and had it completed in no time. He left the paper on Snape's desk and walked to Snape's chambers. He knew it was risky, but he had to try.

"Serpent's Scale," he whispered to the portrait, it swung open and Harry slipped inside. It closed behind him. He walked forward and nearly tripped over Snape, sprawled on the floor covered in his own vomit. "Professor?" Harry asked the lifeless-looking Snape. No reply. Harry looked around and found the empty bottle of firewhiskey. _I wonder what got him so upset that he resorted to this… _"Scourgify" Harry whispered. _It will probably make for a happier Snape if he wakes up relatively clean. _He pulled him up onto the couch and tried to wake him. It didn't work. Harry went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass of water and a wet rag. He pressed the rag to Snape's forehead and kept the glass nearby.

"What the fuck?" Snape snarled though gritted teeth and pushed harry back.

"Nice to see you awake, Professor."

"Potter! Must you be so incessantly loud?!"

"Sorry, sir," Harry whispered and handed him the glass of water. Snape took a sip and looked at Harry.

"How did you get in?" His eyes opened wider. "What time is it?!"

"Ten thirty. You kinda… Slept through my potions midterm. Don't worry, Dumbledore took over, but I figure he'll be here soon and I was worried so I came to check on you and…" Harry continued babbling for another few minutes before Snape stopped him.

"Thank you. You should probably go now that the Headmaster is on his way. I'm sorry you had to see me like this."

"Don't worry, Professor, Ron has come back far worse."

Snape shook his head and instantly regretted it, Harry left without another word. Dumbledore had impeccable timing and was flooing in moments after Harry left through the portrait.

"Good morning Severus!" Albus boomed.

"ALBUS!"

"AM I TOO LOUD FOR YOU SEVERUS?!" he yelled. Snape chocked a sob. "Okay, I guess I've made my point," he whispered.

"Obviously."

"I came to check on you, but honestly, you look decent minus this hangover."

"I have an elixir for it," Snape said, summoning it to him. Albus caught it.

"Ah, ah, ah, Severus, not so fast. I think this is a perfect punishment for making me give your midterm."

"You exhaust me, Headmaster."

"And you, me."


	23. Chapter 23: Memories on a Christmas Eve

**A/N: thanks for bearing with me, guys. It means a lot and this is my first fic. I love you all and appreciate the reviews. Shit's about to get more real in some upcoming chapters! Fair warning. **

Chapter 23: Memories on a Christmas Eve

The rest of Harry's (and Snape's) midterms went by without mistakes. Harry received nearly perfect marks, making Hermione slightly jealous, only slightly (she insists).

Harry hugged Ron and Hermione goodbye as they picked up their bags and prepared to leave the castle for break. He would be staying with Snape, but they didn't know that bit.

"You sure you don't want to come with me Harry? I'm sure mum would love to have you!" Ron offered.

"Nah, I'll be alright here. You enjoy your family. Both of you," he said with a smile, he meant it. They deserved to be with their families, even if he couldn't. _No, not exactly. Snape was basically his family now. _He smiled bigger. He would be spending the break with his family.

"Bye Harry!" Ron and Hermione called as they ran towards the carriages.

"Bye guys!"

"We'll write!" Harry nodded. And with that they were gone.

He headed down the steps to the dungeon and ran into Snape. "Hey!... Professor," he added awkwardly after a moment of silence.

"Mr. Potter, running through the corridors. I should take points from Gryffindor, but seeing as it's break, I can make an exception," he said as he hugged Harry. _Damn, that felt good, _Snape and Harry both thought. "Granger and Weasley gone?" Harry nodded. "Good. My entire house departed for the holidays, so it's just you and me." Harry smiled as they made their way down to Snape's chambers. _It already feels like it did this summer, relaxed and at home, _Harry thought.

When they arrived, Snape summoned Harry's things back down to the guest room. "Thanks!"

"It was nothing. You could learn how…"

"I know how, just hadn't really gotten to it yet."

"Hmmm." Harry laughed and looked at the shelves of books.

"Professor, what do you have planned for break?"

"Mostly what I did over the summer, replenishing potions in the hospital wing and in my supply. You'll be helping. I couldn't help but notice your 'Outstanding' marks on your Potions exam. Care to enlighten me as to how you received that?"

"Honestly? I think it's that I've gotten better by helping you over the summer. Plus it doesn't hurt that I've seen how much potions help…"

"I'm glad to see you finally taking an interest in my class." Harry grinned sheepishly. Snape smiled and turned his attention to a book on the shelf, he pulled it down and handed it to Harry. "Read this, I think you'll enjoy it."

Harry looked at the cover. Magical Healing Vol. 1. He smiled. "Will this make my healing you make more sense?"

Snape shook his head, "if anything, it will make less. But healing me seemed to make you happy and you do enjoy being the hero, don't you?"

"I like helping other people. Isn't that the purpose of my life anyway? I'm supposed to save the entire wizarding community, right?"

Snape stiffened. "You are also entitled to your own life."

"But Dumbledore said—"

"He was wrong. You are your own person and you don't have to do things just because he tells you to." Harry stayed quiet. He never really understood why Snape hated Dumbledore so much. The minutes crawled by.

"Why do you hate him?" Harry finally asked quietly. Snape sighed.

"I don't hate him, entirely. I just think his methods are… not the ones I would use. Would you like some dinner? We can eat here or in the hall."

"Here is fine, dinner sounds great."

They chatted idly about how classes were going, Snape complained about the first years and that he'd lost two great cauldrons to explosions. Harry laughed. "Reminds me of my first year."

"Oh you bunch were the absolute worst."

"Because I was there?" Harry poked.

"Not entirely, but some. Having Draco in my class makes it far more difficult."

"How?"

"Well, I'm his godfather and I have to look out for him. Which isn't at all a walk in the park. He gets himself in too many bad situations." Harry nodded his agreement. The rest of the meal continued in a comfortable silence.

_I don't know what it is about Snape, but something about him just makes me relax. It feels like, maybe, everything is going to be okay and will work out in the end when he's here. I wish I was always this calm._

The days passed much like this. Both Harry and Snape far more at ease than they were with the entire student body present. Neither cared much for being surrounded by people.

Christmas Eve rolled around and Snape presented Harry with a box. "Professor, I haven't anything for you."

"You've already given me what I needed, a relaxing break. Look at the potions we've made."

"Right," Harry said, taking the box. He pulled off the wrapping paper slowly and opened the box underneath. Inside was a scrapbook. When Harry opened it, he found it was filled with moving pictures of Snape and his mom together as kids. There was one where Snape was making a helicopter-leaf fly like a dragonfly. He made it land on Lilly's head and she giggled. Harry looked up at Snape. "This is you and my mum?"

"Yes, we were quite good friends as children."

"What was she like?"

"She was amazing, beautiful and talented. I used to take her to that hilltop and do magic for her, she would show me some of her own. Simple kid stuff. Her parents were really supportive of her magic but her sister wasn't. She hated me, I assume she still does. But Lilly never said anything bad about her. She defended her on some occasions, saying she was just jealous, and all that. She was the only person I ever loved romantically." Snape sighed, remembering. "Then your father," he shook his head. "Never mind."

"Please, I want to understand why you hate my dad."

"Let me show you," he and Harry walked over to the Pensive Snape kept in his room. He found the memory and he and Harry were sucked from the room.

_It was a nice day out, the sun was shining and Snape was sitting under a tree, writing in a potions book. "Hey Snivellus!" James called. "C'mon, get your nose out of that book and have some fun."_

"_I'm fine, thanks." Alright then "Liberacorpus," and before Snape knew it he was hanging from his ankles, his school uniform hanging off of him._

"_James! Put him down!" Lilly yelled._

"_Will you go out with me?"_

"_Ew, no!"_

"_Then no I won't put him down!" Her insult broke his concentration anyway and Snape fell to the ground. _

"_Severus! Are you alright?"_

"_I'm fine. Thanks, I don't need help from a mudblood," he seethed and stalked away instantly regretting saying it. Lilly ran away crying, James stood in shock. _

The scene changed and it was later in the year, colder outside.

"_I'm sorry for calling you what I did it just—" Snape began._

"—_Slipped out?" Lilly finished. "Do you still want to be a Death Eater?"_

"_Yes, I don't understand why you won't join me, or at least accept it."_

"_No, Severus, you don't and you never will, leave me alone."_

"_Lilly, please—"_

"_No! I never want to see you again!"_

The memory faded and they were back in Snape's room. He looked ashamed and Harry couldn't blame him.

"I called her… that… because I was angry with James. I didn't mean it. And I'm the one who told her that blood didn't matter. I hate myself for what I did every day." _Why am I telling Potter this? He's going to side with his dad, I didn't show him enough of what James did—_

"I understand why you hate my father," Harry said, a welcome interruption to Snape's thoughts.

"You do?" Severus was shocked. He expected the boy to protect his dad with every fiber of his being. _Potter's full of surprises._

"Yeah, he was a jerk to you. It didn't exactly look like this was a one-time thing."

"I don't know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything. The memory spoke for you. You loved my mom and you just messed up a lot. We all do. I messed up and you still took me in. That has to count for something, right? You're taking care of me now, and you've changed a lot. You're on this side now too."

All of the things Harry was saying were warming Snape's heart. It was a welcomed feeling. There had been an icy stone in his chest for so many years and for the first time in a long time, he felt warmth and the steady beat of a heart."Harry, I don't know what to say. You've given me more in what you just said than you can understand. Thank you."

"You're welcome, professor. Happy Christmas," he said as the clock struck twelve.

"Happy Christmas, Harry," Snape echoed with a smile on his face.


	24. Chapter 24: Horcrux

Chapter 24:

When harry rose there were two packages waiting to be opened, one from the Weasleys the other from Hermione. Mrs. Weasley had sent him a sweater, Fred and Gorge a couple of their pranks, Ginny a flower she carved from wood using magic, and Ron sent him a package of Bertie-Botts Every Flavour beans and some chocolate frogs. They reminded Harry of their first train ride together. Hermione sent him a planner that automatically noted what he had to do and by what date he was to turn it in. Harry laughed, he expected this sort of thing from her. It made sense since he ended up in the hospital wing so frequently.

"Harry, breakfast!"

"Coming!" Harry jumped from his bed and pulled on a pair of jeans and a black shirt. He walked into the kitchen and smiled. "Waffles!"

"Of course, it's Christmas morning," Snape replied cheerfully.

"Thanks! This smells fantastic, Professor!"

"We have to do something about that," Severus remarked.

"About what?"

"You calling me professor. It's necessary in class but not here."

"Okay, what do you want me to call you?"

"Come up with something yourself!"

"Snape?"

"Still too serious."

"Severus"

"Too friendly."

"UGH SEV!"

"That works."

"Don't you think that's friendlier than Severus?"

"Perhaps, but Lilly called me Severus—"

"You don't have to explain further." Snape nodded his appreciation.

After breakfast they headed to the lab and worked on potions for the rest of the morning, took a lunch break and kept it up until they were both too tired to work.

The rest of break went like this. Waking up, having breakfast, and then straight potions with idle chatting until dinner. The final day came around and Harry had just finished his first ever batch of Wolfsbane.

"Well done, Potter," Snape praised.

"Thank you, _sir_."

"Harry."

"Sev."

They both started laughing. _This is the first time I've truly laughed in years, _Snape thought as he tried to control himself.

"I missed this," Harry said honestly.

"As did I."

"Why can't it always be like this?" It was a rhetorical question, but Harry asked it anyway.

Severus sighed, "Because of Draco and the Death Eaters. I have to be a 'spy' for them…"

"That has to be terrible. Why did you ever want to join them?"

"My past wasn't much different from your own, I didn't really like my family and I wanted to find people who would love me. The Dark Lord didn't say love, but he did praise me when I did well and that was more than anyone had done in a long time." Harry nodded, he hadn't expected a response like that. _Was Snape treated as I was? _He didn't dare ask. Noticing Harry's silence Snape broke it, "Lunch?"

"Sure!" He was grateful for something else to do.

Just as they were sitting down, they heard the woosh of someone flooing in. Harry looked at Snape, terrified.

"Severus?" Albus called and both Harry and Snape stiffened.

"Yes, Headmaster?"

"Where are you?"

"We are in the kitchen," Snape said coolly. Dumbledore bustled in.

"Harry! Just the boy I needed to speak to. Please head up to my office, I must have a word with Severus." Harry nodded and left after sharing a look with Snape. Once Harry was out of ear-shot, Dumbledore began, "I'm going to tell him."

"Albus, you can't!" Severus seethed. _Potter is emotionally unstable. You already fucked up by putting him in that house with those damn abusive muggles. I still need to deal with them. He can't be told, he'll do something incredibly stupid. And it's the last day of break. _Dumbledore had been going on about something while Snape was lost in his tangent. "Stop." Albus stopped and regarded Severus calmly.

"Yes?"

"He can't handle it right now."

"He is in my care, at my school, and I will tell him!" Snape sighed as Albus stood and flooed back to his office before he could say another word.

Harry was sitting in the chair in front of Dumbledore's desk when he entered. "Harry, dear boy, how are you?"

"I'm doing fine, Professor."

"That's good to hear, lemon drop?"

Harry shook his head, "no thanks." Dumbledore nodded.

"I need to discuss something with you. About Voldemort."

"Alright, what's going on?"

"I've figured out that he has created things called Horcruxes. A Horcrux is a piece of the soul that beaks off and seeks shelter in an object or being somewhere around it. The way the soul splits is by killing someone."

"Voldemort has killed many, doesn't that mean he has tons of Horcruxes?"

"No, he had seven, I believe. I've destroyed some of them and he has used a few to return after your battles." Harry nodded, _this sounds like good news_. Unfortunately, Harry, there is a Horcrux he never intended to make." Harry stiffened.

When Dumbledore remained silent, Harry asked, "Well, what is it?"

"It's you." Harry drew a sharp breath.

"Me?" He said shakily.

"Yes, I'm sorry, dear boy," he said calmly.

"So in order for Voldemort to cease to exist, I have to die."

"Indeed." Harry nodded.

"Okay."

"But you have to die at the right time, in the right way. And you have to be the one to destroy Voldemort." Harry shook with anger and fear. "You may return to Professor Snape if you have no questions."

"How did you destroy the other Horcruxes?"

"You destroyed some as well. Tom Riddle's diary, with the basilisk fang, is one. But the sword of Gryffindor is what I've used for the others I've found"

"Alright. What about the other Horcrux, you said there were two?"

"The snake, Nagini" Harry nodded, stood, and left.

He ran back to Snape's Chamber and as soon as the portrait slammed shut, he burst into tears. Severus ran over and wrapped his arms around Harry. "Harry, Harry, what happened? What's wrong?" Harry tried to speak but he just succeeded in hyperventilating. "Relax, please, relax. You're okay I'm here with you. I'm here, Harry." He started to relax, the sound of Sev's voice was calming him. His breathing slowed.

"I have to die to defeat Voldemort and Dumbledore knew. He's known for a while and I know it. He lied to me! He bloody lied!" Snape kept his face from meeting Harry's, he didn't want him to know that he too was crying. "Sev?" Snape turned his tear streaked face to Potter. Harry leaned into his potions master and cried himself to sleep.

Harry woke late into the night, Snape had fallen asleep as well and hadn't yet stirred. He got up, careful to not disturb Sev and crept into the kitchen. Lunch had been cleared long ago so Harry just grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl. He checked the time as he munched. _Hmm, 3:29. I'm awake, I can't just sit around and do nothing. _Harry found some parchment and a quill. He sat on the floor beside the couch and began drawing Hedwig.

Snape woke around 6:15 to find Harry on the floor putting the finishing touches on a drawing of his owl. "That looks nice," he said with a voice groggy from sleep.

"Thanks. I made it for you," Harry said handing it to him. Snape smiled. "I go back today," he said, referring to moving back to his dorm.

"Yes," Severus replied sadly.

"I moved my stuff back while you were sleeping."

"Ah. Well, let's have breakfast. The train should arrive around noon." Harry nodded.

They began their meal in silence when Severus broke it. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know." Snape nodded and they slipped back into silence.


	25. Chapter 25: Please Help

Chapter 25: Please Help

The train arrive at noon, just as Sev said it would. Harry trekked down to the Gryffindor common room to wait for Ron and Hermione. They greeted him with hugs and apologies of why they couldn't write. Harry shrugged them off. Honestly he hadn't noticed that they hadn't sent any notes. Ron and Hermione told him about their holidays.

"What did you do, Harry?" Hermione asked curiously.

"I just relaxed and got a bit of studying in," he replied. It wasn't really a lie, he had done extra potions.

"Oh," she said sadly.

"I enjoyed it, really," Harry said enthusiastically.

"Well good then!" Ron commented.

The three spent the rest of the day talking about everything from Quiddich to Ginny's obsession with Harry getting worse. They were so engrossed in their conversation they missed dinner and just decided to sleep.

The next morning Harry woke early and headed to breakfast. _Damn, I do this a lot, _he thought. On his way to the dining hall he ran into Snape. "You're up early, Potter," he commented accusingly while his eyes met Harry's in an apologetic way.

"Yes, professor, I am," Harry stared back, trying to convey the he felt like shit. Snape nodded and stalked away, his robes billowing out behind him. When Harry reached the hall he decided on an apple and a bowl of cereal. He pulled out his journal and wrote to Snape.

_S-_

_Can we meet tonight instead of tomorrow, or maybe in addition to tomorrow? I feel terrible and I'm scared. _

_-H_

_H-_

_Sure. My office, after dinner. I'll leave first. Tell your friends you have detention as soon as you want after I leave._

_-S_

Harry closed the journal and went back to his food, picking at it more than eating. When he finished his breakfast he went to Potions where Snape went easy on him and he was able to complete his potion on time. Malfoy tripped him but he was able to save the sample of the potion he'd brewed. Snape rewarded him with a smirk and a comment about watching his balance, making the Slytherins snicker. Harry glared at them. The rest of his day was uneventful until Care of Magical Creatures. Hagrid introduced the class to a very new type of creature. It was the baby of a Hippogriff and a dragon. The creature looked exactly like a Hippogriff but with larger claws, snake-like pupils and the ability to breathe fire. It was quite impressive. Hagrid informed the class that some of the offspring of this combination have more dragon-like wings and some lack the ability to breathe fire and so on and so forth. The three left the class and headed to dinner. Finally, after the longest half hour of Harry's life, Snape departed to his office.

"I have to go, guys, I have detention," Harry said without emotion.

"Oh, alright Harry," Ron said, Hermione just nodded.

Harry knocked on Snape's door. "Enter," Snape's voice echoed though the stone room. Harry stepped quietly in and shut the door behind him. "So Potter, detention again?" Snape chastised as he put up a silencing spell. Once the room was secure Severus asked, "What's wrong?"

"I don't know how to explain it. I feel like everything I do is just a lost cause because I'm destined for death. Classed were awful today, except potions, or course. I couldn't concentrate on anything because it just seems stupid if I'm going to die."

"Perhaps things will work out differently than you expect," Snape said cautiously.

"Maybe. Can I just stay in here and work? Something about you makes me calmer. I feel like there's a way everything might be oaky when I'm with you."

"Sure, if you don't mind me working."

"Not at all, thanks."

It was just before curfew and Harry was about to step out of Snape's door. "Thanks again," he said from the doorframe. Snape nodded and Harry left. The second he got to his bed, a dam in his mind broke. Everything about which he was worrying came flooding to the surface and left Harry drowning.

**A/N: Short chapter, but a necessary evil. You'll see. (You'll all see!)**


	26. Chapter 26: Death's Door

_The second he got to his bed, a dam in his mind broke. Everything about which he was worrying came flooding to the surface and left Harry drowning._

Chapter 26: Death's Door

Harry picked up his journal and potions knife and ran from his room. When he stopped to catch his breath, he found himself at the entrance to the prefect's bathroom. He entered.

The bathtub sat in front of him, captivating his attention. _Perfect, _Harry thought. He turned on the water and stripped naked before the mirror, placing the journal on the marble sink. He traced his old scars with his index finger, enjoying the smoothness of the scar tissue, how silky and new it felt beneath his calloused fingers. Harry picked the knife up from the floor and cut a line down his arm, tracing scars from so many times ago. He slit across his collarbone, watching the blood drip down his pale chest, illuminated only by the light of the full moon shining through the dusty windows. Harry cut more lines across his ribs and hips, feeling the hot blood trace its way down his skin. _This is peaceful_, he thought. The bath filled and he climbed in, the blood from his wounds swirled in the bath water. It intrigued him. He cut more lines into his skin and watched as the blood danced in the water. The swirling patterns, the eventual dissolving into one, it fascinated him. He sliced more and more, the water turned a dark red and before long, Harry couldn't see the swirling, it was all one colour. _I could just sink beneath the surface of the water and let go. I could die and there would be no more Voldemort, no more things for me to do. Everything would be this, peaceful. _Harry took a deep breath and sank beneath the red water. Once he was laying on the bottom of the bath, he looked up through the red at the celling. The moonlight cast shadows on the water's surface, the reflection off the water made faint red ripples on the walls. Harry released his breath. He watched as the bubbles floated up, clear orbs of translucent red shimmering away from him. His body screamed for him to resurface and breathe once more. He denied it the pleasure. Black spots were starting to cloud his vision, but he held fast. He wanted to see the red water until Death took him in its sweet embrace. Harry's vision flickered, he could see a looming black figure above him, past the red of the water. Blackness encompassed his vision, he was trapped somewhere between life and death.

Snape was doing his usual rounds when he stepped in a puddle and it splashed up on him. _And I just had my robes cleaned, _he thought. _Damn leaking castle. Wait…_ He noticed that the water was coming down the stairs to his right and that it was tinted red. _Shit! _He raced up the stairs and ran into a locked door. The door to the prefect's bathroom. _None of them should be here, it's past hours even for them. _He flicked his wand at the door and it opened, revealing a tub spilling blood red water. Snape hurried to the side of the bath and what he saw took his breath away. Potter laying lifelessly beneath the bloody water. Severus reached in and pulled the naked boy from the depths of his death. "NO!" Snape screamed as Potter's body flopped against him, void of life. He laid Potter down on the stone floor, away from the overflow of water, and began giving him CPR. Harry's body forced the water from him but he was still unconscious, his breathing ragged and his heart-beat, nearly nothing. The boy was freezing cold, Severus ripped off his cloak and wrapped it around the boy's frame. He saw the journal and the knife and seized those, putting them in his pockets. Snape cradled harry in his arms and raced to the hospital wing. "POPPY" he roared. She came sprinting in and saw the bundle in Snape's arms. Before she could say anything he spoke "Drowned himself. I've got him breathing again but—" Poppy began setting up a bed with all the essentials. Snape lay Harry on the bed and watched as Madame Pomfrey bustled about, running tests and scans with her magic. After what felt like hours, she sagged in a chair. "Is he…?"

"He's stable but it'll be a fight. He needs to be supervised 'round the clock, and I assume Dumbledore should know about this?"

Snape sighed angrily. _This is Albus's fault! _"Could you fire-call him for me?" She nodded and moments later Albus came running in wearing his pajamas.

"Is he alright? Is the boy okay? Severus, what happened?!"

"You! You happened. You told him he is to die! Like a pig raised for slaughter. I think he decided to take his own life because of you and what you bloody told him!"

"The boy had a right to know…" Dumbledore said sounding defeated.

"I damn well told you he couldn't handle it! I. Damn. Well. Told. You."

"Severus… I…"

"You. Nearly. Cost. Potter. His. Life. You almost cost the entire wizarding world their lives. Look what you've done!" Severus said, gesturing to Harry's form. Dumbledore remained silent. "You bloody knew he was destined to die, didn't you?" Albus shook his head, "Don't. Lie. To. Me." Snape seethed.

"I knew it was possible, Severus, yes." Snape shook his head in disgust and looked away from Albus. It sickened him that this man to which he, at one point in time, looked up, could raise a child for slaughter. "Severus—"

"Leave. Leave Harry. Leave the school for a while. Just say it's Order business. I don't care. Or at least stay the hell away from Harry."

"You've grown to care for the boy."

"Obviously."


	27. Chapter 27: Snape's Past

Chapter 27: Snape's Past

Snape sat beside Potter's hospital bed that night, deep in thought. He remembered the first time he truly longed for death:

_Severus faced his dad in their family room. It was decorated with excessive, elaborate furniture, imported carpets, and untouched books. His father's face was contorted in a menacing glare as he held his wand in front of him. "Sectumsempra" He yelled, slashing Severus across his chest. He screamed but his father was far from done. He slashed him countless times. This was punishment for Severus creating his own spell and writing it down. "See Severus! Look what you taught me! You always wanted to learn new things! So do I!" he taunted. Severus cried out, pleading for his dad to stop. That was weak,_ he chastised himself. _He lay on the floor, whimpering, when his father brought down a slash across his back. He started to see black spots. Severus longed to die, in that moment. He desired it with his entire being, willed his body to shut down and give up. His world faded to black as he listened to his mom scream. His father had turned to her now that Severus was no longer fun. He wanted to help her, but the darkness was beckoning, promising bliss. Silence encompassed him and he drifted away. _

_He woke days later to his mom pouring a nutrition potion down his throat. "Mom?"_

"_Shh, Severus, it's okay, I'm here." He looked at her. She had cuts across her once perfect face. One of her eyes was crusted shut with blood. She shook her head when he opened his mouth and pointed to her eye._

"_Where's Father?" He asked instead. _

"_He's not here now. You're safe."_

"_I'm sorry. I should have been stronger. You're hurt. Please… let me help you."_

"_Severus, I'm okay. You have to run away, baby."_

"_I can't leave you!"_

"_I can't go. He'll find me. You have a chance. Run. Someone will find you and keep you safe."_

"_But—"_

"_No, Severus. Please, I love you. I love you so much. Please…."_

"_I love you too, mom." He said as she handed him a bag. _

"_I packed for you." He nodded and she kissed him on the cheek and brushed his hair from his face. "You are so loved, Severus. Please never forget that." He hugged her so tightly, he knew it hurt her cuts, but she didn't care and neither did he. Severus picked up the bag and ran, unsure of where he would go. But he would adhere to his mother's final wishes. She was dying and he knew it. _

_Hours had passed and Severus finally collapsed from exhaustion. He pulled himself to a hotel and asked for a room for the night. Once he had the key, he sprinted to the room, shut the door and slid down the back in tears. He cried until no more tears would come. Exhaustion finally took over and pulled him into a dreamless sleep. _

_He woke to someone pounding on the door. "What?!" He snapped. _

"_You have to leave, a man is here looking for you. He's angry." _

_It has to be dad, he thought. Severus grabbed his bag and jumped out of the window. He was on the first floor. As he ran past the parking lot, his father's car caught his eye. His mother sat in the passenger seat. He went closer, the car smelled of death. NO! He thought as he wrenched the door open and his mother's corpse fell on his feet. Severus froze in panic, fear, and sadness. He turned and ran. "Run" she'd said, it echoed through his mind like a siren. He ran smack into an older man. "Sorry," he muttered and tried to push past._

"_Severus. Stop." How did he know my name?_

"_Who are you?" Severus demanded._

"_My name is Albus Dumbledore. The headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. You're aware you're a wizard, yes?"_

"_So? I don't need a bloody school. I need to get the hell out of here. My dad's pissed. So if you'll excuse me…" He tried to walk away but Dumbledore put a hand on his shoulder and apparated to the front gate of Hogwarts. Once Severus was back on his feet he glared at the man. "What the hell?!"_

"_My apologies, dear boy, you see, I wanted to get you somewhere safe," he said, reaching for his arm. Severus pulled back. _

"_How do I know this is safe?"_

"_It's one of the safest places in the wizarding world. The school year starts in a week, had you not gotten your owl?"_

"_No, I was…. Preoccupied. Sorry."_

"_Never mind that then, I'm glad you're here. Now about your father?"_

Snape drifted off to a sleep full of nightmares and memories of his mother. 


	28. Chapter 28: Fire at Will

Chapter 28: Fire at Will

Snape was woken from his troubled sleep by a disheveled McGonagall. She was shaking his shoulders. "Yes, Minerva?" He asked opening one eye.

"Potter?" Severus turned to look at her and opened both his eyes. She was glaring at him.

"Is currently stable."

"What happened? I got a call from Poppy saying that a student from my house is in the hospital wing in critical condition!"

Snape rubbed his face tiredly, "Ask Albus. It's his fault."

"I'm asking you, Severus," she said pointedly. He sighed.

"Albus told Potter that the night The Dark Lord killed his parents he made another Horcrux. Potter is the Horcrux he never meant to make." McGonagall gasped and Snape continued, "Potter must die," he choked, "in order for the Dark Lord to die as well." She staggered backwards and Severus summoned a chair to catch her. She nodded her thanks. _Where the hell did that come from?_ Snape asked himself and pressed on. "I informed Albus prior to him telling Har—Potter that the boy was emotionally unstable and wouldn't take it well. The boy was abused at home, Minerva! He couldn't handle more pain," Severus choked again, but pushed through it and got back on topic, "Albus ignored me. I found Potter in the prefects' bathroom, drowning in the bath. Had I not hastened here, Potter would be dead."

"Oh, Potter," she whispered looking at the boy wrapped in Snape's cloak. "Severus, you hide it well but I noticed."

"Noticed what?" He asked slowly.

"You care about Harry," she stated.

"I—"

"It's alright, he obviously cares about you. I doubt anyone else has noticed, you don't act differently during school hours. But I've seen you… unguarded," she said with a satisfied smile. I never thought I'd see you care about anything after Lilly." Snape growled but Minerva just put her hand atop his. "I'm going to go deal with the Headmaster," She snarled and stride purposefully from the room, wand drawn. Snape wished he could be there to see what she would do to the headmaster. _The old fool deserves it._

Severus shook his head. Of all the professors she was most likely his favourite. The others had the tendency to get on his nerves. _I shouldn't be thinking about this when Potter is on the verge of death, _he thought and a lone tear fell down his cheek.

McGonagall burst through the doors of Albus' office. "Minerva how—" She cast a spell at him. "Please, calm down!" More sparks shot from her wand.

"How could you, Albus!?" Another shot fired. "Severus warned you!" A shower of red sparks soared toward Albus who ducked beneath his desk.

"Minerva I—"

"You say you trust Severus as your spy, but you don't trust him when it comes to caring for a child who clearly talks to him?!" Her wand emitted green sparks. Dumbledore stayed behind his desk for a while, giving her a few minutes to relax. When he poked his head up, another wave of magic came toward him.

"If you would just give me a minute to explain myself!" He said, still hiding. Minerva was terrifying with a wand and rage.

"Explain." Albus stood and sat calmly in his chair. Minerva lowered her wand.

"I figured out that Harry is—"

"A Horcrux Voldemort never intended to make, Severus informed me. Now tell me why you thought it would be a great idea to tell a student, who was mentally unstable, that he has to die to completely vanquish the enemy of the wizarding world." Albus faltered and Minerva drew her wand again

"I figured he had the right to know?" He stated it as a question. McGonagall took a deep breath.

"You've made too many mistakes with that boy Albus. He's only a child. A child who is now dying because of what you told him!"

"…For the second time," Dumbledore muttered under his breath but Minerva caught it.

"Severus mentioned the abuse. I told you they were bad muggles. You agreed and you never checked on Potter?" She cast a curse at him and set his robes aflame. "I'm afraid I must go before I do anything close to what you deserve. I also assume Severs helped… show you the error of your ways." She left Albus struggling with flaming robes and a determined look on her face.

Severus was staring at Potter's sickly pale face. He imagined his eyes open, how much hope they held when Harry realized that Snape could save him. He sighed as Poppy brought Potter another blood-replenishing potion. "Severus," she began "Why did Mr. Potter have so many lacerations?" Snape flinched. _Shit. He didn't have his glamours up._

"I told Albus he was mentally unstable," he said flatly.

"You mean, he did this…?" She asked, gesturing to where the blankets had slipped away and revealed Harry's arm littered by gashes, partially healed cuts, and scars. Severus nodded. _I'm sorry Harry. _

"I told him I wouldn't speak of it. He was doing better." She nodded with a look that told him she would take Potter's secret to the grave.

Ron and Hermione hadn't thought too much of Harry's disappearance until rumors of someone, also rumored to be a Gryffindor, attempting to commit suicide in the prefects' bathroom sprung up around the castle.

"Ron, you don't think…?"

"Harry wouldn't do that. No."

"We should still – "

"Check the hospital wing," They said together and began sprinting there. When they arrived, the door were open and it looked the same except for room dividers set up around one bed. They walked closer and through the gaps of the dividers, they could see Snape asleep in a chair.

"He looks absolutely dreadful, even for Snape."

"Yeah, it can't be Harry, Snape hates him."

"Well, not exactly, Ronald. Harry did save him. Maybe he's just returning the favor," Hermione guessed.

"I doubt that greasy git knows anything about favors. Plus, he got him away from his uncle, wouldn't that make them even?" Ron asked accusingly and glared at Snape.

"I don't know, maybe he isn't all bad—" Hermione started.

Severus cut her off "Perhaps I'm not," he said silkily. They jumped and turned around, he'd walked up behind them completely unnoticed.

"Professor, I… we…" She tried to begin, Snape crossed his arms and stared at her, waiting. "We were worried about Harry, there are rumors all over the school that someone tried to…" She trailed off, if it were true, that would mean Harry was the one who wanted to die.

"Potter is stable. Return to your classes," when they didn't move he included, "Now." They quickly rushed out of the hospital and made their way to Care of Magical Creatures.

When the class concluded, Hagrid stopped Ron and Hermione. "Where's Harry?" He asked, concerned. "I haven't seen 'im much this year."

"Well, Hagrid, have you heard the rumors about…"

"The student who decided ter attempt suicide? Yeah, I heard."

"It was Harry," Ron said so Hermione wouldn't have to.

"Wha'? Harry? Why!?" He demanded.

"We're not sure," Hermione said glumly.

"Come inside, I'll make some tea," Hagrid said through tears and they followed him.


	29. Chapter 29: Deal

Chapter 29: Deal

That night at dinner, Albus made the announcement. "Students, your attention please. I'm sure you've all heard the rumors by now. I can tell you they are all true. A student did attempt to commit suicide." Various murmurs sprung up about the hall. "Silence." And so there was. "The student is now in the hospital wing, visitors are not allowed," he emphasized looking directly at Ron and Hermione. "He is currently in critical condition and under supervision at all times. Thank you. Please enjoy dinner." He said stepping down and looking at Severus, who glared back.

_Who is Albus to force me to be present for a meeting when Potter is in a bed dying! This is ludicrous. _"…Severus. Severus?" The sound of his name drew him back. It was McGonagall.

"Hm?" He said trying to sound casual and uninterested.

"You may return to Potter." Albus tried to interject but Minerva shot him a look, keeping him silent. "Albus, can't you see how distracted he is? Let him go."

"Thank you," he nodded to her and stalked out of the dining hall. Malfoy caught up with him.

"So, Professor, Potter finally went insane! Now the Dark Lord will surely be pleased, won't he? With Potter in a weak state we could catch him and take him to the Dark Lord! We would get the highest praises—"

"Enough!" Snape cut him off. "If we take Potter now, Dumbledore would never trust me again. They would come up with a plan to get him back and I would lose the trust of both my alliances. You. Don't. Think," he said and stalked away, leaving Malfoy confused in the middle of the hall. Snape took a large amount of faculty only passages to get to the hospital wing to be sure Draco hadn't followed him. When he arrived, he collapsed in the chair beside Potter's bed.

_Oh, Potter, what am I going to do with you? I hate caring about people, it's so damn hard. Minerva was right, I do care about Harry as much as I did/do Lilly, just in a different way, I suppose. _He drifted off to sleep, weakened from a lack of food.

Deep into the night he woke to an alarm, dazed form sleep he had no clue what was happening until Poppy came running to Potter's side. "He's stopped breathing." That was all Severus needed to spring to action, they got Harry to a sitting position. He coughed and Snape relaxed slightly. His breathing returned.

"What happened?" He asked, his voice deep with sleep.

"There's still fluid in his lungs and we can't remove it until he's more stable. I told you this two hours ago."

"Did you consider the fact that I could have been asleep?" He snapped. She huffed. "I'm sorry Poppy."

"You're really not yourself, Severus. Have you ever cared about anyone but yourself?"

"Not since Lilly." _Why is it always when something terrible happens to Potter, I open up to others? Damn this caring thing. But I wouldn't go back to life before this. I finally have a reason to live._ Poppy nodded and walked away.

The days turned into weeks. Severus only left Harry's side to teach. He was absent from meals and staff meetings. He only ate because Poppy forced him. As he sat in the chair and starred at Potter's emaciated, pale, small from he began to wonder what he would do if he didn't make it. _The wizarding world would be damned, the Dark Lord would make life hell—_A cold hand grabbing his pulled him from his thoughts. He looked down and saw two dull emerald eyes staring back. "Harry?" He whispered. Harry nodded with a small smile, then his smile faltered.

"I'm so sorry Sev. I'm so so so so sorry. I shouldn't have gone that far. I—"

"Shh, Harry, shh, it's okay now, you're okay now," Snape said wrapping his arms around the freezing child who hugged him in return. He buried his head in Snape's chest.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I don't want to die and leave you." It broke Severus's heart to hear him say that.

"Harry—"

"No," he said with a determined look in his eyes, "I have to defeat Voldemort before more people die. Sirius was one of many, and I can't let it come to the war everyone thinks is going to happen. I can't watch anyone else die for me! I'm not worth that. And I can't take any more guilt."

_Where did this boy, no, young man, learn to be so wise? _"Harry, I fear you're not strong enough to take Him yet."

"What's another year? More people die? More fuel to my fire of hate? No, I have to do it now. I have to do it when he isn't looking," his eyes lit up, "I have an idea."

Snape hesitated before asking, "What might that be?"

"The next time he calls you, apparate with me."

"NO! He'll kill you!"

"Sev. It will be fine, I have a plan. If you can kill Nagini, I can take care of the Dark Lord."

"Harry!—"

"No, I have to do this."

"What about the other Death Eaters? As soon as you appear they'll try to kill you."

"Voldemort won't let them, he has to be the one to kill me."

"I hope you're right. But just promise me something."

"What?"

"You'll get stronger before we go."

"Deal."


	30. Chapter 30: Angel

Chapter 30: Angel

Harry had to stay in the hospital another week to rebuild his strength and to reassure Madame Pomfrey that he wouldn't break from leaving. It had already been two weeks since he'd nearly died and a third was just going to mean more homework. Harry groaned, Snape glanced over, somewhat concerned. "The homework I'm going to have," Harry explained. Snape nodded and flicked his wand, Harry's books landed on the table next to him. "Thanks."

"Thank Miss. Granger, she's the one who compiled it for you," He started to stand as he said "should I leave you so you—"

"Please don't. Please stay…." Snape nodded as he sat back in the chair and some papers fluttered to him. Harry gave him a questioning look.

"I still teach, therefore I still have to grade papers and write lesson plans." Harry nodded and went back to his homework. He worked for about an hour, making a decent dent, but he stopped.

"When can I start having visitors?" Severus's head snapped up. He thought better of it and relaxed a bit.

"What am I? Chopped owl?" Harry snorted.

"You're not a visitor, you're family." A small smile flickered across Snape's face as his heart practically melted and jumped into his throat. "But anyway," Harry started again, not realizing his potions master was on the brink of crying, "I mean, when are Ron and Hermione going to come running in here making sure I really am okay? Well physically okay."

"You can start having visitors on Wednesday, and you will be released Monday before classes," Severus managed to say around the lump in his throat.

"Yeah I knew that part…" Lost in thought, Harry still hadn't noticed that Snape had sounded strained. _Damn, they're going to be upset and worried and I just don't want to deal with that now. Harry! They're you're friends, _he scolded himself, _they're just worried about you. It's not every day that a Hogwarts student tries to commit suicide. And I guess it isn't every day that the Boy-Who-Lived tries it either. What am I going to say to them, "hey guys, sorry I went a little insane and well, tried to do something as stupid as that, but you get me right? It's hard having the weight of the wizarding world on your shoulders." No. They'd never go for that. And Hermione will cry and Ron will do the stupid thing where he just stares at me open-mouthed like he never expected this. She'll blame herself for this, for not realizing I would do it and Ron… I can't think about it. Potions! That will relax me. _Harry reached for his potions homework.

Severus watched Potter as his sentence just faded and he got a thoughtful look on his face. He could only guess what was running through that child's mind but his own thoughts were flying around like crazy too. _The Dark Lord could kill Harry when we apparate. Since I'm never entirely sure where we'll be. Damn this whole situation. Why does Potter have to be the one to kill him?! More importantly, how is he going to die? _Harry moved suddenly and Snape turned to face him, he was just grabbing his potions homework. "Good luck with that Potter, you've missed some important lessons."

"Good thing I have my professor right here. Maybe he'll be nice enough to answer my questions." Snape smirked.

"Possibly."

They sat in comfortable silence for the next few hours until Dumbledore interrupted them. He walked in through Madame Pomfrey's office, startling Severus. "Headmaster," he said, making Harry look up.

"Professor," Harry said, nodding to him in a Snape-like fashion.

"Boys, always so formal. Please, I just want to talk about what happened." _Already people want to talk about it. This is the first day I've been conscious and I'm already exhausted by seeing him, _Harry thought. Severus glared at the elder wizard. "Harry, I'm sorry for—"

"It's fine. I don't want to talk about it. I know what needs to be done now. Thank you. Now if you don't mind, I have a lot of homework and I'd really like to get started on it."

"That's no way to speak to me Harry."

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I should still look up to you. Who the hell tells a boy that he has to die to save the people he loves. Professor Snape told you that I'm pretty messed up, so why did you go on and tell me? Do you just not care? Am I nothing more than a pawn in your game of chess? Is that all that Professor Snape is? Do you have any idea how much the things you can affect someone?"

Albus was speechless. He was astonished that Harry had fought back so forcefully. Severus smirked so Harry couldn't see it. He loved knowing that Albus was finally getting a little of what he deserved. Finally, Dumbledore found his voice. "Harry, I'm sorry. You are a major part of this upcoming war. You have to defeat Voldemort."

"And if I don't?"

"I know you will because you care about everyone else too much."

"Get. Out." Severus added his two cents.

"What Severus?"

"Leave. I told you to stay away from Potter," he said through clenched teeth. Albus stood and left.

Harry stared at the floor, "Why do I push everyone away?" he asked softly.

"You're in a state of constant defense. It will get easier when you learn how to relax again."

"I'm relaxed now."

"You haven't built any walls against me, well you had. But we destroyed those before… now."

Harry stayed quiet for a minute. "Before I blacked-out, I saw a dark shape through the water. I thought it was an angel, or a demon coming to take me away. I was hoping an angel. Was it you?" Snape nodded. "Good, then it was an angel."


	31. Chapter 31: Admitting

Chapter: 31: Admitting

The week continued quietly, but Wednesday came too soon for Harry. He woke early and decided to get up, walk to the window and watch the sunrise. As he stood, he tripped and fell into Snape who was sleeping in the chair beside him. Severus's hand went to his wand "Stupefy!" He yelled and hit Harry square in the chest. He fell to the floor. _Fuck, _Snape thought as he starred at the unconscious Potter atop his feet. He shook Harry gently, poured some water on a rag, and dabbed at Potter's forehead.

"Mmmm?"

"Harry?"

"Sev? You hit me with Stupefy….?"

"You fell on me." Harry smiled at him and stood.

"Look," he said gesturing out the window to a pink and orange streaked sky. Snape smiled, it'd been a while since he'd watched a peaceful sunrise. They watched as the sun made its way up into the sky and all the pink and orange faded to blue. Dark clouds started rolling in. "Storm," Harry said mildly, "fitting, isn't it?"

"What do you mean?" Severus asked, concerned.

"Well, I have to explain everything else to Ron and Hermione now. Don't I?" He asked the rhetoric question, but Severus answered anyway.

"You don't have to tell them, Harry."

"I want them to understand but I don't want to hide it from them anymore. It's too draining. It's hard enough to make it through classes and keep the teachers fooled," he paused. "McGonagall knows now. They all know, don't they?" Snape nodded.

"They know you tried to commit suicide. Other than that I can't guarantee anything, I haven't been to any meetings since…" He trailed off. Harry nodded. There was a knock at the door. He looked at Severus. "I'll be in Madame Pomfrey's office if you need me," he said getting up. Harry crossed the room and sighed before opening the door. Hermione threw herself at him, latching her arms around his neck.

"Oh, Harry. I was – we were so worried! I- They wouldn't let us in and we thought the worst. How are you?" She asked seriously.

Harry was already getting stressed just seeing them. _They're your "best friends" pull yourself together. _"I'm doing better now, thanks," he said stepping aside to let them in. Ron hugged him as he crossed the threshold. They walked over to Harry's bed, Ron offered Hermione the chair Snape vacated and conjured himself a chair.

"Why, Harry?" Hermione ventured to ask.

He sighed, "Dumbledore told me I have to die to defeat Voldemort… And I figured everything sucks anyway so I should just get it over with. I just sort of gave up." _Just sort of gave up? No, I found the fascination with my own blood swirling in the bath water and death was beckoning. It just sounded better to get the hell out of here— _He was distracted from his thinking when he realize Hermione was talking.

"…Harry? I mean didn't Snape say anything about you having a bad childhood—"

"He knew, Hermione. He didn't care and told me anyway," Harry said bitterly. This silenced her. She and Ron had the same epiphany that Dumbledore was the person they thought they knew. "Snape cared and Dumbledore didn't give a rat's arse about me," he pressed on.

"But Harry, why did you do it? You have people who care about you, you have me and 'Mione. I don't get it." This grated on Harry's nerves. _Of course Ron wouldn't get it. He's loved. He knows what it's like to have a bloody family and someone to live for… well I have Snape now…. _

Harry shook his head clear. "I can't explain it. No matter what I say you won't understand. I have to destroy the Dark Lord." Hermione took note of him using 'Dark Lord.' She noticed that he was becoming more and more like Snape every day and it was starting to worry her. He was withdrawn from most every conversation they had and he simply resorted to telling them they wouldn't get it. It irritated her more than anything. While Hermione contemplated this, Ron and Harry started talking about Quiddich to break the tension.

The morning faded to afternoon and afternoon to evening. They stayed huddled together, talking and working on homework. Hermione gave him her notes and he copied them while continuing the casual conversation. Snape entered the room. "Visiting hours are over," he stated flatly with a slight eyebrow raise. They bid Harry goodbye and departed. As soon as the door closed, Harry sagged into his bed and sighed. "Mr. Potter, if you were that stressed, I could have gotten them out sooner."

"How?... For next time," he added quickly.

"Perhaps a small patronus, hm?" Harry nodded. He knew Snape was right.

There was another knock at the door and Snape looked at Harry questioningly. "I've got it," Harry muttered and Snape went back into Madame Pomfrey's office. He opened the door to find Fred and George staring back, both concerned.

"Hey Harry," Fred said, attempting to sound upbeat but failing.

"Hey Fred, George. Come in." They closed the door behind them and took up positions in the chairs Ron and Hermione left.

"Harry, we're worried about you—"

"Yeah, you gave us a real scare. Ron and Ginny too." George cut him off. Harry looked concerned until Fred spoke again.

"Don't worry, she's not going to come running in. And mum and dad don't know. You look pretty decent."

"Yeah, almost as good as us!" George joked and Harry smiled. _Yeah, I do look good, with my glamours up. _He'd put them back up as soon as he had regained consciousness.

"We just really wanted to check on you, and we'll be going soon—"George began.

"But we wanted to give you this," Fred cut in. He pulled something from his pocket. It looked like a silver pocket watch. "If you're ever feeling really down, just pull this out and open it. Go on! Try it out." Harry opened the watch and printed on the watch face was "Severus Snape's abnormally large nose." Harry smirked and thanked them. As they left, Fred hung back. "Harry, if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm always here for you. I…" He pulled back his sleeve and revealed scars on his arm. Harry nodded and hugged him.

"Thank you, Fred."

"Anytime, mate!" He said cheerfully and followed George away. Harry stepped back into the Hospital Wing somewhat stunned.

"Potter! You look as though you've seen a ghost!"

"Fred used to cut," he said monotone.

"Yes."

"Did you know?"

"No, but I suspected. Sometimes the most cheerful are those who need the most help." Harry nodded and set the watch on his bedside table. Severus walked over to him and pulled him into a hug. "I think it's time I tell you a story."

**A/N: My spring break from university is coming up soon and I might not be able to post for a while (a week or 2). I'm far busier at home than I am at school (oh the irony). Anyway, I hope you're all enjoying my fic and continue to review and bear with me as I continue making semi slow process! Love you!**


	32. Chapter 32: Story

_Severus walked over to him and pulled him into a hug. "I think it's time I tell you a story."_

Chapter 32: Story

Harry looked up at Snape quizzically. Severus sighed as he sat in the chair beside Harry's bed. "When you were… Dying. I had a lot of time to think. Our lives parallel in more ways than one." Harry's confused look remained, if anything, grew more intense. Severus continued after taking a deep breath. "I was abused as well." A momentary look of shock crossed Harry's face but was quickly replaced by a look of understanding. "Not in the same way you were… My father used my own spell against me. I created it to defend myself from the unforgivable curses he cast at my mum and myself on occasion." Snape's tone was light but Harry could tell it was only because he'd emotionally separated himself form what he was saying. "It's a spell to make the caster's wand an elongated razor sharp sword. It extends far from the actual wand itself," Snape sighed. "I made it too well. It worked superbly." He inhaled shakily. "One night… my father used the spell against me, he taunted me with it, slashed deeply into my flesh. That was the first time I longed for death. Once he got bored with me, he turned to my mum. I was too exhausted to help her, but I can still hear her cries. And I still feel the blissful pull of death I had that night. I eventually blacked out and woke days later to my mother pouring a nutrition potion down my throat. She told me she loved me and to run. So I did. The next time I saw her she was dead in my father's vehicle. In the passenger seat. I opened the door and her corpse fell upon my feet." He turned from Harry with tears in his eyes and quickly stalked away toward the bathroom.

Harry stayed quiet and heard his potions master crying and retching even through the magically silenced walls. _I should be shocked, but I'm not, _he thought. _He seemed too passionate about saving me. He understood too well to never have been in the situation. _Severus returned, looking paler than before and with a slight stagger to his step. He spoke as he approached. "I did some of the same things you've done. Some you still do I presume. I cut. My first was made by my potions knife, or rather, the knife that would be my potions knife in later years. When my mum told me to run away, I did. She'd packed me a bag. Apparently she knew I would attend Hogwarts, she included her first potions knife, but I had used it long before seeing it in the bag.

"One day I was playing, quietly in the kitchen near the study, probably trying to mix a joke of a potion out of orange juice and flour. My father came storming into the room, holding my mother's knife. He dropped it when he picked me up and threw me down once more. He kicked me in the ribs, hard. One snapped. Then he walked back into the office and slammed the door. I was only five at the time. I picked up the knife and turned it over and over in my hands. I liked the look of the black sleek handle and the shiny steel blade. It was so smooth and gentle. But also fierce and dangerous. I bought it to my wrist and forced it violently beneath my skin. It hurt, but I didn't make a sound, I reasoned that if it hurt me, it would make my father happy. So I did it again and again, until I had bled so much I could barely walk. I staggered over to my father's office, the knife sticking out of my arm and knocked. He opened the door and stared in shock at his blood covered son with the knife in his arm. 'Father,' I had said, 'Look! Look what I did! It hurts so much. Did I make your day better?'" Severus shuddered. "He wrenched the knife from my arm so violently it ripped through muscle. I screamed and blacked out…. I used it after that… After I ran away, I started cutting. I figured maybe if I could go deep enough, I could leave this hell of a world…" Snape trailed off and started shaking. Harry reached a hand over to Sev's arm, he wrapped his fingers around the black fabric of his sleeve and pulled it toward him.

"You don't have to go any farther. I don't want to cause you more pain."

"Would you like to see them?" Snape choked.

"Only if you want me to." In response, Snape took off his robes, leaving him in a dark t-shirt and jeans. He released his hold on his glamours and held his arms out to Harry. Harry dropped his glamours as well and held his arms out beside Severus's. They looked so similar. Harry wrapped his arms around Snape, holding him more tightly than anyone had since Lilly. "Thank you" he whispered in Snape's ear.

"No, Harry, thank you," he whispered back.

**A/N I just got back to University! I hope you like the most recent update, sorry it's a bit short, but I still got it posted before the end of the weekend! (And I procrastinated a midterm, oops.) I've actually started working on writing a book, but don't worry it won't interfere with this! Anyway, I'll update again soon! Bye for now!**


	33. Chapter 33: Stronger

Chapter 33: Stronger

That night they slept locked in each other's arms, each protecting the other from the pain of the past and what the future would bring. Severus woke numerous times from nightmares in a state of panic, but realized he was just at Hogwarts and that he was still holding Harry to him. Eventually morning came and Severus gave up on sleep. He lay there beside Harry, not wanting to move or disturb his slumber. Snape didn't have long to wait, Harry woke a few minutes later, breathing heavily after an awful nightmare. "What is it, Harry?" He shook his head in response. "You can tell me."

"He's getting stronger and I'm…. getting weaker. I can't put this off much long Sev."

"Harry, you have to try, don't you remember Occlumency? Try that again."

"I keep up a constant wall now, all the time," Harry said as he sat up. "It doesn't do any good." Snape sat up too and moved to the chair so he could face Harry.

"What happened in the nightmare?" he asked, genuinely concerned.

"I was walking through a forest, there were ghost to both of my sides. I knew that something terrible was going to happen… But I wasn't sure what it was. His voice was in my head, beckoning me to the place I was walking. I heard my mum scream and I started sprinting. You were there, trying to save her, but he killed you too… He told me I was next, I'm going to die and he will live forever…Then I woke up," He said with a shaky voice. Severus didn't know what to say to Harry. If the Dark Lord was breaking through his strongest defenses, he was getting stronger.

"Get out your wand, we're doing some work," Severus said quietly. "Poppy left, she'll be gone about an hour." Harry did as told, he stood and faced his seated potions master. When Snape saw Harry was ready, he pulled out his own wand and a red jet of light shot from it. Harry defended himself with a spell of his own. This went on for twenty minutes before Severus said, "Potter! You must attack me! The Dark Lord isn't going to be defeated by shielding charms." Harry nodded grumpily.

Harry hit Snape with Confringo, causing his robes to explode around him. Snape grumbled and flicked his wand, his robes were restored. "Better, but not enough, Pott—" He was hit square in the chest by Aguamenti. Harry continued firing spells at Severus until he shouted (past some slugs) "ENOUGH POTTER!" Snape was curled in a small ball on the floor, writhing in pain. Harry had hit him with nearly everything he could think of, except for the unforgivable curses and Confundo, he didn't need a confused Snape on top of everything.

"What is going on in here?! I leave you in charge, Severus, and I return to you reduced to a small heap on the floor," Poppy said relatively calmly.

"Potter and I were dueling. He needed practice. ACK!" He cringed as he tried to uncurl himself and found one of his ribs broken. Madame Pomfrey flicked her wand and everything around Snape disappeared and he was healed. "Thanks."

"I shouldn't have, you don't deserve it, Severus."

"He needs work. He needs to be strong enough to fight the Dark Lord!"

"He's not permitted to go to class, what makes you think a duel is the way to go?"

"I um—" Snape was stumped for words.

"He thought I could start getting my strength back by dueling and apparently it's working, I feel much better," Harry cut in for Sev, though he felt much the opposite. Severus nodded his thanks and smirked at Madame Pomfrey. She sighed and shook her head as she disappeared into her office. Harry, who had remained standing this whole time, fainted the moment she was out of sight. Snape was paying more attention to Poppy and didn't realize Potter had fainted until he was crashing into Snape's legs.

"Shit, Potter!" He hissed.

"What was that Severus?" Madame Pomfrey said from her office.

"Nothing. Potter just fell asleep, so conveniently. We were going to go over potion ingredients," Severus growled as he hauled Harry to his bed, covered him, and removed his glasses. He smiled at the boy who actually looked his age when he was asleep. "What am I to do with you?" He quietly whispered to Harry as he lay in the bed. Severus turned and stalked about the room until Harry woke some hours later.

"Professor?" Harry mumbled groggily.

"Potter. Three feet essay on Draught of Living Death. Due tomorrow," Severus said and stalked away, revealing a pleather of students standing beside Potter's bed. Harry shook himself awake and realized why Snape was being such a dick. _There must be half the bloody school here. How the hell am I going to get rid of—_

"Only ten minutes left of visiting hours," Madame Pomfrey said from afar. He sighed in relief.

"Look he's awake!" Someone from the crowd shouted.

"Is it true you tried to kill yourself?!" "Why?!" The yelling from every direction made Harry's head throb with each new question that stood out form the white noise.

"Shut up!" He yelled at them. Harry was instantly met with silence and staring eyes. _They expect answers… So I'll give them answers._ "Alright, well, you can imagine that having people, who I don't even know, care so much about me and my decisions, it can get a bit overwhelming sometimes. Can you picture that?" Some nodding ensued. "Good. And the stress of knowing you have to be the one to vanquish Voldemort," the crowd emitted some gasps and squeals, "can really rip a person down. I just got tired of everyone demanding so much of me and talking about my life as though I don't actually exist as a real person. Have you any idea what that's like?" They stayed silent, and looked in different directions, some at each other. "Exactly. It's hard as hell."

"Alright, time's up! Leave Mr. Potter to his rest. Go on!" Madame Pomfrey said and they dispersed. Snape returned from the shadows.

"You really don't have to do the assignment, Harry," Severus told him.

"I already forgot about it," Harry said falling asleep again. Snape took his place in the chair beside Harry's bed and drifted off to sleep as well.


	34. Chapter 34: Daily Prophet

Chapter 34: Daily Prophet

Harry's remaining days in the hospital wing flew by rather quickly with visits from Ron and Hermione. And, of course, the sporadic duels with Snape. Finally Sunday came and Harry smiled as Snape flicked his wand and all Harry's things were transported back to his bed.

"Thanks."

"I expect to see you in Potions tomorrow," Severus said quietly.

"You will."

"Good, and should you need anything, you have the journal," he reminded him.

"Right," Harry said as Snape pulled him into a goodbye hug.

"Behave Potter!" Severus called as Harry sprinted through the door. He heard Harry's laugh as he turned back to the boy's bed. _He may be an idiot sometimes, but I love him. _He stared at the blood-stained sheets and wondered, _when did he even have time to cut while he was in here? _Severus shrugged at his own question and stalked out, down to his chambers, for the first time in weeks he was going to sleep in his own bed. As he laid down and closed his eyes he started thinking about Harry and how much he missed hearing his breathing as he slept. _Damn I miss him. It was only, what? 3 weeks? I need to stop getting more attached to him. I bloody well know his fate. He's damned to death to save the rest of the wizarding world. Which includes me… _

Harry ran to his room and collapsed on his bed, sighing. He decided to take a nap before going to dinner and actually seeing every one. When he woke, he glanced to his side and saw the Daily Prophet. The headline read "Suicidal Boy-Who-Lived?!" he scanned the first few lines and threw the paper across the room. _Damn them, they don't bloody get it. They have NO IDEA the hell I go through every day to save their sorry asses._

Severus gave up on sleep and paced about his library. He slumped into a leather chair and summoned a glass and a bottle of firewhiskey. As he was pouring his drink there was a knock at the door. "What?" he sapped and the door opened slowly. McGonagall stepped in, looking worried. Snape set down his glass and stood. "Minerva?" he asked cautiously. She shook her head as she handed him the Daily Prophet. Severus read the headline and a few lines:

_Suicidal Boy-Who-Lived_

_Harry Potter attempts suicide at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Sources say he tried to drown himself. We are unsure how he ended up in the hospital wing. But the more important question is why. Why would he do this? Why now? Does he not care about the future of the wizarding world?—_

Severus stopped reading and slammed the paper to the floor. McGonagall was staring at Snape intently, he returned the stare. "What should we do, Severus?" she asked nervously.

"I don't know—wait, why are you asking me?" he glared at her, eyes narrowed.

"There's no one else in this school, or the world for that matter, who really knows Potter anymore. Dumbledore doesn't, I don't, and none of the other professors have had the chance to speak with him. If you've neglected to notice, he was always pretty exclusive and now he's exclusive with you." She said pointedly.

"I think we should wait and see—" Severus glanced over to his journal and saw that he had a message. He crossed the room and opened the book.

_S-_

_Fuck the daily prophet. _Blood splatter. _Fuck everything._

_-H_

Severus grabbed a quill and hurriedly scribbled a message back.

_H-_

_Where are you?_

_-S_

The reply was slightly delayed and blood splattered. _Common room. Gryffindor._

Snape slammed the book shut. "Shit," he muttered.

"Severus? Was that a messaging journal?"

"Yes," he replied grabbing her arm.

"What's going on?" She demanded, trying to stop as he dragged her though the door.

"Potter saw the paper. Get me in your common room. Now," he snapped. She nodded and they quickly stride to the common room. When they arrived at the portrait, she announced the password and they were granted entry. They hurried across the threshold and found Harry huddled in a corner, blood dripping from his arms, clutching his journal and potions knife. "Harry." Snape said gently. He flicked his wand, casting a charm to prohibit the entering and exiting of the room and Minerva cast a silencing charm. Severus stepped closer to Harry. "Harry, relax," he whispered. As he approached, he noticed Potter was shaking and in addition to the journal and knife, he was holding the Daily Prophet. Snape took the paper from him and Harry looked up into the onyx eyes.

"Professor…. I-I'm so sorry," Harry cried as he looked at his arms in disgust.

"Shhh, it's okay," Severus said while wrapping his arms around Harry's frame. McGonagall was watching in silent awe from the shadows near the portrait. "Relax, Harry, relax. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here with you." Harry's breathing evened and the shaking stopped. Still, Severus held him until Harry let go and fell back on his heels.

"I-I-I didn't want to," Harry stammered.

"I know. It's late. Have you had dinner?" Severus asked, realizing that McGonagall was watching. _I hate it when she sees me like this. I hate it when anyone sees me like this, except Harry. _Harry shook his head and Severus glanced at the clock. _12:47. _"I'll get you something from my chambers. Get cleaned up, alright?" Harry nodded as Snape departed.

"Potter, come. Let's get you to a sink," McGonagall said softly but strictly. She helped him off the floor. Harry stopped and starred at her. "Come on, Potter, you're bleeding."

"I didn't realize you were here, Professor." Minerva took him gently by the shoulders and led him into the bathroom.

"Wash your arms," she instructed quietly. Harry turned the water on cold and stuck his burning arms under the frigid water, sighing in relief. McGonagall watched him carefully. She studied the way he watched the blood mix with the water, the small smile on his face when the blood splattered up across the silver faucet. When his arms were clean, she led him back to the common room where Snape was waiting.

"All clean, Potter?"

"Yes, sir," he replied, not making eye contact.

"May I see?" Severus prodded. Harry held us his arms in response. A deep gash still had a small sliver of blood tricking from it. Snape raised an eyebrow and handed Harry a roll of bandaging gauze. Harry took it and smirked. "Something funny?" Snape said slowly.

"This is the gauze I used in the muggle world, well the same kind… I used this the first time…." He trailed off and wrapped his arm.

"Eat," Severus commanded, gesturing to a table with a sandwich, bowl of soup, and cup of tea on it.

"Thank you." Severus nodded.

"I'll be heading off, Potter, if you need anything, call me," McGonagall said, striding out the door. Snape watched her leave as Harry downed his soup and sandwich. Severus studied him silently as he sipped his tea.

"Why?" Snape said, breaking the silence.

"Can we talk about this tomorrow, or if we're still doing those Tuesday meeting things that you said were going to happen?" Harry asked quietly, not looking Severus in the eyes. Snape nodded.

"I will see you in Potions tomorrow. First period. Do. Not. Be. Late." He said.

"Yes, sir," Harry said glumly, feeling like a complete jerk.

"Harry?" Harry looked up, questioningly. "Never be ashamed to ask for help" Snape said softly, stepping out of the portrait hole.


	35. Chapter 35: Dark Mark

Chapter 35: Dark Mark

Harry woke sleepily the next morning and headed to breakfast before potions. Hermione and Ron met up with him in the Dining Hall. "Hey, Harry," Ron said, as he climbed onto the bench beside Harry. Hermione smiled at him from across the table.

"Hey guys," he mumbled sleepily.

"Are you alright, Harry?" Hermione inquired.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little tired. I didn't sleep much last night." Hermione gave him a quizzical look as Ron piled sausages on his plate. "I read the Daily Prophet," Harry answered quickly." Hermione shot Ron a glare then looked at Harry with concern.

"Oh Harry I'm so sorry—" she began, but Ron cut her off.

"It's my fault, I should have moved the paper."

"No," Harry growled, dangerously low, "you guys don't have to protect me." Harry stood, grabbed an apple and biscuit, and turned to leave.

"Harry, please don't go. I'm sorry. We're just worried about you," Hermione pleaded.

"Yeah, mate," Ron lowered his voice, "You just tried to commit suicide."

"RONALD!" Hermione roared.

"What? It's true and it's why we're worried about him. Isn't it?!" He retorted.

"YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT ME! I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF! Can't you see I don't give a damn about other people and what they say?" Harry lied through his teeth. "You don't have to fucking protect me!" Harry spun around and smacked into Severus. "Sorry, professor," he grumbled and stalked off to potions.

Harry sat at his normal place and looked at the time. _7:32. Shit, I'm early and obviously Snape isn't here yet. _His attention drifted to his potions knife. _It felt so good last night_, he thought as he picked it up and turned it over in his fingers. _Just one more release. _He pressed the blade to the skin of his wrist and inhaled, reveling in the feeling of the cool steel against his hot skin. Just before he pushed the knife deep enough to break skin, the coolness of the steel disappeared from his hand and wrist. Harry opened his eyes and found himself face to face with Snape. "Shit," Harry breathed.

"Mr. Potter," Severus said slowly, "Why?"

"I—"

"You don't know," Snape guessed, sounding snarky as ever. His eyes betrayed him, they begged Potter to understand that he cared and was worried. He just didn't want his Slytherins to know.

"Right, I don't _fucking _know, Professor."

"Language. Detention, Potter. Tuesday," Severus said, smirking. Malfoy came up behind him snickering.

"Shut up Malfoy," he growled and Snape turned to Potter, raising an eyebrow. Harry shut his mouth and glared at his desk. Snape had set his Harry's knife at the top of Potter's desk with a not tucked beneath it. Harry reached for it, careful to grab both the note and the knife.

_Potter,_

_Should you need assistance before tomorrow, report to my office. But write first._

_SS_

Harry smiled at Severus while Malfoy and his friends taunted a Gryffindor. Snape inclined his head slightly.

The remainder of Monday and beginning of Tuesday flew by. Harry almost felt like himself, aside from the judgmental stares and whispers of suicide. Harry shrugged them off and headed to the dungeon for his "detention" with Snape. He knocked. "Enter." Snape said clearly. Harry pushed the door open and stepped in, closing it behind him. Severus put up a silencing charm. "How are you, Harry?"

"Fine, Professor—er, Sev. I'm just sick of all the lies, rumors, and whispering. They have no idea what kind of shit I go through for them…" Harry ranted for five minutes and Severus listened, silently. When Harry remained quiet, Snape spoke.

"I know it's hard to have people whisper about you, all the time. And everything else. You have more stress than anyone your age should have. But Harry, you're strong, you're determined, you're stronger than their words, lies, and jabs. You will defeat the Dark Lord, then they too will see the greatness I see in you." Harry felt the prick of tears in his eyes and fought to keep them from leaking down his face.

"What if I can't do it, what if I can't defeat the Dark Lord?"

"Harry, don't say that. You can and you will. I will be there with you, and I believe in you, Harry. Nothing will ever change that." Harry nodded and walked over to Snape, burying his face in his robes. Severus wrapped his arms around Harry and held him tightly. Harry let go and walked back to a chair. He got some of his homework from his bag and began working on it. Eventually, he pushed it aside, put his head down, and fell asleep.

The following weeks progressed much like this one. The number of whispers and stares dwindled to nearly nothing; but Malfoy made sure Harry didn't forget about them entirely. Harry ignored almost every but Severus and his friends. It was the last Tuesday before finals and Harry walked into Snape's office for their meeting. "How are you?" Severus asked, preparing tea for Harry and himself.

"I'm alright, Sev. I'm worried about my exams but that's normal, right?"

Severus nodded, "Right. Have you decent marks?"

"Yes."

"Good. I—" Severus grimaced and clutched his dark mark. Harry rushed to his side. "Harry, no, let go! He's angry!"

"You're taking me," Harry said, wrapping his arms around Severus.

They apparated.


	36. Chapter 36: Voldemort

Chapter 36: Voldemort

When the world stopped spinning from apparating, Harry found himself beside Severus, surrounded by Death Eaters. He looked around and flinched, everyone here wanted him dead. They were outside in a forest. The tree coverage was dense, making the night darker. The only light was provided by a singular clearing, with the full moon shining through.

"My humble servants," Voldemort hissed from behind Harry, he turned to face him. The moon illuminated his serpent-like face. His slits of nostrils flared and he glared at his followers. Nagini slithered up beside him as he slowly strode before the group. Harry shrunk behind Snape. "I called you here tonight to discuss the plans for the death of Harry Potter." Bellatrix uttered an enthusiastic shriek that rang through the forest. "Silence!" She stepped back, deeper into the crowd, her head bowed. "Now, I want you all to listen very carefully. The boy—" Harry stepped forward from the group, wand raised. Severus reflexively stepped slightly forward but corrected himself before Voldemort noticed.

"You don't have to plan anymore, Voldemort," Harry challenged. The Dark Lord glared at Harry and drew his wand. Harry raised his wand, they cast their spells at the same time. A jet of red light meeting green, a shower of sparks in the middle as the two spells collided. Harry fell to his knees as Voldemort sneered, the green pushed closer to the edge of Harry's wand. "No," Harry whispered. His wand fell from his grasp and rolled away. Blind pain over-took his entire being. Somewhere far in the distance, Harry heard Severus screaming.

Severus watched as Harry crumbled to the ground. He screamed as the life left the boy's eyes. Voldemort clutched his chest and hissed. Pain was spreading through him as he turned to Snape. "Severus? Why have you screamed?"

"Simply to commemorate your victory, My Lord," Severus said, his head inclined, not meeting Voldemort's eyes.

"Indeed, Severussss," he said. "Crucio!" Severus crumbled to the ground screaming. His vision faded to black. Somewhere in the distance he heard Voldemort calmly command, "Nagini, kill." He shook himself and wrapped his fingers around his wand. His eyes snapped open; Nagini was flying towards him, her mouth opened wide and fangs fully extended. "Confringo!" Nagini erupted into flames. Voldemort hissed again as pain erupted from his chest again. He cast a weak curse at Severus as he apparated. Severus deflected it, easily. The other Death Eaters apparated as well, leaving Severus alone with Harry. He crawled across the grass and cradled Harry's limp body to his chest.

"Harry no, please, no. Please Harry," Severus whispered ad he looked into Harry's dull eyes. He drew them shut gingerly with his fingertips. Snape hugged Harry closer as his body was wracked with sobs. He apparated them back to the grounds just before Hogwarts' boundary and held Harry even tighter as the sobs overtook him again.

_Harry opened his eyes and sat up. Looking around he saw nothing but white fog, as if he was in a cloud. "Harry," a gentle, familiar voice called his name._

"_Mum?" He asked the fog._

"_Yes Harry," She said, materializing before him. He stood and walked closer to her, in awe. She wrapped her arms around him and he fell into her, hugging her back. He couldn't hold back the tears as they trickled down his face. _

"_Mum! I – am I dead?" He asked quietly, looking up into her eyes. _

"_No," she answered distantly. _

"_Then what-?"_

"_I'm sorry Harry, I can't answer any of your questions. The only thing I can tell you is that you have to go back and kill Voldemort."_

"_I tried, he was too strong. I'm a failure." Harry knew his time here was limited if his mum was already telling him he had to go back._

"_Shh, no baby, you're not a failure, you're so strong. And Voldemort is weak now. Nagini is dead." She ran her fingers though his raven hair._

"_I don't want to go back, even if he is weak. I want to stay here, with you. I want to have parents."_

"_What about Severus?" Harry bit his lip. He hadn't forgotten about Sev. _

"_Is he okay?"_

"_You'll have to go back and see. Harry, there's no easy way to tell you this. If you don't go back, the war that many wizards are speculating about, will happen. So many you love will die. Fred will die, Severus will die, Tonks and Remus… All of them and so many others, gone. You can stop it before it begins."_

"_How?"_

"_Kill him." There was a dreadful sound to Harry's right and he looked down and saw a small bloody creature with flesh falling from its bones, crawling toward him. Harry shied away, closer to his mum. "It won't hurt you, it can't."_

"_What is it? Is it hurt?"_

"_It was a piece of Voldemort's soul. The piece that lived within you. There is nothing you can do to help it, it's dying."_

"_Mum, I love you."_

"_I love you too, Harry. You need to go, now," she kissed his head and began to fade._

"_No, mum! Don't go! Please," Harry cried, falling to his knees._

"_Thank Severus for me Harry. You are so loved." She disappeared and Harry felt a falling sensation. The white around him began to blur and fade. It slipped to a darker shade of white; gray began flooding in. Harry felt as though he was falling through a tunnel of white fading to black. He felt a sharp pain in his head, it spread though his body and blackness completely encompassed him._

Severus cradled Potter's body for hours. His tears splattered across Harry's school robes. The boy's body shivered and Harry inhaled. "Potter!?" Severus exclaimed. There was no reaction from the boy in his arms, just shaky breathing. Snape attempted to pick Harry up, but was too weak himself to move him. He sent a patronus to Minerva, hoping she would be able to help them. She arrived quickly and magically levitated them to the hospital wing.

Harry opened his eyes as he touched the bed. He looked to his side and saw Severus in the bed beside him. "Sev," his voice was scratchy and tired.

"Harry," Severus said, relieved and exhausted. "I thought I'd lost you."

"Mum says thanks," Harry mumbled and passed out again. Snape stared at him silently, in a trance. _He'd talked to Lilly? _

"Severus? What happened?" McGonagall asked, pulling him from his thoughts.

"He was dead… The Dark Lord hit him with…" Snape choked and had to take a moment to collect himself. The next time he spoke, his voice held no emotion. "Potter apparated with me to the Dark Lord. He thought if he could surprise him, he could win. Potter was wrong. Fortunately somehow the boy is alive and Nagini is dead. I have my suspicions about the Horcrux in Potter. It may have died as well."

"But—"

"I'll answer your insufferable questions in the morning," Severus snapped as Madame Pomfrey bustled over and handed him some vials. He downed them all and drifted to sleep.

"I'm worried about them, Poppy," Minerva said once Severus was asleep.

"Everyone is, dear," she whispered and began tending Harry.


	37. Chapter 37: Remember

Chapter 37: Remember

The next morning Severus woke and stood with the full intention to leave and go back to his chambers. "You're up early," Minerva said quietly from behind him. _Damn._

"Yes," he said slowly.

"What happened?"

Severus sighed. "Last night I was called to the Dark Lord. Potter insisted he accompany me in order to vanquish him. He, stupidly, thought that he would have a better chance if he took him by surprise. He was wrong and was hit by the killing curse. Obviously, he isn't dead," he said, glancing to Harry's bed and back to Minerva. "But the Dark Lord knows I am no longer a faithful servant as I reacted incorrectly when Potter crumbled to the ground," he shuddered. "I killed Nagini when he commanded her to kill me." Severus shook his head, he knew he was repeating himself form the night before, but hoped he was making slightly more sense.

"Oh Severus, are you alright? Is there anything I can do?" She said worriedly. Before he could answer, Harry woke in a panic. Severus ran to his side, Harry was shaking and Snape spoke quietly to him. He began to calm down and Severus pulled a chair over to sit beside his bed. "Potter, how are you feeling?" McGonagall asked, walking closer.

"I'm fine, professor. Nightmare," he said cautiously.

"I know what happened," she said, casting a look at Severus, "Vaguely." He shrugged at her as Harry stared blankly at the bed.

"What do you remember, Harry?" Snape asked quietly.

"I apparated with you and we were surrounded by Death Eaters. Voldemort was talking about his plans to kill me and I stepped forward and challenged him," Harry began quickly. Ready to get the conversation over-with. They both nodded to him, encouraging him to go on. "We both cast spells, and for a minute I thought I could do it. I felt the power radiating through me as I never have before. It was strong and unyielding…" Harry trailed off.

"…But?" Minerva asked quietly and Snape glared at her.

"But… I started doubting myself. I didn't really think I could kill him like that, and then I felt my power draining, my wand fell from my hand and I collapsed into the grass. Everything went black…" He trailed off again and took a breath as he tried to make sense of what happened next. He continued with a slightly confused look. "I woke up…" His brows furrowed "or at least I thought I did… And everything was white. Like smoky almost, but clean and white. I heard my mother's voice and then she was in front of me. We hugged and I thought she was going to be a ghost or something, but she was actually solid. She looked brilliant. I thought I was dead, but she said I wasn't … and that I didn't have much time…" Harry's voice caught. "I told her I didn't want to come back but she said I had to because I have to kill Voldemort." He stifled a sob, knowing he would probably never see her again and he squandered the time talking about how much of a failure he is. "She said if I don't kill him, the war will happen and people will die. A lot of people. Remus, Fred, and Tonks were some she named… And you, professor," he said, turning to Severus, "you will die too if I don't kill him." Harry curled up in a small ball in his bed crying. Snape put a hand on him, rubbing his back.

"Harry, shhh, I'm here now. I'm okay," Harry relaxed and hit the bed with his fists. It rattled against the wall.

"I hate being so fucking emotional," Harry grumbled under his breath so only Severus could hear.

"You have reason to be," he whispered to him. Harry nodded and took a deep breath.

"I have to find Voldemort. Where is he?"

"I don't know. In case you are unaware, I am no longer thought of as his faithful servant."

Harry looked down. "I'm sorry, it's my fault isn't it."

"It's not important, did Lilly say anything else?" Severus asked quickly, before he lost the courage to ask. He wanted to hear Harry tell him that she thanked him, consciously.

"She told me I'm loved and to thank you." Snape exhaled and his eyes burned with the threat of tears. He nodded. "I should go and get my homework done…."

"Potter! You just nearly died!" Minerva blurted.

"Yes and I have homework. I need something to do to calm down. The way you can bloody help is figuring out where the hell Voldemort is." Harry briefly considered the idea that his last statement might not have been his best decision; but quickly dismissed it.

Snape nodded, "Let him distract himself, Minerva. I'll work on figuring out where the Dark Lord is, you tell Dumbledore what happened to his Ex-Golden-Boy." She nodded sharply and strode away. Severus faced Harry again, staring into the emerald eyes, cautiously, carefully. He took in their colour, their radiance, the hardness no child should ever posses. For a moment, Snape saw a version of himself trapped in those eyes.

Harry stared into Sev's onyx eyes. He saw himself reflected in the eyes that rarely held emotion before this year. _Well, perhaps they did hold emotion, emotion I never saw,_ Harry thought as he got lost in the black abysses. He wished he could dive into the black pools and lose himself forever.

Severus broke the silence, "You'd better begin your three foot Potions essay due next week."

"It's done. All my work is done except for yesterday's. And whatever the hell I'm missing today." Snape suppressed a smile. _Potter cares about Potions._

"Indeed, well then, get out of here and go to your classes," Severus said, smirking. Harry smiled in return and stood. Snape stood as well and turned to leave.

"Professor?" Sev turned back around.

"Yes, Mr. Potter?"

"I wanted to thank you. You've done so much for me. There's no way I can possibly repay you. My mum is grateful too." Severus smiled a sad smile.

"You don't have to repay me, Harry," He smiled again and left Harry alone in the Hospital wing.

Once Severus was gone, Harry walked to his dormitory and collapsed on the bed, exhausted. _Voldemort has to die and I have to be the one to kill him. Simple as that. Only it's not fucking simple to kill the most powerful dark wizard in the world. Fortunately he thinks I'm dead. He won't expect it. But that didn't go too bloody well for me last time… _His thoughts trailed off as he fell asleep.


	38. Chapter 38: Malfoy Manor

Chapter 38: Malfoy Manor

Minerva strode into Dumbledore's office, without knocking. "Ah, Minerva, what a pleasure to see you. Lemon drop?"

"No thank you, Albus," she said stiffly.

"What's troubling you, child?" He asked softly.

"Two Horcruxes were destroyed last night, and Voldemort remains alive," she chocked back a sob.

"Two?! Harry's dead?!"

"Severus killed Nagini," McGonagall said, avoiding the question. She wanted to see how Dumbledore would react when he learned of Potter's 'death'.

"Harry's dead. Now the wizarding world is damned to fall to Voldemort. I suppose I could—"

"ALBUS! A student, your favourite, might I add, just faced Voldemort! And you're thinking about saving the world?!" _Perhaps Severus was right in calling him an old fool. _

"There's nothing we can do for Harry now. There is a war to be won!" He said with a mix of fire and fear in his eyes.

"He's alive."

"What?" Albus' eyes faded to dull pools of blue, even the usual twinkle absent.

"Harry is alive. Voldemort destroyed his own Horcrux," she said with tears in her eyes.

"This is good news, who are you crying, Minerva?"

"Because you didn't care at all about Potter! Do you care about anyone?" She spit and left his office.

She ran past Severus on her way back to her Chambers. When he looked at her questioningly, she shook her head and hurried past.

_She more than likely just realized how corrupt the old fool is. _Severus thought with a sad smirk. He was gliding through the halls, trying to find Draco_. He was absent from the last meeting and may still think I'm a trusted servant_. He had been searching for hours when he turned the corner and ran into Draco. "Mr. Malfoy."

"Professor Snape," Draco said smoothly.

"You missed the meeting last night," Severus said without emotion.

"Yeah, I had this stupid essay to write," he replied with a hint of sarcasm.

"Care to come with me to my office to discuss what you missed?" Snape hissed.

"I'd love to." They made their way in silence. When they reached Severus's office, he put up a silencing spell as he closed the door. "So, what happened?"

"There was a discussion of how we're going to trap Potter. How he's going to fall to the Dark Lord and—" Draco hit Snape with a spell, throwing him backwards.

"Traitor!" He yelled, running at his potions master. _Shit! _Snape thought as he grabbed his own wand. Malfoy cast another spell at him which he easily deflected. He cast a spell of his own and bound the boy to the wall. Snape took Draco's wand from him and smirked. "My father will hear about this!"

"I don't really care what your father has to say, Draco. Where's the Dark Lord?"

"Like I'd ever tell you!"

_Legilimens _Severus non-verbally used the spell and found himself in Draco's mind. The boy was still yelling at Snape, unaware the man was in his head. Severus smirked to himself and sorted through the thoughts until he found what he was looking for. _So Voldemort is at Malfoy Manor. Good. _He left Draco's mind and smiled at him, a real smile. "You're such a stupid little prick of a Godson. You know that? Obliviate." Draco slumped and Severus released him from the wall. He fell to the floor with a sickening thud and Snape levitated him to the approximate place they ran into each other. Severus was gone by the time Malfoy came-to. He was running to the Gryffindor dormitories but once he was half-way there he realized he didn't have the password. He groaned in frustration and sent a patronus to Harry.

Harry was woken by a bright blue-ish white light. He grabbed his glasses and put them on. When he could see, he realized he was looking at a patronus.

"_I know where he is. Come to my office"_

It was Snape's voice, Harry could recognize it anywhere. He threw off his covers, grabbed his school bag and ran to Snape's office. "I'm here," he said breathlessly. Severus suppressed a laugh.

"You forgot something," he said quietly. Harry looked down and realized he was only wearing a pair of threadbare, plaid boxers and his school bag.

"Shit," Harry whispered, attempting to shield himself with his bag.

"Some of your clothes are still here," Snape said with a slight smirk. Harry ran to his bedroom in Snape's chambers and found a black T-shirt and some jeans. "Better," Severus said when Harry returned.

"Yeah," he replied, his cheeks burning.

"Now, the Dark Lord is at Malfoy Manor. If you think you're ready, we can apparate there now. If you'd rather wait, you can, but we could lose him."

"How did you find out so quickly?" Harry implored, buying himself time to mentally prepare for the inevitable battle.

"Draco has never had an Occlumency lesson in his short life."

"Oh," Harry said quietly.

"Are you ready, Harry?" Severus asked seriously.

"Don't I have to be?" Harry asked in a whisper.

Severus nodded and stood. "We must go beyond the shields of Hogwarts to apparate."

"But the last time we did it from here…?" Harry said questioningly.

"We had the fuel of dark magic then, come." Snape led him to the ends of Hogwarts grounds and took a deep breath. "Are you sure you're ready?" Harry nodded. "Good, as soon as we appear on the property, get your wand out and prepare to kill him." Again Harry nodded and took Snape's offered arm. He held his breath until the spinning stopped and he felt something solid beneath him. It was Severus.

"Oops, sorry." Severus nodded to him and pressed a finger to his lips, signaling for Potter to be silent. Harry took his wand from his pocket and approached the manor.


End file.
